Thanksgiving is an American holiday to thank God for his blessings after the autumn harvest. On this day, I would like to thank my mother and father, my paternal grandfather, and my maternal grandmother for their nurturing during my childhood. This essay will address the question raised by many of my blog readers, “Mr. RunTao Yan, how do you educate your children?” Here is Part 1 of my Child Education Series, Help Your Child to Build Confidence.
First, allow me to say something not directly related to today’s topic. Many readers like my blogs. I have sold more than 900 copies of a book, which merely reprints my blogs that anyone can read for free. I am a scientist, not a professional writer. I do not even know what they teach in a typical Creative Writing program or any writing program in college. I guess readers like my blogs purely because of my unique, refreshing, and independent perspectives. Only writings that offer vision, knowledge, fun, and sound logic can last for generations. Of these critical qualities, a unique concept is by far the essential element. This means exploring what others dare not explore and thinking what others dare not think. Technical products follow much the same logic, just like Steve Jobs, because of his unique vision in creativity. Copycat products that lack creativity never earn people’s respect.
No matter in which field a person excels, he/she must possess the ability to think independently. This ability depends on his/her strong sense of self- confidence or being fearless in front of authority or a tyrant. Otherwise, even a super-intelligent person will crawl behind authority or kneel before the tyrant.
Self-confidence is nurtured in early childhood.
If you are a parent and viciously yelled, cursed, or beaten your child when he/she only had passive memory (before three years of age) or had active memory (between 3 and 7 years of age), you would have mentally damaged your child and diminished his/her self-respect. Today, as a result of your actions, you should face the consequences and have a timeout for three hours in front of your child. If he/she asks you what you are doing, you should tell him/her that you are repenting because you nurtured him/her with servility, which has dominated the Chinese culture for thousands of years and is in complete conflict with modern civilization. It would be best if you stop doing what you have been doing to minimize the damage that has already been done to your child.
Do not underestimate the damage to your child through these passive memories of your menacing stares and yells. This passive memory may have sowed the seeds of fear. If repeated through the child’s years of active memory, such stares and yells may reinforce this fear and form the conception that he/ she has to bend before a strongman and never challenge authority. Consequently, your child may grow up with the belief and behavior pattern that he/she should likewise bully the weak, kiss up to power, and never stand out in a crowd. In other words, he/she may have been nurtured into a self-disciplined slave.
I do not have any recollection of mistreatment in my passive memory. However, after I developed active memory, I did receive such abuse from my uncle on my mother’s side, the Big Uncle. During my childhood, I never stayed overnight, nor had any meals in any relatives’ homes, except the home of Big Uncle and Second Auntie. Big Uncle’s son, Cousin Naughty, and Second Aunt’s daughter, frequently came to our house and stayed the night. These two families had been quite close to ours.
One day my mother and I visited her mother, who lived with her son, Big Uncle. While visiting, Big Uncle menacingly stared at me for no reason. I got nervous and felt something was wrong. I dragged my mother out of their house and asked my mother to go home. Big Uncle’s wife was confused and did not allow us to leave. She said, “We’ve all agreed that you should stay here overnight. Why do you want to leave so soon?” I kept asking my mother to leave, but she did not know what had happened. In the end, Big Uncle told the truth that it was he who stared at me to scare me, just for fun.
After arriving home, my mother told my father and grandfather why we came back early. My grandfather then told me not to be afraid of Big Uncle. “If he stares at you, you should stare back at him!” Since then, and for a long time after, Big Uncle’s menacing stares often appeared in my nightmares.
One day in the year of my high school graduation, which was after my grandfather’s passing, Big Uncle hit my younger brother in front of my mother and father. Again, it was for no reason. During the time, we were building a new home for our family, for which we had many relatives come to help. Big Uncle defended his actions by saying my brother was loafing on the job, which was completely untrue. It was a nonsense claim, like a wolf blaming a sheep for muddying the water in the river.
My brother is as diligent a person as anyone could imagine. He started collecting horse dung (translator note: people use it as natural fertilizer in the farmland)one early winter morning when he was a little kid, which resulted in terrible frostbite on the back of his hands. We could not understand why Big Uncle acted so viciously? We did all know why. It was because he could not live with the fact that a family could survive in this world without cursing and beating up children. While he was hitting my brother, he said he was beating up a child on behalf of the child’s parents. In fact, my brother was 15 at the time and taking care of all the house chores with extreme diligence. How could such a mature young man still be regarded as a child? Recognizing that my mother and father did not say a word, Big Uncle left with disappointment and anger. He expected my mother or father would save his face by saying that my brother “deserves the beating.”
Big Uncle had the guts to hit my brother (his nephew) because he was the closest kin to my family. He had the closest sibling relationship with his third older sister (my mother) since a very young age. My mother was almost his surrogate mother, and she loved him the most among all the siblings. He always came to help whenever our family needed labor. He also loved my mother the most among all of his kin. He felt he had the responsibility to help my mother nurture her children. As to how the nurturing would be carried out, he simply followed the thousand-year-old Chinese tradition of “beating up your child on a rainy day, while having nothing else to do.” However, in my family, children can make fun of their parents and treat them as equals. Big Uncle could not tolerate that. In his mind, if parents did not have the supreme authority over their children, the family would not be a family! After that incident, he stopped coming to our house for a long time. The beating incident made my mother and father unhappy.
Had my grandfather been alive, he would probably have told my brother, “If Big Uncle hits you, you should hit him back! He and you are equal human beings in this world!” That was also why Big Uncle never dared to hit us when my grandfather was alive. He knew my grandfather had a temper on such issues. In fact, my brother understood Big Uncle’s twisted logic clearly. In remembering Big Uncle’s kindness to our family in other aspects, my brother continued to pay New Year’s visits to him and continued to act with care and sincerity. Over time, Big Uncle stopped feeling the awkwardness when interacting with my brother.
