It may not be enough, but it is the best you can do.
Your feeling of guilt may stem from your unwillingness to tell yourself that you have fulfilled your responsibility as a daughter. This may also be a result of that your mother has been guilt-tripping you since you were young because that is something a controlling person would do. You have been conditioned to feel guilty and inadequate no matter how much you had done.
So, to feel better, if that's what you want, tell yourself you have done more than enough. Your responsibilities to yourself and your family come first.
Thank you. Not trying to defend my parents, I do understand wher
they come from. As I put myself in their shoes, it's a sort of dependable personality and I have that trait too.
I'm happy to take care of them and have them with me. However, I tried, we didn't get along and my stress level went up to ceiling high. There is nothing I can do but pray to God.
They wanted to run your life rather than assisting you,
and you wanted to run your own life as you should. You need to live your own life, not to live as an extension of someone else's life. Should not feel quilty about that.
The way we were brought up, it is very hard to say to ourselves that "I am fully responsible for myself" without feeling somewhat shaky about such claim, i.e., am I allowed to make such claim?
The ideal picture you painted for yourself and them is a hark back to the days when you did not have to be concerned with all these. The pain you feel replaces the need for such claim. The pain itself may not be a bad thing if it is easier on your mind.
老妈最近老在微信上发一些关于人死后投胎的佛教文章。弟弟去世10年,我又远在美国,老父老母孤单在上海虽然弟弟留下一个女儿。昨晚给老妈电话,因为觉得老妈情绪不好,老是谈死后投胎。电话里可以感觉到老妈的deep pain -- 儿女不在跟前尽孝。
不管我怎么努力安慰老妈,老妈说她并不抑郁,但确实有担忧,比如现在中美关系不好,老妈很亲美,女儿和外孙们又都在美国,她担心中美会打仗。她还说,年纪大了,才74岁,走路不便,又有其他病痛,有时候力不从心,觉得生活没质量,死亡并不可怕。
我很难过,是说不出的sad, 不是没有让他们移民,很早就让他们来美居住,老爸老母strong personality, 我也是很strong, 我们一家都很strong,虽然很想孝敬他们,不让他们晚年孤单,但真在一起,也试过,我的stress level got very high. 人和人之间,即使亲人相处,也需要和谐。可能我不是孝女,做得远远不够。
你得降到对方的level, 说“降”字儿不是说对方level低,但是要求一个二十岁的人过五十岁的生活, 一个五十岁的人过八十岁的的生活,其实是很不人道的。
当然最好的办法就是不在一个屋檐下但是离得很近, 可以经常拜访。
只能自己看开,有空给他们多打电话,多视频,珍惜每一刻。
多安慰、多顺着她,让她精神上感到安慰。同时,不要给自己太多压力。
到今天晚上美国时间,老爸在养老院就满一个月了。
以前在弟弟家,大家去看他,有点不舒服,因为弟妹当每个人是空气。
现在老爸在养老院,家里几乎每天有人去看他,还带点额外的他喜欢的食物(养老院供吃供住供洗衣,一周一次医生上门,开方取药啥的)
看老爸视频,言语表达清楚,逻辑思维强,精神状态特别好,好佩服!
今天看的视频,是三姐夫去看他录的。
感恩上海的亲们!
比较人道。
那种一个老人的生活要另一个年轻点儿的人殉葬式的陪伴伺候,我觉得是非常不人道的。
她还做了楼长,就是公寓有任何事情,她负责通知这一层楼的住户。平时看病的医生 通过一段时间的调整 有的是有会中文的服务的,有的是从她的公寓可以坐公交车到达的。 所以她自己就可以去。 有些事情 需要翻译的, 我会带着她跑一跑。 都设立好了,还是挺方便的。
这心态就决定了自己的开心程度。
自己要去
自己不想去, 被人逼着去
去不去都没啥
上面的三种态度, 预后, 应该是不一样的。
性格决定命运, 太理解了
和钱多钱少, 自付还是政府付, 无关
她觉得长期长期和我们同住,大家都不方便。
各方面条件都不错。
我父母放弃移民,我让父母夏天和我们住3个月,我觉得还是处在一个屋檐下矛盾太多,因为strong personality, 我的忍耐力不够,不管我如何想孝顺。既然自己做不到,peace重要,但内心一直太挣扎,也同时永远没有一个solution. I take one day at one time.
