华人网上的回复已经比较全面了。我观察到的普通美国人（准确地说是说英语的互联网用户，包括英国人等）一样有类似困扰。 有人在Reddit上发帖，后来又把内容删了。Men that have become room-mates with your S/O over time, why and what happened? https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipsOver35/comments/n2jrr3/men_that_have_become_roommates_with_your_so_over/ 后面的跟帖回复还在，基本反映了常识。 这个是女人抱怨男人的： Talking to your partner like she's a child doesn't make her desire sex; it makes her feel angry. Treating your partner like she's your maid doesn't get her in the mood; it makes her feel unappreciated and frustrated. Using your partner as your life manager doesn't make her feel sexy; it makes her look down on you. Leaving your partner to handle all the child care doesn't make her feel like a sexual goddess; it makes her feel exhausted and alone. Treating your partner like she's your mother doesn't turn her on; it makes her see you as an adolescent, and that sure as shit isn't sexy. Objectifying your partner and treating her like a blow-up doll to satisfy your needs doesn't make her feel desired; it makes her feel used and like you don't care about her needs or feelings. 有人附和： This exactly. My stbx became a shitty roommate when he stopped being an active participant in our marriage, leaving all the hard work and heavy lifting to me. 另一个附和： I blew up at my guy and his daughter while on vacation back in 2019. Neither one of them is a good planner or good under any level of stress so they tend to over-react to the point where things can get embarrassing. The moment in question was when we were looking for the bus loop to go back to our hotel and we were looking at the area map. It was truly no big deal, maybe a 5 minute walk in either direction. They both just kept saying "Where do we go?!?! Which way?? Is it this way??" I had already told them both to stop and think before putting all the pressure on me several times that trip but this was later at night and they had no control anymore. "I have already told you that I don't appreciate you two just turning off your brains and putting me in charge! I don't mind being the planner, but that does NOT mean that you don't have to put forth ANY effort! Neither one of you is useless so stop proving that wrong!" I was highly disgusted with my guy that night. Him acting like his 11-year-old daughter was not sexy or appealing.
男方的观点和经历： From a female perspective: the decline was evident and was little tiny problems that snowballed. She wasn''t interested in watching my tv shows, so she watched her stuff on her computer while I watched mine in the living room. Then if she asked "do you want to watch xyz together," if I wasn''t available within a week, she''d watch it without me. Finally, if we watched something together, if I shared a single negative comment about it, she''d gripe that it wasn''t worth the hassle and she wished we hadn''t spent the time together. So I stopped watching tv/movies with her. I would plan date nights, because we both had busy schedules. She thought planning ruined spontaneity, and it destroyed her desirability for me ("calendaring sex isn''t sexy") so she would not write down our dates. She then double-booked herself, and stood me up. So I stopped planning dates. She nourished outside interests and hobbies (a good thing) and invited me to come watch her play in her band. I did occasionally but her shows were expensive and she couldn''t/wouldn''t get me a free ticket. She then started saying the nights out at her gigs where I watched her perform for 3 hours counted as "quality time." I''d disagree (and still do...), we would fight, I''d go less and less (due to resentment and the expense) and she started planning more and more rehearsals and gigs till she stayed out 6 nights out of the week. I built up my own schedule with things to do and we stopped supporting the other''s interests. Related to that, she''d stay out till 3 and sleep on the couch after to not wake me up. She''d get up for work and not wake me. So I''d see her 30 minutes a day. She''d cook for herself and complain if I cooked for "us" if she didn''t like the dish. I was mad she never cooked for me, and she never invited me to dinner with her band ("because we just spontaneously decided to go to dinner before practice, Avocator, and I know you have to plan your life to the minute to be happy.") Resentment grew. And how do you sleep with someone if they aren''t around?! She was resentful of me as well. She was so angry at me all the time and would yell if I brought up our issues. I tried techniques my therapist suggested and she''d get so angry that I "just wanted to talk about how she was the asshole" that I stopped sharing anything with her. We tried one exercise of explaining our feelings, I said I felt unheard, and she got up and left the house without a word... I realized it was over when I had good news and she wasn''t in the top 10 people I told. When you stop spending time together, when you stop sleeping together, and ESPECIALLY when you let resentment fester, the relationship is basically gonna end. She was dumfounded when I dumped her. I''m still surprised she didn''t see it coming. 