求助:高中女娃要求看therapist

公用马甲25
楼主 (北美华人网)
娃16岁。天性敏感,情绪化,动不动就哭,悲观,常说人生没意义,看半杯子水浅。喜欢艺术,仪式感,享受主义,觉得学习枯燥,没意义。学习凑合,以前都是A,没有EC成绩。我们不奢望爬藤,想着州立就行。不敢推学习,怕她承受不了(高中刚开始在tough program, 闹死闹活了一个月,就转学去普通高中了)。想过推一下EC,娃直接说不配和。谈学业前途,娃根本不回话。谈闲话,倒是开心恣意的很。所以平时我们谈学习都是旁敲侧击见缝插针,尽量带着好吃好玩。上学期开始抱怨AP 数学老师不好,我们辅导了几次,成绩上去后以为跟上了,就没再盯着。最近家长刚发现这门课有几个小测验都是D的分数,很着急,严肃的和她说了,要补课。她现在要求见counseling therapist,然后埋怨我不给她找 。去年有段时间我担心她情绪不稳,就给她找了网上/电话 counseling. 她勉为其难的试了几次,说不喜欢,要找就找local 的。我看她情绪恢复正常了,就没再继续找local 的。
现在她主动说要马上找 counseling therapist。老公不太支持,觉得美国的这种couseling 只会顺着娃的意思说你已经很努力了之类,对学业反而适得其反。我担心娃的情绪,想再试试看,网上看了local的几家psychologist, counseling therapist ,不是白男,就是年轻白女,也不知道怎么选。娃也不愿意和我们交流。找她谈话,要么不理睬要么嗯嗯嗯。不知道该怎么办。

 

🔥 最新回帖

f
finishstrong
227 楼
airsense 发表于 2024-04-04 12:19
问题是回到现实当中,你的问题消失了吗。
这个楼主情况其实简单,不和孩子谈学习就好了,因为学习是为了更好的生活,而生活需要健康,所以健康第一。大不了在店里做销售也可以生活。

Psychological counseling 是应该有个toolbox提供各种coping skills/tools.
比如说焦虑,急性的情况会建议你用湿毛巾敷下脖子,等等,能让人从不能自拔的情绪中take a break.
比如说Cognitive Behavior Therapy.
f
finishstrong
226 楼
jmmay 发表于 2024-04-04 12:13
你们那里年龄多少岁可以自己决定
不同意看万一会担责任
但是也有说法以后找工作 背景调查虽然不一定看的见 会让你自己填表是否看过类似医疗服务。自己掂量吧。以后遇到事打官司出庭都会成为你情绪不稳大数据。

请层主别误导。
敢问层主找过工作吗?背景调查如果如你所说就违反了HIPPA.
唯一相关的是申请工作时会问你有或曾有过disability, 其中包括depression. 这是因为公司中disability 员工有一定份额/quota. 而且你完全可以选don’t want to disclose.
二十年前通过保险就诊可能会导致的后果是这会成为preexisting condition, 导致需要自己买医疗保险时这些部分不被cover 或申请时被据。现在有Obama Care,这一点就不再需要担心。
讳疾忌医,自欺欺人,掩耳盗铃,耽误的是急需帮助的人。
j
jinyuandxia
225 楼
Giovanna 发表于 2024-04-03 12:45
作为一个青春期情绪波动到抑郁,差点把高考搞砸的家长,我非常理解孩子的心情,也非常理解父母的为难。
一方面,孩子处在这个时期有很多困惑和情绪找不到出口。大人告诉她要怎么做,如何自我调节和自我解脱,是毫无用处的。那些情绪我绝对不会跟父母说,虽然我和父母关系一直很亲密也完全信任他们,但是有关self esteem的事情,父母这个立场本身就全盘invalidate所有他们所说的话。父母自带滤镜,当然看我什么都好,当然要说些鼓励和支持的话。而且很多情绪就是莫名其妙的出现和消退,没有合理的解释,谁都帮不上忙。另一方面,作为父母,我非常清楚therapist的利弊。我在本科修过很多门心理学课程,读过很多不同门派的心理学英文教材,在美国自己也找过therapist(十年前,近几年不了解),可以说绝大部分水平堪忧。我相信有非常优秀的therapist,但鉴别好坏需要本人要有一定的水平,就像找健身coach和trainer一样,不是新手小白一上来就能捡到宝的。对于从来没接触过心理学的人,第一次见therapist会觉得哇塞太厉害了,有种醍醐灌顶的感觉,但其实他们说的大部分理论和实践方法我都已经门儿清,没什么价值。这还不是最坏的情况。假如trainer水平不行,用他错误的理论指导实践,代价是你身体会受伤,伤害是显性的,疗愈之后不再找他就是了。psychotherapist假如信奉错误的观念,这种影响家长无法及时察觉,会给孩子带来不可逆转的伤害,甚至引上歧途不归路。学业压力这个困扰我从来没有,counseling是否有用我不敢说。如果孩子和家长都对压力和anxiety毫无经验,找个专业人士也许是个选择。但同时,不要放弃学习。现在的资源那么多,没什么难的,看下cognitive behavioral therapy应该是最快入门的。
目前的困境,楼主可以试一试找个孩子和家长都trust的人,让孩子跟ta聊聊。孩子找therapist,最大的作用其实是被倾听,被理解,被认同;至于是否能解决眼下她的问题,那是secondary。所以聊的时候,重要的是给予理解和情绪上的肯定,千万不要说教。对父母而言,最大的难点就是这里,你很难眼睁睁的看着她的错误想法而不跳出来指责和纠正。更何况,我自己有很多很多亲身经验想分享,想迫不及待的告诉孩子,这个问题真的有solution,你妈我十年前已经摸索出来了。但这样做,后果就是孩子会把你屏蔽,不再敞开心扉。既然倾诉对象不是父母,那么这个人选,家长要对ta的人品有充分了解,又不是老古董,孩子能relate,甚至比较崇拜。比如邻居亲戚家的大学生,大哥哥大姐姐之类。我一直在留心培养这样的support system。比如我身边有个发小目前也住得很近,她就是那种年轻的时候玩的很疯,但又没出格不做任何过分的事那种,目前生活稳定家庭靠谱。跟她在一起就是fun,我两个女儿(preteen)跟她都很亲,和她一起玩是跟我们不一样的体验,还可以在无关痛痒的问题上break the rule。我们说好了以后要是青春期女儿跟我们吵架,可以去她家“离家出走”,有个缓冲。我家孩子的姑姑也经常带她们去好吃的好玩的,每次姑姑来她俩都非常期待。感情培养起来,将来也许会有用处。同样的话,父母说出来,孩子会反感自动屏蔽,但是如果是她信任很亲近的人说,也许会停下来想一想。我们在美国做父母,最忌讳就是孤立无援,想靠一己之力去对抗大环境。你必须要对主流的那一套说辞well versed,同时建立有一个小圈子,大家的想法和理念都差不多,才能产生影响力。确实很难,这也是为什么要参与孩子的朋友圈,了解朋友的家庭背景和家长的价值观,多参与集体活动,而不是在家关起门来各推各的娃。

therapist 自己会有心理问题的困扰吗?或者说一般人修几门心理学课程,能给自己找到问题所在吗
小金猪
224 楼
airsense 发表于 2024-04-04 12:19
问题是回到现实当中,你的问题消失了吗。
这个楼主情况其实简单,不和孩子谈学习就好了,因为学习是为了更好的生活,而生活需要健康,所以健康第一。大不了在店里做销售也可以生活。