Of our six siblings, no one had rebellious thoughts or behavior while growing up. This is because we never had the experience of being stared at viciously, cursed at, or beaten up. If we did anything wrong, our mother, father, and grandfather just pretended they did not see and let us correct it by ourselves. I remember when I was a younger boy, I made a mistake while practicing calligraphy. I told my father, “Oops, I did this wrong.” My father said to me, He had made more mistakes when he was that age. My grandfather, who was on the side, corrected him. “It’s not that you made more mistakes than this boy when you were young. It is that you are making more mistakes now than this boy, and you are making more mistakes now than when you were young!” My father laughed at the comment. I did not understand and said to my grandfather that it could not be possible. Then my father told me seriously, “Children make fewer mistakes than grownups, and that is true. This is also why a parent has no right to beat up his/her child, anywhere in this world.”
I asked, “What if a child steals?”
My father said, “A child can only steal a melon or a date. A grownup can steal a nation, grabbing the entire country and all its resources. Therefore, beating up a child is a senseless, illogical, and horrendous act. This act is derived from the traditional Chinese doctrine of ‘father trumps son,’ which supports the grander doctrine of ’emperor trumps minister,’ all to establish and strengthen the hierarchical order of the traditional Chinese society. To prevent grownups from challenging the ruler’s power and authority, the society must sow the seeds of fear of the power in their heart as a child. Only through this growing-up nurturing would a grownup act like a slave voluntarily and subconsciously. In China, there have not been any deep thinkers for over two thousand years. This has been so ever since Emperor Qin Shihuang established the first Imperial Dynasty and the Imperial System. All deep thinkers appeared during the period of ‘A Hundred School of Thought,’ before Emperor Qin Shihuang.”
When I became a father and had two young children, I never had the so-called “power and authority” in front of them. When I told this fact to my Chinese friends, they all thought it was incredible and wanted to help me figure out why. They could not comprehend that it was my wish to relinquish such parental power and authority.
It is true to say that an independent-minded person, a person written in capital letters (a real human being who is unafraid of power or authority), would have a hard time surviving in the Mao era without experiencing various kinds of mistreatments and tragedies. Nowadays, our children growing up in the free world should not have such worries. Suppose you want your child to live with dignity, to become a person with creativity, a person written in capital letters. In that case, a person respected by others, a person with an independent mind and not a pathetic soul who bows to the powerful, bullies the weak, and is afraid of authority, you should help your child before reaching his/her third birthday, to establish his/her self-confidence, show the personality that is unafraid of a strongman or authority, and with such courage deeply rooted in his/her heart. You should especially let your child know that his/her dignity is as precious as yours.
I have many childhood experiences and recollections of my grandfather, father, and mother, teaching me the principle of “respecting others and earning back the respect from them,” and the belief “what a child should be afraid of is not a strongman or a parent, but not knowing the truth ( Being fearful of a strongman and not knowing the truth, are entirely different concepts).
The daughters regard their father as an older brother and their mother as an older sister. They treat their parents as equals and tell them everything because there is no need to lie. They make full decisions for their affairs and continue to do so now. What I am proud of is their character. They are unpretentious, diligent, hardworking, respectful, self-confident, and self- motivated. As to what jobs they do and how much they earn, I do not care a bit.
Many parents feel that a child who is brought up with lots of effort and resources is their private property, and therefore, must obey parents as long as they are living with them.
But they fail to understand that besides being a child to the parents, he/ she is also a social being. The era of “beating up kids behind doors without neighbors knowing and intervention” is over, now abandoned by modern civilization. You have to consciously recognize that a child’s human rights supersede your sovereignty over the child and should, if you ever had such authority, to begin with (you do not). The society and people around us no longer respect an obedient slave. Instead, they respect a person daring to think, daring to act, daring to stand out, daring to be creative, and written in capital letters (a real human being who is unafraid of power or authority).
The same logic that applies to a family also applies to a nation. Such nations that claim sovereignty superseding human rights must bend to more powerful foreign countries and act tyrannous and cruelly to their citizens/ subjects. Their tradition of “beating up children (subjects) behind doors” will soon be thrown out by the world community. A nation is a collection of many, many families. A family’s operational mechanism reflects that nation’s culture. If a man beats up his wife and children after he gets bullied outside of his house, and many, many similar men and families form a nation, that nation will naturally produce an authoritarian ruler or government which acts the same way in the international arena. If you plan to repatriate back to China with your children and assimilate to its traditional culture, ready to bend to authorities to live a quiet life, then you should not read this series of my blogs. However, you should still be aware that the world is changing. The popular culture and people’s value system in China may also change, perhaps rather quickly, while your children are growing up there.
