美国文艺青年评诗

颤音
楼主 (文学城)

美国文艺青年评诗

from allpoetry.com

当然一般是礼貌性的, 不过还是有些有意思的, 评的都是我写的, 贴的。 

Oh my Shangri-La


On that smothering summer day in Alabama,
I breathed as I were in Shangri-La. 
You left me behind for a weeklong tour, 
to that lost mountain paradise.
I greeted your return as I endure, 
all my fervor in disguise.
But my eyes speak love!
But my eyes plead love!
Oh my Shangri-La, 
still dwells in Alabama. 

On that smothering summer day in Alabama,
I breathed as I were in Shangri-La. 
I was blinded by your skin,
fair and milky.
I was numbed by your chin, 
velvety and silky.
But my heart sees love!
But my heart feels love!
Oh my Shangri-La, 
still dwells in Alabama.

-Wonderful poem. Perhaps one of the best I ever read here. So much emotion 
and depth, and it reads so well. Thank you for sharing.

受宠若惊, 不过真丢人, 俺不懂诗里的depth是啥。 

When time bypasses


Rain falls, day by day.
River flows, night by night.
Meteors born and burn in Milky Way. 
Dawn meets dusk in dwindling twilight.  
My hairs fade, grey and gray.
But Time carries on, light and bright.
But time kindly bypassed that day- 
I fell for you at first sight.

- Your style is engaging. Repetition of words gave emphasis and imagery. 
This poem is short but it is meaningful.

真的 engage 了?  


Cross

I see sins,
I see virtues,
they are closer than they seem.
I carry virtues,
I carry sins,
are they meant to redeem?

Clever work and detailed at best. Strong line length. Keep writing!

又没懂, 这么短, 有 detail? line length? 

Me


The world is a bowl of chilled soup.
I am a stainless fork.
Life is a car climbing the steep hill. 
Am I a roaring force of torque?
Love is a standing bottle of vintage wine.  
I am a oak cork. 
Death is blind to the humble and royal.  
Am I a white rose of York?

- It has a settled artistry approach, lots of fantastic word play!

Nicely penned

又没懂,啥是settled artistry approach? 感觉挺高大上的。

苗盼盼
香格里拉海拔高,所以有深度,这就是depth...

短的那首,短得就像一个细节,所以有detail。。。

以上都是我胡扯。settled artistry approach是说你技巧娴熟。这一点我是同意的。。

舞女
!!!

mark!!!!有深度mark!!mark!! mark!!!!短的那首mark!!mark!! mark!!!!技巧娴熟mark!!mark!!

mark!!!!胡扯mark!!mark!!

苗盼盼
还有:重复即加强,虽短而深长。

!!!!

红嘴玉
哈哈哈…有才!老美文青也很慷慨,不吝赞美之词

不会是你自己写的跟评吧

 

b
borisg
9 shallow 1 deep...
o
outofsaturn
他说你的诗有深意。
舞女
重复给重点,短的意非浅。

!!!

颤音
mark 到底是啥意思? borisg 的太直白, 得含蓄点, 给想象的空间
o
outofsaturn
哪个是香格里拉?
红嘴玉
怎么什么话被你一Mark 感觉就那么邪性呢

颤音
俺都不懂那些高大上的词, 老美不喜欢的, 就不评, 飘过
舞女
还有楼上苗哥的~~~重复即加强,虽短而深长
颤音
哦, 没觉得, 就是谈恋爱吗
T
Timshel
哈哈哈,“settled artistry approach” :))))
颤音
Shangri-La
颤音
看来你懂, 啥意思?
红嘴玉
可能是的,老美写的情歌大多很直白但是很温情:)
T
Timshel


 subtle artistic  approach

颤音
白字先生啊? 美国的文青让人着急啊
苗盼盼
词语解释:mark (文学城网络专属用语)

mark:1.) 名词。常用于感叹语,用于标记任何可引起情色暧昧歧义联想的纯洁词语或无辜表述。mark凸显的是词语的第二度,也就是歧义,不适用于本意就是情色的词语或表述,也不适用于不可产生情色歧义的词语或表述。歧义可以是有意设计,也可以是无心产生。原表述的作者在被mark之前,未必意识到歧义,被mark后也未必能醒悟歧义。

错误用例1. -"你来多伦多,我请你吃饭!”-“mark!你说话可得算数啊!”

错误用例2.-"LT贴片片的那个姑娘屁股真大!”-“mark!mark!”

正确用例:-“日复一日,精益求精。”-“mark!mark!”

2.)直接及物动词。直接宾语可以是1)中提到的歧义词语的具体表述。例:“这句话太值得mark了。”,也可以是表述者。例:“你小心舞妹mark你。”

3.) 不及物动词。例:“小舞怎么还不来mark?”

 

 

颤音
谢谢喵哥, 好好学习天天向上
舞女
!!! 天天向上 !!!
苗盼盼
颤音哥,!!!=mark。
舞女
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
苗盼盼
解释就要解释到底,不然人刚弄明白mark,一看这!!!又是啥啊。。
颤音
天天向上 也有歧义? i 服了 you
苗盼盼
“上”可以是动词。然后就有歧义了。
红嘴玉
网友们真是一日千里啊望尘莫及:))
孩儿他娘
你的诗写的很美!
颤音
等着被 mark
颤音
谢谢! 没科班学过写诗, 所以读评论都有困难 :-)
孩儿他娘
哈哈,加油!:)
颤音
谢谢! 继续努力, 也是自娱自乐
舞女
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