Therapist 肯定解决不了现实中的问题啊!好的咨询师是帮你把一团乱麻理出线头,或者改变看问题的角度,最终还是靠自己。顺着你说让你感觉被理解,从而更加接受自己。很多抑郁症是没法客观看待自己,永远觉得not good enough. 不过好的咨询师真的很少
小金猪
223 楼
回复 210楼 剪秋萝碎米荠 的帖子
见到D肯定是着急的,但孩子本来不爱学习,还上的是AP, 如果数学不是强项,又是敏感孩子,上个普通班更适合,压力小孩子还可能爱学一些

 

🛋️ 沙发板凳

孩子都主动求助了,家长应该赶紧行动起来帮着找,别追悔莫及。先找一个看着,如果不合适继续找个更适合孩子的。
S
Swinging
可以问问学校的康搜,应该有推荐的。 比起孩子的身心健康,学业根本算不了啥。
a
andyyu00
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
人都快崩溃不行了,还担心对学业不好?
F
Frcssa
Bad Therapy by @AbigailShrier

Chapter 9: The Road Paved by Gentle Parents
“What actually makes for miserable kids? Placing them in charge. Failing to hold their behavior to high standards and not punishing them when they deliberately allow it to fall short. And, yes —according to Baumrind-what else makes for an unhappy kid? Parents behaving in a consistently "affirmative manner toward the child''s impulses, desires and actions." 
“Want to know why the rising generation of kids doesn''t want to have children of their own? It''s because we made parenting look so damn miserable.”
c
crazyeater
当然给看,你娃有问题能主动寻求帮助是好事,不行你让她自己选喜欢的呗。我感觉你和你老公可能也需要去看therapist,如果你想更好地帮助孩子,希望孩子搭理你,还是要专家帮你们梳理一下亲子关系里的问题在哪。
l
lolilollipop
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 10:50
娃16岁。天性敏感,情绪化,动不动就哭,悲观,常说人生没意义,看半杯子水浅。喜欢艺术,仪式感,享受主义,觉得学习枯燥,没意义。学习凑合,以前都是A,没有EC成绩。我们不奢望爬藤,想着州立就行。不敢推学习,怕她承受不了(高中刚开始在tough program, 闹死闹活了一个月,就转学去普通高中了)。想过推一下EC,娃直接说不配和。谈学业前途,娃根本不回话。谈闲话,倒是开心恣意的很。所以平时我们谈学习都是旁敲侧击见缝插针,尽量带着好吃好玩。上学期开始抱怨AP 数学老师不好,我们辅导了几次,成绩上去后以为跟上了,就没再盯着。最近家长刚发现这门课有几个小测验都是D的分数,很着急,严肃的和她说了,要补课。她现在要求见counseling therapist,然后埋怨我不给她找 。去年有段时间我担心她情绪不稳,就给她找了网上/电话 counseling. 她勉为其难的试了几次,说不喜欢,要找就找local 的。我看她情绪恢复正常了,就没再继续找local 的。
现在她主动说要马上找 counseling therapist。老公不太支持,觉得美国的这种couseling 只会顺着娃的意思说你已经很努力了之类,对学业反而适得其反。我担心娃的情绪,想再试试看,网上看了local的几家psychologist, counseling therapist ,不是白男,就是年轻白女,也不知道怎么选。娃也不愿意和我们交流。找她谈话,要么不理睬要么嗯嗯嗯。不知道该怎么办。


你太忌讳心理治疗了,你女儿是对的,therapist 赶紧看起来
梅子酸
自己知道要找therapist 很好了,身心健康最重要,其他都放一下吧
b
bellamia
没有经验,但是推荐你做决定之前读一下Bad Therapy,新书,我听完了对青少年的各种therapies有了比较深入的了解
公用马甲25
她平时和朋友家人玩都开心的很。就是一谈学业就要崩溃。也不知道是真的还是manipulate家长。我们管的不多,引导为主,还是小心翼翼的。
j
jackrose
支持找一个。就算医生顺着孩子说,至少孩子有个发泄的地方。青春期是个大坎,如果出事后悔莫及。
推荐找个女医生,白人亚裔我觉得无所谓,孩子们在美国长大,应该是不care白人的。

M
Moscow79
唉,各种抑郁症自杀的小孩,父母的思维模式估计就是你这个pattern
这老公真要不得,安抚一下孩子的心理就会对学业适得其反?什么鬼论调。
p
palapara
我虽然觉得这种therapist没什么大用,但既然孩子要求了,那肯定还是要给找的。
z
zz99
一谈学业就崩 ----这句话适用于大多数家庭吧
这推娃看得累人得很
N
Novsnow
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
孩子主动要求是好事 好的therapist不好约,赶紧约起来 多试几个找到合适的继续下去 心理健康非常重要
飞袖
感觉是学业压力大INDUCED,大学了还得继续,以后估计是做家庭主妇的好苗子, 你得给她弄个职业规划,现在就选个压力最小的工作为目标,以防她以后哭哭啼啼烦你到闭眼的那天。 另外THERAPIST, 娃都要求了,你无路可选。相比以后要求要吃抗焦虑,抗抑郁的药,这都不算什么。赶快找吧。这种娃从小就反而要推推的。要有抗压训练和学习帮助。所有15岁后凸显的问题其实小时候都是有迹可循的。
公用马甲25
自认亲子关系不差。平时交流吃喝玩乐都挺开心的。就是一谈学业就话不投机了。上学愁眉苦脸,放学或周末就活蹦乱跳。
k
kitty2
你娃朋友圈是哪种?是吃喝玩乐那种?高中不能单打独斗,一定得有peer support group,比家长管用太多。
a
airsense
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
感觉就是个混日子的孩子,只能等到她自己醒悟。therapist只会让孩子吃药,最好避免。
b
bluesky2012
孩子对于楼主家的意义就只有学业
t
tmd_life
我家孩子说初中孩子就很多看therapist的了
公用马甲25
娃的朋友圈也是学习一般整天想着玩的。我和老公都很后悔转学到现在的高中,曾想过转去私立。但是娃有了朋友圈,不愿意再换。
H
Happypuppy25
有一种专门看teenager的, 先找吧, 很难约, 也许到见医生之前孩子已经不需要了, 有时孩子就是想要父母重视自己的感觉
s
shoon_yee
jackrose 发表于 2024-04-03 11:02
支持找一个。就算医生顺着孩子说,至少孩子有个发泄的地方。青春期是个大坎,如果出事后悔莫及。
推荐找个女医生,白人亚裔我觉得无所谓,孩子们在美国长大,应该是不care白人的。


我觉得最好找到abc,abk这种父母是移民过来的。
3
3906
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
你一定得孩子退路,不能让她觉得没有退路。我家就是告诉他们CC一直努力也可以很好,大藤躺倒也会完蛋,
你家这个州大对她压力太大了,可以考虑差点的,美国不是有几千个大学吗
飞袖
shoon_yee 发表于 2024-04-03 11:12
我觉得最好找到abc,abk这种父母是移民过来的。