2011年感恩节
感恩节是美国人感恩上帝的节日，但我想到的是感恩我的父母和爷爷、姥姥对我的哺育。也借机回复很多网友的提问：“润涛阎学生，您是如何教育孩子的？”其中的第一讲：孩子自信心的培养。
首先说一个题外话：很多读者喜欢我的文章，就连我以博客文章为主出版的书在我的博客读者中就卖掉了九百多册，而我只是一个理科生，压根就不知道文学院的教材里写的啥。读者喜欢我的文章纯粹是因为我的独立见解令人耳目一新。事实上，只有那些“集思想性、知识性、趣味性、逻辑性于一身”的文章才能传世，而其中最重要的是思想性，也就是思他人不敢思，想他人不敢想。科学产品也一样，大家喜欢乔布斯，就是因为他的独创性。没有创新精神的山寨产品，永远不能得到世人的尊重，道理便在于此。
一个人不论在哪方面能特立独行，Ta必须具备独立思维能力，而具备独立思维能力首先要有强大的自信心，内心里没有对权威对强权丝毫的恐惧。否则即使再聪明也只能是跟着权威后面爬行、对强权卑躬屈膝的奴才。
自信心是从孩童时代培养出来的。
如果你现在已经是为人之父之母了，你在孩子还在“被动记忆”（三周岁以前）期间和有了“主动记忆”的早期（三周岁到七周岁）曾经用你那冰冷的眼睛瞪过孩子，甚至吼过孩子、骂过孩子甚至打过孩子，一句话，你羞辱过孩子的自尊心，你今天就应该在你孩子面前面壁三小时。你孩子问你在干啥，你告诉孩子你在忏悔，因你曾经按照与现代文明格格不入的中国几千年遗留下来的奴性文化培育你的孩子。亡羊补牢，以减少损失。
别小看孩子在被动记忆里的你那一瞪、一吼，它使得你的孩子自幼就有了对强者的恐惧，等到孩子有了主动记忆，你那一瞪、一吼便加深了孩子内心的认知：面对强者就要服软、不能挑战强者。你的孩子长大后就自然而然地认同了人就应该是一个恃强凌弱、迷信权威、不能冒头的奴才。
我在被动记忆里没有这样的记忆，但到了有记忆力后，我有了这样的经历，那是我老舅给我的。我小时候不曾到其他亲戚家住的，从来都不会到亲戚家吃饭，除了我老舅家和我二姨家，因为老舅家的孬子表弟和二姨家的表姐常常住在我家，走得很近。
那天我跟妈妈去看姥姥，老舅平白无故就恶狠狠地用双眼瞪我。我不知所措，但感觉不对便拉着妈妈要回家。舅妈不干，说已经说好了要住下的干嘛要回家。我只是拉妈妈回家，妈妈并不知道为何。倒是老舅一看我妈要走，他才说出他瞪了我两眼搞恶作剧逗孩子玩。
回到家后妈妈告诉了我爸和爷爷我们回来的原因，爷爷告诉我，以后不要害怕老舅，他瞪你时你就瞪他。从此很长时间我做恶梦就是看到老舅的那双恶狠狠的眼神。
我爷爷去世后我高中毕业那年，我老舅竟然无故在很多亲人面前打了我大弟弟，我爸爸妈妈都在场。没有任何理由，当时亲戚们在帮我家盖房。老舅给出的理由是说我大弟弟在偷懒，这纯粹是狼说羊把水弄混了一样荒唐。我大弟弟勤奋到了难以想象的地步，从小就在严寒的冬天凌晨起来去拾粪，手上的冻伤肿得像个包。那老舅为何如此无理呢？根本原因我们全家都知道，那就是他不容忍一个不打骂孩子的家庭在这个地球上可以存在。他边打边说是帮父母打孩子，可此时大弟弟已经是15周岁的人了，里里外外的家务活他都勤勤恳恳地干，那么成熟的人哪里是孩子？老舅发现我爸妈不说一句话，觉得很无趣很荒唐就怒冲冲地回家了，他以为我父母会说一句“该打”之类的话。老舅之所以敢打我大弟弟，是因为他是我们家最亲的人，他自幼跟他三姐（我妈）关系最好，是我妈把他带大的，也是我妈最疼的人。我们小的时候我家里有活他就过来帮忙，他特别疼爱三姐（我妈），所以，他认为他有责任帮我妈管教孩子。至于为何管教孩子，那就是“下雨天打孩子闲着也是闲着”的传统文化，而我家孩子可以跟家长开玩笑、平起平坐，他看不惯。家长没有家长至高无上的尊严，那还了得！从此以后，他很久不到我家。大弟弟被打后，我父母很不高兴。要是我爷爷在世一定会告诉他：“下次如果老舅再打你就还手！他和你在人格上是等同的！”这也是我爷爷活着的时候老舅从没敢打我们的原因，我爷爷有脾气他是知道的。倒是我大弟弟非常清楚老舅打他的原因，念及他的恩情，过年时照样去给他拜年，跟他还是那样亲切，慢慢的老舅也就不再觉得尴尬了。
我们家兄弟姐妹六人没有一个在幼年期跟父母有逆反心理的，因为从来没有过被瞪、被骂、被打的经历。什么事干错了大人们就假装没看到，让孩子们自己纠正。记得我小时写毛笔字把一个字写错了，便跟旁边的爸爸说我写错了，爸爸说他小时候写错的比我的多。旁边的爷爷立刻纠正他：“不是你小时候写错字比孩子多，而是现在你写错字也比孩子多，也比你小时候错的多。”爸爸哈哈一笑。我对此不解，便跟爷爷说这不可能。爸爸说，孩子犯错要比大人少，这个是真的，这也是天底下没有一个家长有资格打骂孩子的原因！我说比如小孩子偷东西呢？爸爸说：“孩子偷东西就是偷点瓜、枣，而大人可以窃国，把整个国家窃为己有。所以，大人打骂孩子是荒唐的、毫无理由的一种恶习，是传统文化里配合“君为臣纲”而建立的“父为子纲”，要让成年人不敢挑战当权者的权力和威严，就必须在孩童时代从内心建立对强者的恐惧感，只有这样长大后才能自觉做到对当权者奴颜婢膝。所以，打从秦始皇建立帝制以后的两千多年里就没有再出现过思想家。百家争鸣出来的那些思想家都是秦始皇以前出现的。”
我后来也当了父亲，也有了两个孩子。我在两个孩子面前没有所谓的威严。每当我告诉我的朋友这个事的时候，朋友们都觉得不可思议，甚至还给我找其它理由。全然不理解这是我自己的愿望。
如果说在毛泽东时代，一个特立独行的个性，一个大写的人，很难不遭受到社会上的各种灾难，那今天，你的孩子在海外，断然没有了这个顾虑了。你如果想让你的孩子活得有尊严，成为一个有创新能力的人、一个大写的人、一个被人尊重的人、一个有独立思考能力的人，而不是奴颜婢膝、恃强凌弱、惧怕权威的可怜虫，你就要让孩子在三岁之前建立自信，建立起在内心世界里不畏强人、不畏权威的个性，尤其要让孩子知道：他的尊严和你的尊严是等同的。
我有很多我小时候的经历，就是爷爷、爸爸妈妈让孩子们懂得“尊重他人而得到他人对自己的尊重”、让孩子惧怕的不是强人（家长）而是真理和规则（惧怕强人与惧怕真理是完全不同的两回事）。
我两个女儿把爸爸看成是哥哥把妈妈看成是姐姐一样，平等待人，对父母无话不说，因为不需要对父母说谎。什么事她们都可以自己做主。从小如此，今天依然如此。我为她们高兴的是在社会上不卑不亢，勤奋努力，尊重他人，自信自强的素养。至于干什么工作挣多少钱，不是我关心的内容。
有人以为，孩子是自己花费很多心血养大的，是自己的私有财产，所以，孩子在家里就得听话。但你想没想，你的孩子不仅仅在家里生存，他还是一个社会人。那种关上门打自己孩子邻居管不着的时代早已被现代文明抛弃了。你需要在内心深处懂得：孩子的人权大于主权，如果你误以为你有孩子的主权的话（事实上你没有）。人们尊重的不再是唯唯诺诺的奴才，而是敢想敢干特立独行有创新精神的大写的人。
国家也一样，那些以主权大于人权的国家必然对外卑躬屈膝而对内残暴镇压，也必然被尊重人权的国家打败。那种关上门打孩子（子民）的传统文化很快就会被人类抛弃。国是由一个个家组成的，而每个家的内涵就反应了这个国家的文化，在外面挨欺负后到家打老婆孩子的家庭组成的国家必然是对外软弱对内搜刮民脂民膏的专制政权。如果你要带你的孩子海龟去适应国内的奴性文化，对强者卑躬屈膝以求安稳，那不需要读此系列文章。但你也要知道，世界在变，你的孩子长大后国内的价值观也许会很大变化。
Thanksgiving is an American holiday to thank God for his blessings after the autumn harvest. On this day, I would like to thank my mother and father, my paternal grandfather, and my maternal grandmother for their nurturing
during my childhood. This essay will address the question raised by many of my blog readers, “Mr. RunTao Yan, how do you educate your children?” Here is Part 1 of my Child Education Series, Help Your Child to Build Confidence.
First, allow me to say something not directly related to today’s topic.
Many readers like my blogs. I have sold more than 900 copies of a book,
which merely reprints my blogs that anyone can read for free. I am a
scientist, not a professional writer. I do not even know what they teach in a typical Creative Writing program or any writing program in college. I
guess readers like my blogs purely because of my unique, refreshing, and
independent perspectives. Only writings that offer vision, knowledge, fun,