他们自付好少, 享受好多。
我有考虑过, 还去填表问过, 为我老公爸妈。
后来, 回应让我们好失望, 因为他们要全付, 没有任何政府补贴 (他们的收入高于政府的最底线)。
后来, 我们让他们去了 senior home, 宾馆建筑。但是, 里面老头老太, 都有自己的小圈子, 食物又不合老公的父母口味。
他们后面几个月, 食物费在月费里, 也坚决不吃, 自己外面买了后, 在房间里做。房间里是公寓的装备。
然后,他们 就要求去年龄混合的一般公寓, 又是我跑腿, 帮他们搞定的。
公寓对面是商场。
老公至少每周一次, 帮老妈推车, 老妈找食物, 老妈付钱。老公搬车里, 搬公寓里。(老公出差, 我顶上)
老妈在后面, 监督。哈哈!
感觉, 这也会是我老年的情景。但愿儿子能做到这点, 就够了
有时间多网上聊聊天,每年抽空回国看看他们,经济上多支持。国内人思想观念也在变化,也觉得养老不能靠子女要靠自己。
还想让人开后门, 让老爸去更好点的, 风景好点的养老院。
但是, 我这马屁拍不上了。
因为现在这个, 离开我弟弟家好近, 走路10分钟不到。
按我弟弟的低情商, 一远, 他估计都不会去了。
而我老爸就是喜欢看到我弟和弟弟的儿子。
木法!
不要太给自己压力了。很多时候家人相处是远香近臭,需要保持一定的距离。不在一起的时候子女在身边尽孝是主要矛盾。住在一起是彼时的次要矛盾又会变成主要矛盾。还是要鼓励父母有自己的生活,子女做一些辅助工作。毕竟每个人的人生主要还得靠自己。
父母年轻时,骄傲的和他人显摆:
我儿女有出息,在美国, 瑞士。。。引来朋友羡慕眼光一片
老了, 孩子有自己的事业, 唯一能做的, 就是常给钱。
但是, 人老了, 要钱有啥用,要的是有孩子的陪伴。。。
伴一次, 少一次。
真的是 世事故难全!
纯发散思维, 和楼主没啥大的关系。
(我在会议中, 打发无聊)
要不粘人, 会享受自己的孤独。
孩子所做的点滴, 要发扬光大的表扬
毕竟我们各有一个小孩
假如小姑娘懂事, 会照顾人。
你私下给她沟通一下, 有大大的奖励的。
以一次次的,还是今后遗产的, 反正是实实在在的好处, 看看会不会有用?
还有, 你弟妹, 能不能帮上?
我知道, 四姐夫的舅舅家, 舅舅家的小孩去老人院看一次, 每次, 父母会给打车钱, 再加100-200/次, 也算是奖励制度
我怕父母controlling.
也有一些坏习惯。我自己照顾父母很多年,那份辛苦我体会得格外深,基本是牺牲自己的生命来延长他们的生命,但是他们的生命又根本没有生活质量,所以我更认同西方人的养老观,老人应该尽量自力或者去养老院。
揪心的是最近老妈总是谈死亡。吓到了。她才74. 我想她心里有些抑郁和绝望。人的抑郁不是旁人劝就能够减轻的。我妈不喜欢socialize, 不喜欢和别人谈家事。 我老爸比我妈小半岁,天天去公权,喜欢社交,但内心深处也sentimental,只是男人不轻易表露,我爸controlling但能忍,不暴躁。
儿子们嫌弃,LOL
去物色一个, 你和她谈个价钱, 就是别让你父母知道。。。
用钱买服务, 看看能不能有帮助?
Mom. He died of cancer 5 years ago very suddenly. The rest are not reliable.
“基本是牺牲自己的生命来延长他们的生命,但是他们的生命又根本没有生活质量”
所以我说那种年轻人殉葬式的照顾非常不人道
一年多回去几次
It may not be enough, but it is the best you can do.
Your feeling of guilt may stem from your unwillingness to tell yourself that you have fulfilled your responsibility as a daughter. This may also be a result of that your mother has been guilt-tripping you since you were young because that is something a controlling person would do. You have been conditioned to feel guilty and inadequate no matter how much you had done.
So, to feel better, if that's what you want, tell yourself you have done more than enough. Your responsibilities to yourself and your family come first.
they come from. As I put myself in their shoes, it's a sort of dependable personality and I have that trait too.
I'm happy to take care of them and have them with me. However, I tried, we didn't get along and my stress level went up to ceiling high. There is nothing I can do but pray to God.
and you wanted to run your own life as you should. You need to live your own life, not to live as an extension of someone else's life. Should not feel quilty about that.
The way we were brought up, it is very hard to say to ourselves that "I am fully responsible for myself" without feeling somewhat shaky about such claim, i.e., am I allowed to make such claim?
The ideal picture you painted for yourself and them is a hark back to the days when you did not have to be concerned with all these. The pain you feel replaces the need for such claim. The pain itself may not be a bad thing if it is easier on your mind.