千万别找ABK , ABK 的韩国父母从小生存环境比华人TOXIC 多了,好的ABK 不多。
b
blueskysea
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
这样的青春期女娃应该不少吧!学业压力大想逃避,完美主义看事情悲观,都可以理解。还有生命的意义怎么引导? 坐等高人分享。
公用马甲25
她自己说以后,想先赚足够的钱,然后早早退休,过悠闲的日子。我们就普通家庭,只能支持她学业,不可能养着她赋闲在家一辈子。
L
Lxh
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 10:50
娃16岁。天性敏感,情绪化,动不动就哭,悲观,常说人生没意义,看半杯子水浅。喜欢艺术,仪式感,享受主义,觉得学习枯燥,没意义。学习凑合,以前都是A,没有EC成绩。我们不奢望爬藤,想着州立就行。不敢推学习,怕她承受不了(高中刚开始在tough program, 闹死闹活了一个月,就转学去普通高中了)。想过推一下EC,娃直接说不配和。谈学业前途,娃根本不回话。谈闲话,倒是开心恣意的很。所以平时我们谈学习都是旁敲侧击见缝插针,尽量带着好吃好玩。上学期开始抱怨AP 数学老师不好,我们辅导了几次,成绩上去后以为跟上了,就没再盯着。最近家长刚发现这门课有几个小测验都是D的分数,很着急,严肃的和她说了,要补课。她现在要求见counseling therapist,然后埋怨我不给她找 。去年有段时间我担心她情绪不稳,就给她找了网上/电话 counseling. 她勉为其难的试了几次,说不喜欢,要找就找local 的。我看她情绪恢复正常了,就没再继续找local 的。
现在她主动说要马上找 counseling therapist。老公不太支持,觉得美国的这种couseling 只会顺着娃的意思说你已经很努力了之类,对学业反而适得其反。我担心娃的情绪,想再试试看,网上看了local的几家psychologist, counseling therapist ,不是白男,就是年轻白女,也不知道怎么选。娃也不愿意和我们交流。找她谈话,要么不理睬要么嗯嗯嗯。不知道该怎么办。


孩子自己都觉得要看医生你们居然还有顾虑 学习比孩子的心理健康还重要? 你老公简直没脑子
笔墨砚
楼主,我觉得像你家姑娘的这种情况,就算therapist也未必能解决她的厌学情绪。孩子小的时候有没有ADHD啊?很多女孩子的ADHD就是安静的做白日梦,注意力不能集中,小时候还好,到了高中一下子就跟不上了。考虑一下homeschool或是在线学校吧,实在不行休学一年也可以。条条大路通罗马,咱们又是在美国,总会找到好办法的,孩子的身心健康最重要。
小金猪
”所以平时我们谈学习都是旁敲侧击见缝插针“ "最近家长刚发现这门课有几个小测验都是D的分数,很着急,严肃的和她说了,要补课最近家长刚发现这门课有几个小测验都是D的分数,很着急,严肃的和她说了,要补课"
家长嘴上不说,其实还是想推学习这事儿孩子明白着呢。你们这个态度尤其孩子爸爸这样不会有帮助的。电话咨询效果不好,还是要面对面,如果孩子喜欢就当吐槽都行。咨询师确实参差不齐,我们找到第五个才算稳定下来。另外孩子的社交情况怎么样,这个年纪的女孩朋友圈非常重要
飞袖
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
这样的青春期女娃应该不少吧!学业压力大想逃避,完美主义看事情悲观,都可以理解。还有生命的意义怎么引导? 坐等高人分享。
blueskysea 发表于 2024-04-03 11:14

白女特别多,尤其大学的时候,你去她们家玩,那个MEDICINE 柜子打开来看,基本的都是抗焦虑抗抑郁的药。美国的女娃从小推STEM 推学习的极其罕见,所以上了高中和上了大学以后很多人都觉得压力大。其实初中就开始有,但高中比较明显,大部分人也都是高中开始激化的。因为到高中学习难度突然加大,从来没做好准备的人就吃不消。
l
lanlan_ocean
也许她就是需要另外一个人来听她倾诉,试一个session看看呗
h
hrguoke
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 11:15
她自己说以后,想先赚足够的钱,然后早早退休,过悠闲的日子。我们就普通家庭,只能支持她学业,不可能养着她赋闲在家一辈子。

想法挺好的呀 那你有没有让她展开说说,如何”赚足够的钱“呢?有具体的打算吗?
公用马甲25
回复 17楼 飞袖 的帖子
是的。从小就有苗头,稍微有点困难就退缩。家长不够强硬,一直由着她,没有培养她的抗压能力。现在后悔也来不及了。只希望她能上个不差的大学,有份不差的工作。可她虽然爱混日子,却过惯了好日子,将来哪能安贫度日?
z
zhangxx818
孩子是不是从不做家务?饭来张口,衣来伸手的?
F
Frcssa

Jason Helmes @anymanfitness · Mar 7 Just finished this book - Bad Therapy by @AbigailShrier

This is one of the most eye-opening books I''ve ever read. It''s a must read for any parent, any teacher, and should be required reading for any school administrator as well.
The book dives into trying to figure out why kids are having so many mental health problems, when there are so many resources devoted to improving mental health outcomes.
Anxiety, depression, suicide, etc are all higher than they''ve ever been with kids, even though their lives are arguably better than ever before. It just doesn''t make sense.
A few key takeaways from the book:
A constant attention on how kids are "feeling" or "thinking" is causing negative outcomes.
Constantly ruminating on your emotions and how you feel negatively impacts your mental health. If all you do is focus on your emotions, you are destined to be anxious or depressed.
We incessantly ask kids how they''re feeling, if they''re happy, how their mental health is, etc, and this is creating kids who think they''re fragile instead of resilient.
Trying to solve every problem for kids has caused a generation who can''t do anything for themselves.
We (Gen X) were told to "suck it up" or "you''ll live" or "rub some dirt on it" all the time. Many of us came to the conclusion this is "bad parenting" because our feelings were neglected, and we vowed not to do this to our own children.
Because of that, kids immediately over-dramatize everything that happens to them, making mountains out of molehills, and thinking the world must revolve around their emotions and feelings.
You develop confidence and strong mental health by doing things, not by thinking or via therapy.
You can''t think your way out of anxiety. You don''t gain confidence by analysis of your thoughts or mental health issues. 
You gain confidence and eliminate anxiety by doing gradually more difficult tasks, excelling at them, and realizing you are a competent, capable person. 
The non-stop attention therapy gives to these small, common emotions we all feel blows them out of proportion to their seriousness (not talking about genuine disorders here, just normal anxieties that millions of people go to therapy to try to avoid).
One of the best ways to decrease your happiness is to chase it.
Our society constantly tells kids they should be "happy" and asks them if they are.
Happiness isn''t a state you should be in 24/7. That''s not realistic. Joy and bliss aren''t permanent states - they are fleeting.
Contentment, stillness, and being even-keeled are much better goals to aim for mentally.
The happiest, most well adjusted kids come from families with loving parents that have strict rules for the household.
This one really set off the confirmation bias in me... I feel really blessed we have 2 well adjusted middle school kids who do great in school, are very respectful and well mannered, and we barely even need to parent them.
But for years, we were very strict with them. Bedtimes, family rules, how we do things, etc. The in-laws and lots of friends thought we were totalitarian. 
In reality, we just had high standards. And it''s really paying off right now. I found it really interesting that strict rules equals happy kids. Makes sense, though, as kids need to know what their boundaries are.
Constantly surveying school-age kids about their mental health causes more issues than it solves.
Mental health resources is big money. Districts need to validate all the resources allocated towards mental health, and they often do that via surveys.
Asking kids non-stop questions like:
- Have you thought about self harm? - Have you thought about suicide? - Have you been so anxious you can''t get out of bed?
Etc, etc puts into their heads the idea that themselves, or many of their peers are broken and cannot function properly in the real world.
It normalizes situations that would be incredibly rare at any other time in history. 
There''s a lot of other takeaways, too, but I''ll stop there.
It''s a fantastic book. Go pick it up and read it. This isn''t an affiliate thing or a promotion thing at all. I just really enjoyed it, and it will further shape the way I parent moving forward.
飞袖
回复 17楼 飞袖 的帖子
是的。从小就有苗头,稍微有点困难就退缩。家长不够强硬,一直由着她,没有培养她的抗压能力。现在后悔也来不及了。只希望她能上个不差的大学,有份不差的工作。可她虽然爱混日子,却过惯了好日子,将来哪能安贫度日?
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 11:22