and sound logic can last for generations. Of these critical qualities, a
unique concept is by far the essential element. This means exploring what
others dare not explore and thinking what others dare not think. Technical
products follow much the same logic, just like Steve Jobs, because of his
unique vision in creativity. Copycat products that lack creativity never
earn people’s respect.
No matter in which field a person excels, he/she must possess the ability to think independently. This ability depends on his/her strong sense of self-
confidence or being fearless in front of authority or a tyrant. Otherwise,
even a super-intelligent person will crawl behind authority or kneel before the tyrant.
Self-confidence is nurtured in early childhood.
If you are a parent and viciously yelled, cursed, or beaten your child when he/she only had passive memory (before three years of age) or had active
memory (between 3 and 7 years of age), you would have mentally damaged your child and diminished his/her self-respect. Today, as a result of your
actions, you should face the consequences and have a timeout for three hours in front of your child. If he/she asks you what you are doing, you should tell him/her that you are repenting because you nurtured him/her with
servility, which has dominated the Chinese culture for thousands of years
and is in complete conflict with modern civilization. It would be best if
you stop doing what you have been doing to minimize the damage that has
already been done to your child.
Do not underestimate the damage to your child through these passive memories of your menacing stares and yells. This passive memory may have sowed the
seeds of fear. If repeated through the child’s years of active memory, such stares and yells may reinforce this fear and form the conception that he/
she has to bend before a strongman and never challenge authority.
Consequently, your child may grow up with the belief and behavior pattern
that he/she should likewise bully the weak, kiss up to power, and never
stand out in a crowd. In other words, he/she may have been nurtured into a
self-disciplined slave.
I do not have any recollection of mistreatment in my passive memory. However, after I developed active memory, I did receive such abuse from my uncle on my mother’s side, the Big Uncle. During my childhood, I never stayed
overnight, nor had any meals in any relatives’ homes, except the home of
Big Uncle and Second Auntie. Big Uncle’s son, Cousin Naughty, and Second
Aunt’s daughter, frequently came to our house and stayed the night. These
two families had been quite close to ours.
One day my mother and I visited her mother, who lived with her son, Big
Uncle. While visiting, Big Uncle menacingly stared at me for no reason. I
got nervous and felt something was wrong. I dragged my mother out of their
house and asked my mother to go home. Big Uncle’s wife was confused and did not allow us to leave. She said, “We’ve all agreed that you should stay
here overnight. Why do you want to leave so soon?” I kept asking my mother to leave, but she did not know what had happened. In the end, Big Uncle told the truth that it was he who stared at me to scare me, just for fun.
After arriving home, my mother told my father and grandfather why we came
back early. My grandfather then told me not to be afraid of Big Uncle. “If he stares at you, you should stare back at him!” Since then, and for a long time after, Big Uncle’s menacing stares often appeared in my nightmares.
One day in the year of my high school graduation, which was after my
grandfather’s passing, Big Uncle hit my younger brother in front of my
mother and father. Again, it was for no reason. During the time, we were
building a new home for our family, for which we had many relatives come to help. Big Uncle defended his actions by saying my brother was loafing on the job, which was completely untrue. It was a nonsense claim, like a wolf
blaming a sheep for muddying the water in the river.