她有个能保自身的工作,然后嫁个好老公就行了,版上有很多来SHOWOFF 的娃妈都过得很好呢, 别太悲观了。懒人有懒福的。关键是你以后要协助她规划好。她小的时候你没意识到,所以没培训她的计划规划好。但现在你还是有充足的时间规划以后的。
今生无悔
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
重视起来。therapiest 需要shop around,先约几个,每个都试试,然后让娃选,直到满意为止。高中娃容易出心理问题,赶紧行动,不然后悔莫及
k
kitty2
你们是大意了,高中课程跳跃性大,有畏难情绪的娃,学业一跟不上, 就得赶紧花钱上tutor,千万别自己教,自己教只适用于自推娃。
i
icedamericano
airsense 发表于 2024-04-03 11:09
回复 1楼 公用马甲25 的帖子
感觉就是个混日子的孩子,只能等到她自己醒悟。therapist只会让孩子吃药,最好避免。

Re,不让看也不行吧,不过我觉得这是manipulate家长,推托学习责任,不认为她看了therapist 会更上进
w
winnieyan
回复 38楼 Frcssa 的帖子
谢谢你的summary,最喜欢的几句话:
You develop confidence and strong mental health by doing things, not by thinking or via therapy.
You can't think your way out of anxiety. You don't gain confidence by analysis of your thoughts or mental health issues. 
You gain confidence and eliminate anxiety by doing gradually more difficult tasks, excelling at them, and realizing you are a competent, capable person. 
a
airsense
Lxh 发表于 2024-04-03 11:15
孩子自己都觉得要看医生你们居然还有顾虑 学习比孩子的心理健康还重要? 你老公简直没脑子

你以为看个therapist就会是好的结果,不要太天真。
飞袖
winnieyan 发表于 2024-04-03 11:32
回复 38楼 Frcssa 的帖子
谢谢你的summary,最喜欢的几句话:
You develop confidence and strong mental health by doing things, not by thinking or via therapy.
You can't think your way out of anxiety. You don't gain confidence by analysis of your thoughts or mental health issues. 
You gain confidence and eliminate anxiety by doing gradually more difficult tasks, excelling at them, and realizing you are a competent, capable person. 

这句话真好,也适合我们大人,哪个人在工作中和生活中不面对困难和挑战啊。
g
gvtt
kitty2 发表于 2024-04-03 11:08
你娃朋友圈是哪种?是吃喝玩乐那种?高中不能单打独斗,一定得有peer support group,比家长管用太多。

+1
k
kitty2
icedamericano 发表于 2024-04-03 11:31
Re,不让看也不行吧,不过我觉得这是manipulate家长,推托学习责任,不认为她看了therapist 会更上进

同感,但是娃要求了,也得看啊,真是个费爹妈的娃
w
wanwanma
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 11:07
自认亲子关系不差。平时交流吃喝玩乐都挺开心的。就是一谈学业就话不投机了。上学愁眉苦脸,放学或周末就活蹦乱跳。

很多高中娃都会这样吧?一下雪,娃就盼着学校停课.....
x
xmiaomiao
lz娃是不是从小娇生惯养啊?娃喜欢作,家里就顺着?说不好听一点,我觉得你家娃是很会操纵父母的。这样的娃我不觉得会伤害自己,只是喜欢对父母用各种手段达到自己的目的。 算是养废了,选个实用的专业以后能养活自己就行。therapist肯定是要看的,至于效果别指望太多,只不过是你娃对现状不满的一个逃避或者说借口吧。
M
Mapleca
当然看了, 有些事情孩子可能更愿意和心理医生说。专业人士还是比我们要强点。 心理医生也会约父母做一些沟通工作的。
我家儿子疫情期间(全部封锁的时候),正好要是刚刚到青春期,在家整天打游戏,还脾气暴躁。和我老公有好几次冲突。 我们就约了心理医生, 想听听有什么办法。 心理医生最担心的是孩子会不会有自杀的倾向。 像我们家的情况她就是做了个听众而已(但也有用啊, 儿子发了好多我们的唠骚,连让他一周刷一次碗都抱怨 :))。 后来学校开了, 孩子回去后脾气就好多了,心理医生主动提出没有必要再继续了。
烟熏三文鱼
Frcssa 发表于 2024-04-03 11:24
Just finished this book - Bad Therapy by @AbigailShrier 
This is one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read. It's a must read for any parent, any teacher, and should be required reading for any school administrator as well.
The book dives into trying to figure out why kids are having so many mental health problems, when there are so many resources devoted to improving mental health outcomes.
Anxiety, depression, suicide, etc are all higher than they've ever been with kids, even though their lives are arguably better than ever before. It just doesn't make sense.
A few key takeaways from the book:
A constant attention on how kids are "feeling" or "thinking" is causing negative outcomes.
Constantly ruminating on your emotions and how you feel negatively impacts your mental health. If all you do is focus on your emotions, you are destined to be anxious or depressed.
We incessantly ask kids how they're feeling, if they're happy, how their mental health is, etc, and this is creating kids who think they're fragile instead of resilient.
Trying to solve every problem for kids has caused a generation who can't do anything for themselves.
We (Gen X) were told to "suck it up" or "you'll live" or "rub some dirt on it" all the time. Many of us came to the conclusion this is "bad parenting" because our feelings were neglected, and we vowed not to do this to our own children.
Because of that, kids immediately over-dramatize everything that happens to them, making mountains out of molehills, and thinking the world must revolve around their emotions and feelings.
You develop confidence and strong mental health by doing things, not by thinking or via therapy.
You can't think your way out of anxiety. You don't gain confidence by analysis of your thoughts or mental health issues. 
You gain confidence and eliminate anxiety by doing gradually more difficult tasks, excelling at them, and realizing you are a competent, capable person. 
The non-stop attention therapy gives to these small, common emotions we all feel blows them out of proportion to their seriousness (not talking about genuine disorders here, just normal anxieties that millions of people go to therapy to try to avoid).
One of the best ways to decrease your happiness is to chase it.
Our society constantly tells kids they should be "happy" and asks them if they are.
Happiness isn't a state you should be in 24/7. That's not realistic. Joy and bliss aren't permanent states - they are fleeting.
Contentment, stillness, and being even-keeled are much better goals to aim for mentally.
The happiest, most well adjusted kids come from families with loving parents that have strict rules for the household.
This one really set off the confirmation bias in me... I feel really blessed we have 2 well adjusted middle school kids who do great in school, are very respectful and well mannered, and we barely even need to parent them.
But for years, we were very strict with them. Bedtimes, family rules, how we do things, etc. The in-laws and lots of friends thought we were totalitarian. 
In reality, we just had high standards. And it's really paying off right now. I found it really interesting that strict rules equals happy kids. Makes sense, though, as kids need to know what their boundaries are.
Constantly surveying school-age kids about their mental health causes more issues than it solves.
Mental health resources is big money. Districts need to validate all the resources allocated towards mental health, and they often do that via surveys.
Asking kids non-stop questions like:
- Have you thought about self harm? - Have you thought about suicide? - Have you been so anxious you can't get out of bed?
Etc, etc puts into their heads the idea that themselves, or many of their peers are broken and cannot function properly in the real world.
It normalizes situations that would be incredibly rare at any other time in history. 
There's a lot of other takeaways, too, but I'll stop there.
It's a fantastic book. Go pick it up and read it. This isn't an affiliate thing or a promotion thing at all. I just really enjoyed it, and it will further shape the way I parent moving forward.

层主自己写的评论吗?写得很好呢。对这本书很有兴趣
w
wielkacytryna
前几天还有人嘲笑我丁克 你看看,这种人都能养孩子。
b
bellamia
wanwanma 发表于 2024-04-03 11:42
很多高中娃都会这样吧?一下雪,娃就盼着学校停课.....

说句实话,美国现在无论是大部分学校还是大部分家庭就是养成这样的孩子的原因
举个例子,刚放完春假,基本大家都出门玩了一周,周一上学,我们一圈妈妈朋友的text group都纷纷说等不及学年结束,ready for summer break。。。我们学校算是比较rigorous的,的确抓的紧,但是刚休息了一周哪至于啊?
F
Fhb
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 11:22
回复 17楼 飞袖 的帖子
是的。从小就有苗头,稍微有点困难就退缩。家长不够强硬,一直由着她,没有培养她的抗压能力。现在后悔也来不及了。只希望她能上个不差的大学,有份不差的工作。可她虽然爱混日子,却过惯了好日子,将来哪能安贫度日?

由于自杀倾向,在医院进行治疗时很多娃,是高敏感娃。 即便不自杀,压力大自残得很多,就是瞒着你们家长都不知道罢了。
高敏娃抗压能力就是天生比普通娃要差,在压力下,大脑分泌的某些化学物质,要比一般娃多很多,所以痛苦情绪会比不敏感的人放大很多倍。 她都那么那么痛苦了,如果苦得想死,你能拿她怎么办? 加上青春期大脑前额叶还没发育好,大脑天然无法自控,无法很容易 calm 下来,容易走极端。 熬过青春期大脑发育吧,以后会好不少。




w
wielkacytryna
airsense 发表于 2024-04-03 11:32
你以为看个therapist就会是好的结果,不要太天真。

我猜你是不是从来没在美国看过心理医生,好的心理医生当然有用啊,你没看过你懂屁啊。
p
pindao
娃都这样了 还在担心学习
d
dngdnhxqs
不懂 先跟老师谈谈 看看老师怎么说啊
h
hualihu
你得找个跟父母三观相合的therapist, 否则还不是被带到沟里去了。 挑一个80年以前出生的, 大陆高考过的。 别找美国的。
我家孩子出事, psychiatrist, 女的, 大陆来的, 很好, 说你家孩子没事, 就是压力大。别太急了, 给两周停药, 一个月不到就放了我们了。
而psychologist 是美国教育出来的abc, 追着天天谈话打听隐私, 我闺女说啥帮助没有, 很浪费时间, 两周后跟这个医生要记录, 然后她没说不给, 只是说以后别看了。最后也没有给记录, 只是发了一条email, 说祝福你家孩子将来是个average人。似乎有了她, 人就能飞了。 美国医疗系统里估计教育出很多垃圾。
对了, 这个psychologist让熟人给写很高的评价。 之所以知道, 因为查一个白女发现跟她熟悉, 原来一个行当的, 不干正事, 用的照片都一样。。 反正是骗子类型的。
找therapist我不懂。但是你进去后未必容易那么出来。 有各种各样的产业。。 挺吓人的。
有全天关的, 有偶然去一次的,有白天去的, 惹急了还有关起来弄死的。 反正怎么走可由不得你。 不容易啊。 只要有一个黑心, 你就找律师折腾吧。
建议回国,回老家看看人们多辛苦。 不行去国内卖货去, 多接触人试试。。
f
frankingcn2
应该去看,我上学时高二下学期也是压力大,我妈带我看了心理医生,一周一次,我感觉有帮助,后面没有吃药,高考也考的不错。
奔跑的你我
Frcssa 发表于 2024-04-03 11:24
Just finished this book - Bad Therapy by @AbigailShrier 
This is one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read. It's a must read for any parent, any teacher, and should be required reading for any school administrator as well.
The book dives into trying to figure out why kids are having so many mental health problems, when there are so many resources devoted to improving mental health outcomes.
Anxiety, depression, suicide, etc are all higher than they've ever been with kids, even though their lives are arguably better than ever before. It just doesn't make sense.
A few key takeaways from the book:
A constant attention on how kids are "feeling" or "thinking" is causing negative outcomes.
Constantly ruminating on your emotions and how you feel negatively impacts your mental health. If all you do is focus on your emotions, you are destined to be anxious or depressed.
We incessantly ask kids how they're feeling, if they're happy, how their mental health is, etc, and this is creating kids who think they're fragile instead of resilient.
Trying to solve every problem for kids has caused a generation who can't do anything for themselves.
We (Gen X) were told to "suck it up" or "you'll live" or "rub some dirt on it" all the time. Many of us came to the conclusion this is "bad parenting" because our feelings were neglected, and we vowed not to do this to our own children.
Because of that, kids immediately over-dramatize everything that happens to them, making mountains out of molehills, and thinking the world must revolve around their emotions and feelings.
You develop confidence and strong mental health by doing things, not by thinking or via therapy.
You can't think your way out of anxiety. You don't gain confidence by analysis of your thoughts or mental health issues. 
You gain confidence and eliminate anxiety by doing gradually more difficult tasks, excelling at them, and realizing you are a competent, capable person. 
The non-stop attention therapy gives to these small, common emotions we all feel blows them out of proportion to their seriousness (not talking about genuine disorders here, just normal anxieties that millions of people go to therapy to try to avoid).
One of the best ways to decrease your happiness is to chase it.
Our society constantly tells kids they should be "happy" and asks them if they are.
Happiness isn't a state you should be in 24/7. That's not realistic. Joy and bliss aren't permanent states - they are fleeting.
Contentment, stillness, and being even-keeled are much better goals to aim for mentally.
The happiest, most well adjusted kids come from families with loving parents that have strict rules for the household.
This one really set off the confirmation bias in me... I feel really blessed we have 2 well adjusted middle school kids who do great in school, are very respectful and well mannered, and we barely even need to parent them.
But for years, we were very strict with them. Bedtimes, family rules, how we do things, etc. The in-laws and lots of friends thought we were totalitarian. 
In reality, we just had high standards. And it's really paying off right now. I found it really interesting that strict rules equals happy kids. Makes sense, though, as kids need to know what their boundaries are.
Constantly surveying school-age kids about their mental health causes more issues than it solves.
Mental health resources is big money. Districts need to validate all the resources allocated towards mental health, and they often do that via surveys.
Asking kids non-stop questions like:
- Have you thought about self harm? - Have you thought about suicide? - Have you been so anxious you can't get out of bed?
Etc, etc puts into their heads the idea that themselves, or many of their peers are broken and cannot function properly in the real world.
It normalizes situations that would be incredibly rare at any other time in history. 
There's a lot of other takeaways, too, but I'll stop there.
It's a fantastic book. Go pick it up and read it. This isn't an affiliate thing or a promotion thing at all. I just really enjoyed it, and it will further shape the way I parent moving forward.