My brother is as diligent a person as anyone could imagine. He started
collecting horse dung (translator note: people use it as natural fertilizer in the farmland)one early winter morning when he was a little kid, which
resulted in terrible frostbite on the back of his hands. We could not
understand why Big Uncle acted so viciously? We did all know why. It was
because he could not live with the fact that a family could survive in this world without cursing and beating up children. While he was hitting my
brother, he said he was beating up a child on behalf of the child’s parents. In fact, my brother was 15 at the time and taking care of all the house
chores with extreme diligence. How could such a mature young man still be
regarded as a child? Recognizing that my mother and father did not say a
word, Big Uncle left with disappointment and anger. He expected my mother or father would save his face by saying that my brother “deserves the beating.”
Big Uncle had the guts to hit my brother (his nephew) because he was the
closest kin to my family. He had the closest sibling relationship with his
third older sister (my mother) since a very young age. My mother was almost his surrogate mother, and she loved him the most among all the siblings. He always came to help whenever our family needed labor. He also loved my
mother the most among all of his kin. He felt he had the responsibility to
help my mother nurture her children. As to how the nurturing would be
carried out, he simply followed the thousand-year-old Chinese tradition of
“beating up your child on a rainy day, while having nothing else to do.”
However, in my family, children can make fun of their parents and treat them as equals. Big Uncle could not tolerate that. In his mind, if parents did
not have the supreme authority over their children, the family would not be a family! After that incident, he stopped coming to our house for a long
time. The beating incident made my mother and father unhappy.
Had my grandfather been alive, he would probably have told my brother, “If Big Uncle hits you, you should hit him back! He and you are equal human
beings in this world!” That was also why Big Uncle never dared to hit us
when my grandfather was alive. He knew my grandfather had a temper on such
issues. In fact, my brother understood Big Uncle’s twisted logic clearly.
In remembering Big Uncle’s kindness to our family in other aspects, my
brother continued to pay New Year’s visits to him and continued to act with care and sincerity. Over time, Big Uncle stopped feeling the awkwardness
when interacting with my brother.
Of our six siblings, no one had rebellious thoughts or behavior while
growing up. This is because we never had the experience of being stared at
viciously, cursed at, or beaten up. If we did anything wrong, our mother,
father, and grandfather just pretended they did not see and let us correct
it by ourselves. I remember when I was a younger boy, I made a mistake while practicing calligraphy. I told my father, “Oops, I did this wrong.” My
father said to me, He had made more mistakes when he was that age. My
grandfather, who was on the side, corrected him. “It’s not that you made
more mistakes than this boy when you were young. It is that you are making
more mistakes now than this boy, and you are making more mistakes now than
when you were young!” My father laughed at the comment. I did not
understand and said to my grandfather that it could not be possible. Then my father told me seriously, “Children make fewer mistakes than grownups, and that is true. This is also why a parent has no right to beat up his/her
child, anywhere in this world.”
I asked, “What if a child steals?”
My father said, “A child can only steal a melon or a date. A grownup can
steal a nation, grabbing the entire country and all its resources. Therefore, beating up a child is a senseless, illogical, and horrendous act. This act is derived from the traditional Chinese doctrine of ‘father trumps son,’ which supports the grander doctrine of ’emperor trumps minister,’ all to
establish and strengthen the hierarchical order of the traditional Chinese
society. To prevent grownups from challenging the ruler’s power and
authority, the society must sow the seeds of fear of the power in their
heart as a child. Only through this growing-up nurturing would a grownup act like a slave voluntarily and subconsciously. In China, there have not been any deep thinkers for over two thousand years. This has been so ever since
Emperor Qin Shihuang established the first Imperial Dynasty and the Imperial System. All deep thinkers appeared during the period of ‘A Hundred School of Thought,’ before Emperor Qin Shihuang.”
When I became a father and had two young children, I never had the so-called “power and authority” in front of them. When I told this fact to my
Chinese friends, they all thought it was incredible and wanted to help me
figure out why. They could not comprehend that it was my wish to relinquish such parental power and authority.
It is true to say that an independent-minded person, a person written in
capital letters (a real human being who is unafraid of power or authority), would have a hard time surviving in the Mao era without experiencing various kinds of mistreatments and tragedies. Nowadays, our children growing up in the free world should not have such worries. Suppose you want your child to live with dignity, to become a person with creativity, a person written in
capital letters. In that case, a person respected by others, a person with
an independent mind and not a pathetic soul who bows to the powerful,
bullies the weak, and is afraid of authority, you should help your child
before reaching his/her third birthday, to establish his/her self-confidence, show the personality that is unafraid of a strongman or authority, and
with such courage deeply rooted in his/her heart. You should especially let your child know that his/her dignity is as precious as yours.
I have many childhood experiences and recollections of my grandfather,
father, and mother, teaching me the principle of “respecting others and
earning back the respect from them,” and the belief “what a child should
be afraid of is not a strongman or a parent, but not knowing the truth (
Being fearful of a strongman and not knowing the truth, are entirely
different concepts).
The daughters regard their father as an older brother and their mother as an older sister. They treat their parents as equals and tell them everything
because there is no need to lie. They make full decisions for their affairs and continue to do so now. What I am proud of is their character. They are
unpretentious, diligent, hardworking, respectful, self-confident, and self-
motivated. As to what jobs they do and how much they earn, I do not care a
bit.
Many parents feel that a child who is brought up with lots of effort and
resources is their private property, and therefore, must obey parents as
long as they are living with them.
But they fail to understand that besides being a child to the parents, he/
she is also a social being. The era of “beating up kids behind doors
without neighbors knowing and intervention” is over, now abandoned by
modern civilization. You have to consciously recognize that a child’s human rights supersede your sovereignty over the child and should, if you ever
had such authority, to begin with (you do not). The society and people
around us no longer respect an obedient slave. Instead, they respect a
person daring to think, daring to act, daring to stand out, daring to be
creative, and written in capital letters (a real human being who is unafraid of power or authority).