Thanks for sharing.
这些道理我们能听懂,可是说给孩子听,估计也是对牛弹琴
d
dngdnhxqs
高中到底压力多大啊 🥲🥲
公用马甲25
刚刚约了一个年轻白女therapist, MS 毕业后8年经验,145$ 1小时自付。说client 基本都是teen girl, 先试试。同时继续约别的psychologist 看看。
w
wenya
LZ, 高中娃看therapist的很多,对孩子学习压力大的很有帮助
a
airsense
回复 55楼 wielkacytryna 的帖子
你懂你个猪头,傻叉
水上漂
该看就看,你不能无视她的需求,但是为了让她学习,好吃好玩的供着,倒是大可不必,她会感受到你们对她的学习成绩有很大的期望,有压力,怕让你们失望,就不敢学了。
F
Frcssa
回复 51楼 烟熏三文鱼 的帖子



By Jason Helmes @anymanfitness · Mar 7 Just finished this book - Bad Therapy by @AbigailShrier
奔跑的你我
hualihu 发表于 2024-04-03 12:06
你得找个跟父母三观相合的therapist, 否则还不是被带到沟里去了。 挑一个80年以前出生的, 大陆高考过的。 别找美国的。
我家孩子出事, psychiatrist, 女的, 大陆来的, 很好, 说你家孩子没事, 就是压力大。别太急了, 给两周停药, 一个月不到就放了我们了。
而psychologist 是美国教育出来的abc, 追着天天谈话打听隐私, 我闺女说啥帮助没有, 很浪费时间, 两周后跟这个医生要记录, 然后她没说不给, 只是说以后别看了。最后也没有给记录, 只是发了一条email, 说祝福你家孩子将来是个average人。似乎有了她, 人就能飞了。 美国医疗系统里估计教育出很多垃圾。
对了, 这个psychologist让熟人给写很高的评价。 之所以知道, 因为查一个白女发现跟她熟悉, 原来一个行当的, 不干正事, 用的照片都一样。。 反正是骗子类型的。
找therapist我不懂。但是你进去后未必容易那么出来。 有各种各样的产业。。 挺吓人的。
有全天关的, 有偶然去一次的,有白天去的, 惹急了还有关起来弄死的。 反正怎么走可由不得你。 不容易啊。 只要有一个黑心, 你就找律师折腾吧。
建议回国,回老家看看人们多辛苦。 不行去国内卖货去, 多接触人试试。。

这个找therapist不是自愿的吗? 除非最后有自杀倾向,必须住院吧
飞袖
奔跑的你我 发表于 2024-04-03 12:12
这个找therapist不是自愿的吗? 除非最后有自杀倾向,必须住院吧

看来你不知道他家的故事。
奔跑的你我
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 10:50
娃16岁。天性敏感,情绪化,动不动就哭,悲观,常说人生没意义,看半杯子水浅。喜欢艺术,仪式感,享受主义,觉得学习枯燥,没意义。学习凑合,以前都是A,没有EC成绩。我们不奢望爬藤,想着州立就行。不敢推学习,怕她承受不了(高中刚开始在tough program, 闹死闹活了一个月,就转学去普通高中了)。想过推一下EC,娃直接说不配和。谈学业前途,娃根本不回话。谈闲话,倒是开心恣意的很。所以平时我们谈学习都是旁敲侧击见缝插针,尽量带着好吃好玩。上学期开始抱怨AP 数学老师不好,我们辅导了几次,成绩上去后以为跟上了,就没再盯着。最近家长刚发现这门课有几个小测验都是D的分数,很着急,严肃的和她说了,要补课。她现在要求见counseling therapist,然后埋怨我不给她找 。去年有段时间我担心她情绪不稳,就给她找了网上/电话 counseling. 她勉为其难的试了几次,说不喜欢,要找就找local 的。我看她情绪恢复正常了,就没再继续找local 的。
现在她主动说要马上找 counseling therapist。老公不太支持,觉得美国的这种couseling 只会顺着娃的意思说你已经很努力了之类,对学业反而适得其反。我担心娃的情绪,想再试试看,网上看了local的几家psychologist, counseling therapist ,不是白男,就是年轻白女,也不知道怎么选。娃也不愿意和我们交流。找她谈话,要么不理睬要么嗯嗯嗯。不知道该怎么办。


我是觉得孩子既然有要求了,就找一个和孩子聊聊,有可能很有帮助的。
B
Brandypurple
我们学区前两年自杀了几个华人学生了,都是很优秀的孩子,心理健康真的要重视。不光只是跟医生谈话,需要全面改善,包括运动,打工,劳动,家庭环境。你家这个像是惯出来的,不爱学习的话扔出去干点儿体力劳动。实在不行就只好你们俩多攒钱供她一辈子了。
飞袖
Brandypurple 发表于 2024-04-03 12:19
我们学区前两年自杀了几个华人学生了,都是很优秀的孩子,心理健康真的要重视。不光只是跟医生谈话,需要全面改善,包括运动,打工,劳动,家庭环境。你家这个像是惯出来的,不爱学习的话扔出去干点儿体力劳动。实在不行就只好你们俩多攒钱供她一辈子了。

你住在那个铁轨在学校边上的学区?传说中的自杀比逛街还容易的地方?
y
ylan03
孩子说找,是好事,就怕她说不找,不愿意求助。你老公多看看书和网上资源吧,还在担心学业,唉,无语。
s
springwaterhot
美国女娃的drama特别多,风气就这样。楼主还不如留心一下她的朋友圈。 另外,白男白女黑男黑女性发育远早于黄人少男少女,而且性交年龄偏早,并且流行说黄段子。 楼主还是定期多让娃混一下华人少男少女的圈子,至少性发育比较同步,抱团以后,外界压力会小一些。不要老是学习学习,少男少女们需求是多方面的
I
Idle
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 11:11
娃的朋友圈也是学习一般整天想着玩的。我和老公都很后悔转学到现在的高中,曾想过转去私立。但是娃有了朋友圈,不愿意再换。

我不明白了,16岁是sophomore吧,数学已经上到AP 了,这还是普通高中不爱学习的娃?我们本地最卷的高中最advanced 的数学track 也就是11年级上AP calculus. (这里指按学校提供的Curriculum一年一年上,不包括少数牛娃跳级的情况).
K
KOH
她也许不是真的需要,也许就是不爱学习,但是作为家长你最好不要赌这个,小心将来会后悔
公用马甲25
每次听到有娃自杀,我就害怕她会不会情绪失控。一直好吃好玩的供着,度假,周末出游,下馆子,各种接送活动和聚会,想着她能感受到父母的爱和生活的美好,理解父母的苦衷和过上好生活所需要付出的努力。
I
Icd
找啊。娃主动求救还犹豫什么。
飞袖
我不明白了,16岁是sophomore吧,数学已经上到AP 了,这还是普通高中不爱学习的娃?我们本地最卷的高中最advanced 的数学track 也就是11年级上AP calculus. (这里指按学校提供的Curriculum一年一年上,不包括少数牛娃跳级的情况).
Idle 发表于 2024-04-03 12:22

楼主说了是想让娃上好的学校和好的专业,这样可以满足娃的对舒适享乐生活的需求,所以我让她调整期望值和培训目标,不要上了大学和工作以后还天天哭哭啼啼的烦她。
奔跑的你我
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 12:26
每次听到有娃自杀,我就害怕她会不会情绪失控。一直好吃好玩的供着,度假,周末出游,下馆子,各种接送活动和聚会,想着她能感受到父母的爱和生活的美好,理解父母的苦衷和过上好生活所需要付出的努力。

理解,做家长的也真是不容易。
孩子不感激大人的付出真是太难了
扶苏
你们有点太宠了。估计从小宠到大吧。温室花朵,无病呻吟。遇到青春期,正好是一个人建立自己identity的时候,更加的敏感,没安全感,浑身不舒服。
我会建议家长自己先看看心理书,上网看看不同的意见。你们对待孩子的态度会影响孩子内心有多脆弱。
如果我是你们,首先,关注孩子平时是否有尽到自己的责任。比如自己的房间自己整理,帮助家长搞好卫生。从这种小事慢慢转移孩子所有精力都关注在自己身上。
家长也要改变高度关注孩子的习惯。所有聚光灯都在孩子身上,孩子只会对自己内心的各种起伏越来越敏感。
其次,鼓励孩子探索自己,多看书,多上youtube看不同意见。增强孩子的视野。跟孩子约定,她先自我探索一段时间,先搞清楚她需要什么样的帮助,哪种风格的therapist适合她。她是否有open mind,是否能接受不同意见。然后再讨论找therapist。
扶苏
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 12:26
每次听到有娃自杀,我就害怕她会不会情绪失控。一直好吃好玩的供着,度假,周末出游,下馆子,各种接送活动和聚会,想着她能感受到父母的爱和生活的美好,理解父母的苦衷和过上好生活所需要付出的努力。

恕我直言,越是这样的孩子越脆弱。
烟熏三文鱼
Frcssa 发表于 2024-04-03 12:11
回复 51楼 烟熏三文鱼 的帖子



By Jason Helmes @anymanfitness · Mar 7 Just finished this book - Bad Therapy by @AbigailShrier

谢谢分享!
w
winnieyan
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 12:26
每次听到有娃自杀,我就害怕她会不会情绪失控。一直好吃好玩的供着,度假,周末出游,下馆子,各种接送活动和聚会,想着她能感受到父母的爱和生活的美好,理解父母的苦衷和过上好生活所需要付出的努力。

我觉得你可能把劲使反了,应该让她去subway打打工,或去food bank做义工,她会更懂得生活的意义。
K
KOH
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 12:26
每次听到有娃自杀,我就害怕她会不会情绪失控。一直好吃好玩的供着,度假,周末出游,下馆子,各种接送活动和聚会,想着她能感受到父母的爱和生活的美好,理解父母的苦衷和过上好生活所需要付出的努力。

“理解父母的苦衷和过上好生活所需要付出的努力”,感觉这个是天生的。 从我家两个孩子来看,感觉更sensitive的那个会关心别人,也更emotional。 感情上迟钝点的那个,相对来说不怎么理解别人,但是更皮实不容易有问题。
v
vwot
w
winnieyan
奔跑的你我 发表于 2024-04-03 12:29
理解,做家长的也真是不容易。
孩子不感激大人的付出真是太难了

一直好吃好玩的供着,不会让孩子感激,因为得来的太容易了。
t
taojunmm
女生teenager这种情况很普遍。我听我们学校女生家长说,看心理医生吃抗焦虑药的女生有一些的。我们还是不怎么卷的小私校。男生相对少一点,我儿子说他没听说哪个男生有这方面问题,多数孩子如果考得不好,学业压力大,郁闷一会儿也就忘了。反正已经发生了,爱咋咋的。 有个朋友东欧裔,女儿去年刚上大学,上了一个中上的学校,专业什么都挺好,大二就拿到实习机会了。她说女儿高中阶段也是蛮作的,抱怨多,情绪不稳,压力大…她的方法就是1.请tutor;2.放低预期;3.过正常日子。孩子一直是学习做事挺认真的娃,本质上对学业、专业、未来工作都没啥热情,但也知道作为成年人的责任,这些事情都要认认真真做。她跟妈妈说,要是有机会躺平,当然是啥都不干舒舒服服最好。但现实不是这样,那就老老实实干活呗。 我觉得大多数人就是这样的普通人。楼主的女儿也就是这样的普通女生,有属于自己的迷茫纠结和力不从心。很正常。你们要做的是怎样尽量支持她,帮她度过这段时间。不要听那些动不动就说养废了的说辞。
飞袖
女生teenager这种情况很普遍。我听我们学校女生家长说,看心理医生吃抗焦虑药的女生有一些的。我们还是不怎么卷的小私校。男生相对少一点,我儿子说他没听说哪个男生有这方面问题,多数孩子如果考得不好,学业压力大,郁闷一会儿也就忘了。反正已经发生了,爱咋咋的。 有个朋友东欧裔,女儿去年刚上大学,上了一个中上的学校,专业什么都挺好,大二就拿到实习机会了。她说女儿高中阶段也是蛮作的,抱怨多,情绪不稳,压力大…她的方法就是1.请tutor;2.放低预期;3.过正常日子。孩子一直是学习做事挺认真的娃,本质上对学业、专业、未来工作都没啥热情,但也知道作为成年人的责任,这些事情都要认认真真做。她跟妈妈说,要是有机会躺平,当然是啥都不干舒舒服服最好。但现实不是这样,那就老老实实干活呗。 我觉得大多数人就是这样的普通人。楼主的女儿也就是这样的普通女生,有属于自己的迷茫纠结和力不从心。很正常。你们要做的是怎样尽量支持她,帮她度过这段时间。不要听那些动不动就说养废了的说辞。
taojunmm 发表于 2024-04-03 12:36

就是啊,一个AP 拿D 觉得PRESSURE 大了怎么能算养废掉了。。。。。。只能算是养娃过程中对这个娃的性格缺点带来的麻烦的准备工作的预估不足。 另外多养两个娃还能发现每个娃给你带来的头疼的事不一样呢。 真的是,养娃真的是很烦,自讨的麻烦。各种稀奇古怪的麻烦。养一个基因全方位点中彩票的娃应该是爽死了。
巧克力泡芙
Frcssa 发表于 2024-04-03 11:24

Jason Helmes @anymanfitness · Mar 7 Just finished this book - Bad Therapy by @AbigailShrier

This is one of the most eye-opening books I''ve ever read. It''s a must read for any parent, any teacher, and should be required reading for any school administrator as well.
The book dives into trying to figure out why kids are having so many mental health problems, when there are so many resources devoted to improving mental health outcomes.
Anxiety, depression, suicide, etc are all higher than they''ve ever been with kids, even though their lives are arguably better than ever before. It just doesn''t make sense.
A few key takeaways from the book:
A constant attention on how kids are "feeling" or "thinking" is causing negative outcomes.
Constantly ruminating on your emotions and how you feel negatively impacts your mental health. If all you do is focus on your emotions, you are destined to be anxious or depressed.
We incessantly ask kids how they''re feeling, if they''re happy, how their mental health is, etc, and this is creating kids who think they''re fragile instead of resilient.
Trying to solve every problem for kids has caused a generation who can''t do anything for themselves.
We (Gen X) were told to "suck it up" or "you''ll live" or "rub some dirt on it" all the time. Many of us came to the conclusion this is "bad parenting" because our feelings were neglected, and we vowed not to do this to our own children.
Because of that, kids immediately over-dramatize everything that happens to them, making mountains out of molehills, and thinking the world must revolve around their emotions and feelings.
You develop confidence and strong mental health by doing things, not by thinking or via therapy.
You can''t think your way out of anxiety. You don''t gain confidence by analysis of your thoughts or mental health issues. 
You gain confidence and eliminate anxiety by doing gradually more difficult tasks, excelling at them, and realizing you are a competent, capable person. 
The non-stop attention therapy gives to these small, common emotions we all feel blows them out of proportion to their seriousness (not talking about genuine disorders here, just normal anxieties that millions of people go to therapy to try to avoid).
One of the best ways to decrease your happiness is to chase it.
Our society constantly tells kids they should be "happy" and asks them if they are.
Happiness isn''t a state you should be in 24/7. That''s not realistic. Joy and bliss aren''t permanent states - they are fleeting.
Contentment, stillness, and being even-keeled are much better goals to aim for mentally.
The happiest, most well adjusted kids come from families with loving parents that have strict rules for the household.
This one really set off the confirmation bias in me... I feel really blessed we have 2 well adjusted middle school kids who do great in school, are very respectful and well mannered, and we barely even need to parent them.
But for years, we were very strict with them. Bedtimes, family rules, how we do things, etc. The in-laws and lots of friends thought we were totalitarian. 
In reality, we just had high standards. And it''s really paying off right now. I found it really interesting that strict rules equals happy kids. Makes sense, though, as kids need to know what their boundaries are.
Constantly surveying school-age kids about their mental health causes more issues than it solves.
Mental health resources is big money. Districts need to validate all the resources allocated towards mental health, and they often do that via surveys.
Asking kids non-stop questions like:
- Have you thought about self harm? - Have you thought about suicide? - Have you been so anxious you can''t get out of bed?
Etc, etc puts into their heads the idea that themselves, or many of their peers are broken and cannot function properly in the real world.
It normalizes situations that would be incredibly rare at any other time in history. 
There''s a lot of other takeaways, too, but I''ll stop there.
It''s a fantastic book. Go pick it up and read it. This isn''t an affiliate thing or a promotion thing at all. I just really enjoyed it, and it will further shape the way I parent moving forward.