The same logic that applies to a family also applies to a nation. Such
nations that claim sovereignty superseding human rights must bend to more
powerful foreign countries and act tyrannous and cruelly to their citizens/
subjects. Their tradition of “beating up children (subjects) behind doors” will soon be thrown out by the world community. A nation is a collection of many, many families. A family’s operational mechanism reflects that nation’s culture. If a man beats up his wife and children after he gets bullied
outside of his house, and many, many similar men and families form a nation, that nation will naturally produce an authoritarian ruler or government
which acts the same way in the international arena. If you plan to
repatriate back to China with your children and assimilate to its
traditional culture, ready to bend to authorities to live a quiet life, then you should not read this series of my blogs. However, you should still be
aware that the world is changing. The popular culture and people’s value
system in China may also change, perhaps rather quickly, while your children are growing up there.
good
人生是一段旅途，起始于每个生命呱呱坠地，睁眼看这个世界，终止于这个生命闭目安息，辞世回归自然。在这一段旅途之中，每个人会走上不尽相同甚至千差万别的道路。这道路或长或短，或上或下，或平直宽阔，或曲折狭窄。一路上，我们会认识各式各样的人物，经历平淡无味或者千奇百怪的事情。
老阎的人生之旅是曲折坎坷的，这不仅是他上大学之前，一直处在相对恶劣的自然环境之中，更是他经常要面对丑陋的人和事，以及随之而来的各种不公。在充满曲折和坎坷的逆境之中如何能生存下来，这是很多人都要面对的问题。
古有孟母，今有虎妈。很多父母都望子成龙，望女成凤，这无可厚非，但是可能有不少人忽视了一点，那就是当子女遇到挫折陷入困境的时候怎么办？父母能全权包办吗？要是这样，子女还怎么成长？可要是父母什么都不做，全推给子女，孩子们能经受住大的挫折吗？对此，老阎给我们提供了一个思路。在《锻炼孩子的逆境生存能力很有必要》这篇博文中， 老阎提到了如何以及为什么要锻炼孩子的逆境生存能力。 个人觉得这篇文章很值得华人家长一读。尤其是国内的家长，虽然现在放开二胎了， 但以前很长一
段时间都是独生子女， 对孩子娇惯太多，挫折教育太少。 而走向社会后不可能总是一帆风顺的。
万般皆下品，唯有读书高。中国人重视教育，学习的好坏即便不是一个绝对的指标，也是一个非常重要的指标。从小学到高中，甚至大学，成绩和排名的高低，对每个人的影响是巨大的。在这种环境中，做一个学渣是相当难堪的，不仅要承受老师和同学的冷嘲热讽，还很可能被父母嫌弃。学渣有学渣的痛苦，但是做学霸甚至学神也不是一帆风顺的。木秀于林，风必摧之；堆出于岸，流必湍之；行高于人，众必非之。老阎天资极佳，自小优异过人，这导致他被不少同龄人嫉妒。甚至有些老师也妒贤忌才，取笑、挖苦、侮辱，甚至打压中学生阎润涛。在《你用权力羞辱我，我就让李白鲁迅顶缸》这篇文章中， 老阎讲述了自己高中时怎么应对和反击教导主任无缘无故羞辱的经历。 感慨一下，老阎那时小小年纪就这么成熟，谋定而后动，笑到了最后。网友们在学生时代，有没有过这样类似的经历？你们当时是怎么处理的？
离开学校，踏上社会，每个人需要面对更加复杂的情况。俗话说“人在江湖飘， 哪能
不挨刀”。在职场上，同事之间经常会产生各种各样的矛盾，上下级也可能因为种种原因发生冲突。尤其是作为第一代移民面对文化上差异，语言上的劣势，更有可能因为误解而加重这些矛盾冲突。这些矛盾冲突发展到一定程度，就会产生十分严重的后果，
这其中就有卢刚、王立山、吴京华那样毁了一个个家庭的惨痛例子。 如何理性地面对
，以及化解这些矛盾冲突，老阎在他的几篇博文中给出了自己的见解。
在《跟印度人打交道的经历》这篇文章中， 老阎介绍了自己是如何对付故意找茬的印
度同事的故事，并且通过王立山医生的例子提出了如何对付存心要整你的同事或老板的四条对策。感觉这篇文章中有一句话很有哲理： “你碰上了没有教养没有公平没有道
德的坏老板，你别想跟他斗而战胜他，那不是你的任务，你的任务是你的家庭幸福，你的前途。干掉坏人，连上帝都没干好的活，你想干好，那是自不量力。上帝偷懒没干好的活，你还是留给上帝吧。”
在《坏老板成就了的另一个创新奇人斯蒂夫》中， 老阎提出了一个让人耳目一新的观
点： “好人朋友能提供给你帮助，但坏人，才能改变你的命运，而且往往是绝佳的命
运。” 这也可以引申为逆境会改变一个人的命运，据一个在冷门专业的大学同学介绍
， 他们班毕业的时候找不到理想工作而自己闯荡的几个同学都事业有成了。
在庞杂的社会之中，每个人相对其他人，可能是个弱者、强者或者旗鼓相当者。矛盾和冲突，可能会发生在旗鼓相当的人之间，还有弱者和强者之间。对于弱者来说，在一个遵循丛林法则的地方和强者发生冲突，结果可能是灾难甚至毁灭性的。在这种情况下如何生存下来，对弱者是个很大的难题。相反，人类社会如何避免走到弱肉强食的地步，也是强者需要仔细考虑和应对的。在《美国人不可能判吴京华死刑》一文中， 老阎对
杨佳案和吴京华案给出了自己的分析并提出了自己的第五定律：“当强者不把自己和弱者当人看待后，弱者因报复而打死了强者，弱者不再受“杀人偿命”规则的约束了。” 老阎对吴京华案还评论说“中国人给人的印象是忍辱负重，就是好面子。但人家不懂
你这一套，以为你是真的软弱可欺，逆来顺受。其实，中国人内心并不是跟外表那么表里如一。仇恨一旦发芽，爆发出来就跟火山似的。” 真是目光如炬。
跟读老阎的文章多年，学到了很多东西， 也长了不少见识。 十分高兴能有这个机会把一些体会跟大家分享一下。也希望大家有时间也能够把读老阎文章的体会写出来。
自信教育出来的都是屁也不会眼高于顶的又狂又傻的孩子。正确的方式是要认识到
trade off,会做取舍。
麻痹又臭又长
【 在 sgsgsgsg (sgsgsgsg) 的大作中提到: 】
: 2011年感恩节
:
: 感恩节是美国人感恩上帝的节日，但我想到的是感恩我的父母和爷爷、姥姥对我的哺育
: 。也借机回复很多网友的提问：“润涛阎学生，您是如何教育孩子的？”其中的第一讲
: ：孩子自信心的培养。
:
: 首先说一个题外话：很多读者喜欢我的文章，就连我以博客文章为主出版的书在我的博
: 客读者中就卖掉了九百多册，而我只是一个理科生，压根就不知道文学院的教材里写的
: 啥。读者喜欢我的文章纯粹是因为我的独立见解令人耳目一新。事实上，只有那些“集
: 思想性、知识性、趣味性、逻辑性于一身”的文章才能传世，而其中最重要的是思想性
: ，也就是思他人不敢思，想他人不敢想。科学产品也一样，大家喜欢乔布斯，就是因为
: 他的独创性。没有创新精神的山寨产品，永远不能得到世人的尊重，道理便在于此。:
: 一个人不论在哪方面能特立独行，Ta必须具备独立思维能力，而具备独立思维能力首先
: 要有强大的自信心，内心里没有对权威对强权丝毫的恐惧。否则即使再聪明也只能是跟
: 着权威后面爬行、对强权卑躬屈膝的奴才。
:
: 自信心是从孩童时代培养出来的。
:
: 如果你现在已经是为人之父之母了，你在孩子还在“被动记忆”（三周岁以前）期间和
: 有了“主动记忆”的早期（三周岁到七周岁）曾经用你那冰冷的眼睛瞪过孩子，甚至吼
: 过孩子、骂过孩子甚至打过孩子，一句话，你羞辱过孩子的自尊心，你今天就应该在你
: 孩子面前面壁三小时。你孩子问你在干啥，你告诉孩子你在忏悔，因你曾经按照与现代
: 文明格格不入的中国几千年遗留下来的奴性文化培育你的孩子。亡羊补牢，以减少损失。
:
: 别小看孩子在被动记忆里的你那一瞪、一吼，它使得你的孩子自幼就有了对强者的恐惧
: ，等到孩子有了主动记忆，你那一瞪、一吼便加深了孩子内心的认知：面对强者就要服
: 软、不能挑战强者。你的孩子长大后就自然而然地认同了人就应该是一个恃强凌弱、迷
: 信权威、不能冒头的奴才。
:
: 我在被动记忆里没有这样的记忆，但到了有记忆力后，我有了这样的经历，那是我老舅
: 给我的。我小时候不曾到其他亲戚家住的，从来都不会到亲戚家吃饭，除了我老舅家和
: 我二姨家，因为老舅家的孬子表弟和二姨家的表姐常常住在我家，走得很近。
:
: 那天我跟妈妈去看姥姥，老舅平白无故就恶狠狠地用双眼瞪我。我不知所措，但感觉不
: 对便拉着妈妈要回家。舅妈不干，说已经说好了要住下的干嘛要回家。我只是拉妈妈回
: 家，妈妈并不知道为何。倒是老舅一看我妈要走，他才说出他瞪了我两眼搞恶作剧逗孩
: 子玩。
:
: 回到家后妈妈告诉了我爸和爷爷我们回来的原因，爷爷告诉我，以后不要害怕老舅，他
: 瞪你时你就瞪他。从此很长时间我做恶梦就是看到老舅的那双恶狠狠的眼神。
:
: 我爷爷去世后我高中毕业那年，我老舅竟然无故在很多亲人面前打了我大弟弟，我爸爸
: 妈妈都在场。没有任何理由，当时亲戚们在帮我家盖房。老舅给出的理由是说我大弟弟
: 在偷懒，这纯粹是狼说羊把水弄混了一样荒唐。我大弟弟勤奋到了难以想象的地步，从
: 小就在严寒的冬天凌晨起来去拾粪，手上的冻伤肿得像个包。那老舅为何如此无理呢？
: 根本原因我们全家都知道，那就是他不容忍一个不打骂孩子的家庭在这个地球上可以存
: 在。他边打边说是帮父母打孩子，可此时大弟弟已经是15周岁的人了，里里外外的家务
: 活他都勤勤恳恳地干，那么成熟的人哪里是孩子？老舅发现我爸妈不说一句话，觉得很
: 无趣很荒唐就怒冲冲地回家了，他以为我父母会说一句“该打”之类的话。老舅之所以