Wow 活雷锋!
G
Giovanna
作为一个青春期情绪波动到抑郁,差点把高考搞砸的家长,我非常理解孩子的心情,也非常理解父母的为难。
一方面,孩子处在这个时期有很多困惑和情绪找不到出口。大人告诉她要怎么做,如何自我调节和自我解脱,是毫无用处的。那些情绪我绝对不会跟父母说,虽然我和父母关系一直很亲密也完全信任他们,但是有关self esteem的事情,父母这个立场本身就全盘invalidate所有他们所说的话。父母自带滤镜,当然看我什么都好,当然要说些鼓励和支持的话。而且很多情绪就是莫名其妙的出现和消退,没有合理的解释,谁都帮不上忙。另一方面,作为父母,我非常清楚therapist的利弊。我在本科修过很多门心理学课程,读过很多不同门派的心理学英文教材,在美国自己也找过therapist(十年前,近几年不了解),可以说绝大部分水平堪忧。我相信有非常优秀的therapist,但鉴别好坏需要本人要有一定的水平,就像找健身coach和trainer一样,不是新手小白一上来就能捡到宝的。对于从来没接触过心理学的人,第一次见therapist会觉得哇塞太厉害了,有种醍醐灌顶的感觉,但其实他们说的大部分理论和实践方法我都已经门儿清,没什么价值。这还不是最坏的情况。假如trainer水平不行,用他错误的理论指导实践,代价是你身体会受伤,伤害是显性的,疗愈之后不再找他就是了。psychotherapist假如信奉错误的观念,这种影响家长无法及时察觉,会给孩子带来不可逆转的伤害,甚至引上歧途不归路。学业压力这个困扰我从来没有,counseling是否有用我不敢说。如果孩子和家长都对压力和anxiety毫无经验,找个专业人士也许是个选择。但同时,不要放弃学习。现在的资源那么多,没什么难的,看下cognitive behavioral therapy应该是最快入门的。
目前的困境,楼主可以试一试找个孩子和家长都trust的人,让孩子跟ta聊聊。孩子找therapist,最大的作用其实是被倾听,被理解,被认同;至于是否能解决眼下她的问题,那是secondary。所以聊的时候,重要的是给予理解和情绪上的肯定,千万不要说教。对父母而言,最大的难点就是这里,你很难眼睁睁的看着她的错误想法而不跳出来指责和纠正。更何况,我自己有很多很多亲身经验想分享,想迫不及待的告诉孩子,这个问题真的有solution,你妈我十年前已经摸索出来了。但这样做,后果就是孩子会把你屏蔽,不再敞开心扉。既然倾诉对象不是父母,那么这个人选,家长要对ta的人品有充分了解,又不是老古董,孩子能relate,甚至比较崇拜。比如邻居亲戚家的大学生,大哥哥大姐姐之类。我一直在留心培养这样的support system。比如我身边有个发小目前也住得很近,她就是那种年轻的时候玩的很疯,但又没出格不做任何过分的事那种,目前生活稳定家庭靠谱。跟她在一起就是fun,我两个女儿(preteen)跟她都很亲,和她一起玩是跟我们不一样的体验,还可以在无关痛痒的问题上break the rule。我们说好了以后要是青春期女儿跟我们吵架,可以去她家“离家出走”,有个缓冲。我家孩子的姑姑也经常带她们去好吃的好玩的,每次姑姑来她俩都非常期待。感情培养起来,将来也许会有用处。同样的话,父母说出来,孩子会反感自动屏蔽,但是如果是她信任很亲近的人说,也许会停下来想一想。我们在美国做父母,最忌讳就是孤立无援,想靠一己之力去对抗大环境。你必须要对主流的那一套说辞well versed,同时建立有一个小圈子,大家的想法和理念都差不多,才能产生影响力。确实很难,这也是为什么要参与孩子的朋友圈,了解朋友的家庭背景和家长的价值观,多参与集体活动,而不是在家关起门来各推各的娃。
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lovejames
孩子显然不喜欢严肃学科的学习 别推了 赶紧找心理医生 轻松的上一个适合她水平程度的学校吧。
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kitty2
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 12:26
每次听到有娃自杀,我就害怕她会不会情绪失控。一直好吃好玩的供着,度假,周末出游,下馆子,各种接送活动和聚会,想着她能感受到父母的爱和生活的美好,理解父母的苦衷和过上好生活所需要付出的努力。

可以借着聚会给她找上进点的朋友,我娃的朋友, 就是对方家长主动找过来的。
飞袖
可以借着聚会给她找上进点的朋友,我娃的朋友, 就是对方家长主动找过来的。
kitty2 发表于 2024-04-03 12:49

小学阶段家长介入很容易,上了初中和高中就知道了,上进的娃家里或者自己给自己安排的活动也多,如果孩子之间没内在BONDING ,要维持朋友圈关系是很难的。我同意大家说的,上了初中和高中,那个PEER SUPPORT 很重要。圈子不好的话娃也是一熊熊一窝的。
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taojunmm
kitty2 发表于 2024-04-03 12:49
可以借着聚会给她找上进点的朋友,我娃的朋友, 就是对方家长主动找过来的。

就楼主女儿的情况,难道不是应该找快乐、阳光、热心、有感染力的朋友吗?
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kitty2
taojunmm 发表于 2024-04-03 12:55
就楼主女儿的情况,难道不是应该找快乐、阳光、热心、有感染力的朋友吗?

上进的都是这种啊
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3906
公用马甲25 发表于 2024-04-03 11:15
她自己说以后,想先赚足够的钱,然后早早退休,过悠闲的日子。我们就普通家庭,只能支持她学业,不可能养着她赋闲在家一辈子。

人家自己赚要退休可以啊,应该鼓励。我们不是也是proud of早躺平吗
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Icd
如果娃能像外人倒苦水,缓解心理压力有什么不好?家长让娃上好学校,考好大学的目的是什么?不就希望娃今后的生活越来越好吗?但是现在孩子有压力,不能得到家人的支持,不能得到专业人士的排解指导,对以后的生活有什么好处呢?
公用马甲25
在外人眼里,她看着比较成熟懂事。她的朋友圈以亚裔为主。她和同学朋友相处友好,但和我说很少有交心的朋友,觉得妈妈是最好的朋友。我鼓励她多交朋友,她觉得很多人没个性boring。她把自己的房间收拾的漂亮,安排家里过节时的装饰庆祝事宜,出行时行李箱收拾整齐。喜欢读atomic habit, 有时一个人出门跑步画画,出去度假喜欢去旅馆健身房(平时健身不多),喜欢和父母一起参加热闹的公司聚会。喜欢钱,但花自己的钱很小气。说以后要找个有钱的男朋友 (我一直教育赚钱要靠自己,不要靠别人)。我觉得她很分裂。