: 敢打我大弟弟，是因为他是我们家最亲的人，他自幼跟他三姐（我妈）关系最好，是我
: 妈把他带大的，也是我妈最疼的人。我们小的时候我家里有活他就过来帮忙，他特别疼
: 爱三姐（我妈），所以，他认为他有责任帮我妈管教孩子。至于为何管教孩子，那就是
: “下雨天打孩子闲着也是闲着”的传统文化，而我家孩子可以跟家长开玩笑、平起平坐
: ，他看不惯。家长没有家长至高无上的尊严，那还了得！从此以后，他很久不到我家。
: 大弟弟被打后，我父母很不高兴。要是我爷爷在世一定会告诉他：“下次如果老舅再打
: 你就还手！他和你在人格上是等同的！”这也是我爷爷活着的时候老舅从没敢打我们的
: 原因，我爷爷有脾气他是知道的。倒是我大弟弟非常清楚老舅打他的原因，念及他的恩
: 情，过年时照样去给他拜年，跟他还是那样亲切，慢慢的老舅也就不再觉得尴尬了。:
: 我们家兄弟姐妹六人没有一个在幼年期跟父母有逆反心理的，因为从来没有过被瞪、被
: 骂、被打的经历。什么事干错了大人们就假装没看到，让孩子们自己纠正。记得我小时
: 写毛笔字把一个字写错了，便跟旁边的爸爸说我写错了，爸爸说他小时候写错的比我的
: 多。旁边的爷爷立刻纠正他：“不是你小时候写错字比孩子多，而是现在你写错字也比
: 孩子多，也比你小时候错的多。”爸爸哈哈一笑。我对此不解，便跟爷爷说这不可能。
: 爸爸说，孩子犯错要比大人少，这个是真的，这也是天底下没有一个家长有资格打骂孩
: 子的原因！我说比如小孩子偷东西呢？爸爸说：“孩子偷东西就是偷点瓜、枣，而大人
: 可以窃国，把整个国家窃为己有。所以，大人打骂孩子是荒唐的、毫无理由的一种恶习
: ，是传统文化里配合“君为臣纲”而建立的“父为子纲”，要让成年人不敢挑战当权者
: 的权力和威严，就必须在孩童时代从内心建立对强者的恐惧感，只有这样长大后才能自
: 觉做到对当权者奴颜婢膝。所以，打从秦始皇建立帝制以后的两千多年里就没有再出现
: 过思想家。百家争鸣出来的那些思想家都是秦始皇以前出现的。”
:
: 我后来也当了父亲，也有了两个孩子。我在两个孩子面前没有所谓的威严。每当我告诉
: 我的朋友这个事的时候，朋友们都觉得不可思议，甚至还给我找其它理由。全然不理解
: 这是我自己的愿望。
:
: 如果说在毛泽东时代，一个特立独行的个性，一个大写的人，很难不遭受到社会上的各
: 种灾难，那今天，你的孩子在海外，断然没有了这个顾虑了。你如果想让你的孩子活得
: 有尊严，成为一个有创新能力的人、一个大写的人、一个被人尊重的人、一个有独立思
: 考能力的人，而不是奴颜婢膝、恃强凌弱、惧怕权威的可怜虫，你就要让孩子在三岁之
: 前建立自信，建立起在内心世界里不畏强人、不畏权威的个性，尤其要让孩子知道：他
: 的尊严和你的尊严是等同的。
:
: 我有很多我小时候的经历，就是爷爷、爸爸妈妈让孩子们懂得“尊重他人而得到他人对
: 自己的尊重”、让孩子惧怕的不是强人（家长）而是真理和规则（惧怕强人与惧怕真理
: 是完全不同的两回事）。
:
: 我两个女儿把爸爸看成是哥哥把妈妈看成是姐姐一样，平等待人，对父母无话不说，因
: 为不需要对父母说谎。什么事她们都可以自己做主。从小如此，今天依然如此。我为她
: 们高兴的是在社会上不卑不亢，勤奋努力，尊重他人，自信自强的素养。至于干什么工
: 作挣多少钱，不是我关心的内容。
:
: 有人以为，孩子是自己花费很多心血养大的，是自己的私有财产，所以，孩子在家里就
: 得听话。但你想没想，你的孩子不仅仅在家里生存，他还是一个社会人。那种关上门打
: 自己孩子邻居管不着的时代早已被现代文明抛弃了。你需要在内心深处懂得：孩子的人
: 权大于主权，如果你误以为你有孩子的主权的话（事实上你没有）。人们尊重的不再是
: 唯唯诺诺的奴才，而是敢想敢干特立独行有创新精神的大写的人。
:
: 国家也一样，那些以主权大于人权的国家必然对外卑躬屈膝而对内残暴镇压，也必然被
: 尊重人权的国家打败。那种关上门打孩子（子民）的传统文化很快就会被人类抛弃。国
: 是由一个个家组成的，而每个家的内涵就反应了这个国家的文化，在外面挨欺负后到家
: 打老婆孩子的家庭组成的国家必然是对外软弱对内搜刮民脂民膏的专制政权。如果你要
: 带你的孩子海龟去适应国内的奴性文化，对强者卑躬屈膝以求安稳，那不需要读此系列
: 文章。但你也要知道，世界在变，你的孩子长大后国内的价值观也许会很大变化。
阎润套在对他亲过再生父母的宇宙最发达国家
咋就随随便便死了？
老阎回答不出这个问题的话
说啥都是扯淡
大部分同意。
【 在 sgsgsgsg (sgsgsgsg) 的大作中提到: 】
: 2011年感恩节
: 感恩节是美国人感恩上帝的节日，但我想到的是感恩我的父母和爷爷、姥姥对我的哺育
: 。也借机回复很多网友的提问：“润涛阎学生，您是如何教育孩子的？”其中的第一讲
: ：孩子自信心的培养。
: 首先说一个题外话：很多读者喜欢我的文章，就连我以博客文章为主出版的书在我的博
: 客读者中就卖掉了九百多册，而我只是一个理科生，压根就不知道文学院的教材里写的
: 啥。读者喜欢我的文章纯粹是因为我的独立见解令人耳目一新。事实上，只有那些“集
: 思想性、知识性、趣味性、逻辑性于一身”的文章才能传世，而其中最重要的是思想性
: ，也就是思他人不敢思，想他人不敢想。科学产品也一样，大家喜欢乔布斯，就是因为
: 他的独创性。没有创新精神的山寨产品，永远不能得到世人的尊重，道理便在于此。: ...................