另一个亲身经历： I''m going through this right now. Together for almost 12 years, living together for 11. Somewhere along the way I realized she was never the one to initiate sex or if she did, it was always "Hey, it''s been a while, huh? Do you want to have sex?" Treats it like a chore, which is kind of a huge turn off for me, e.g. "Ok, I''m going to run to the store, take the dog to get his nails clipped, and then when I get back we can have sex before my show later." Swears up and down she likes sex, is attracted to me. Seems to enjoy it in the moment...but just has zero interest in it for long periods of time. I can''t tell if she has become this way over the last 12 years or if the increased frequency earlier on was being driven by me. Room mates is a great description! We get along great, enjoy doing things together, are in alignment for most of the important things in life...except for libido. I''ve brought it up multiple times over the years, it always ends in tears, swearing it will be different and maybe it is for a week or so but then reverts right back. It''s always an excuse and whenever that excuse is no longer relevant, it''s a new excuse. She seems perfectly happy and doesn''t see anything wrong with the situation, thinks I''m being mean when I bring it up. But it''s slowly killing me and I honestly don''t know what to do.
有人考证人就是喜欢见异思迁，印杜甫诗一首： 绝代有佳人，幽居在空谷。 自云良家女，零落依草木。 关中昔丧乱，兄弟遭杀戮。 官高何足论，不得收骨肉。 世情恶衰歇，万事随转烛。 夫婿轻薄儿，新人美如玉。 合昏尚知时，鸳鸯不独宿。 但见新人笑，那闻旧人哭。 在山泉水清，出山泉水浊。 侍婢卖珠回，牵萝补茅屋。 摘花不插发，采柏动盈掬。 天寒翠袖薄，日暮倚修竹。 I’m curious about the men who knowingly marry women with low libidos and then wonder why this happens... so many men seem to choose to commit to these women over women who enjoy sex more. I’ve seen a lot of men with dead bedrooms confess their wife was never that into sex. Yet they chose to marry her... Meanwhile, other women who like sex seem to repel committed relationships. It’s like these men interpret “disinterest in sex” as “partner material”. Of course I once read an article noting women’s libidos drop considerably after the first few years with a partner, but spike again with a new man. This phenomenon was lessened when the woman never lived with the man. As long as she never moved in with him, her libido would stay pretty steady. The implications...lol. That article is missing what most people don''t understand about libido, although low and high libido is a thing. It''s not her libido that dropped considerably after the first few years with a partner. It''s her interest level in her partner that dropped so of course she doesn''t want to sleep with someone she can''t stand anymore regardless of whether she''s high or low libido. That''s why she doesn''t want to sleep with them anymore but will sleep with a new person who she has high interest in. That is until the new person lowers her interest too. And it''s lessened when they never lived together because space is actually healthy for the relationship and necessary for her interest level to remain high. Plus their partner''s annoying habits and mistakes are less frequent when they aren''t around each other as much. I think the majority of cases of low libido are actually cases of low interest level. And they''ll continue the cycle with every new high libido woman unless they understand how to keep her interest level high over the long haul, which most people don''t understand. That''s also why people tend to marry supposedly low libido people like in your first paragraph - because they weren''t low libido initially during the start of the dating phase when their interest was high.
可以抱怨，但别想太多，否则会后悔的
为啥不离？
你太幽默了
Open marriage 就算了。 华人能open marriage, 然后坚持不离的少见。
他就不喜欢玩。 对什么都不感兴趣。 只喜欢宅在家。
是不太在乎钱。 就是在考虑分居
肯定抑郁了……这问题只能本人解决。离吧
他就是胖了。
有可能。 他找了个形婚
有可能
没准就是，问一下，反正准备离了。open marriage 可行啊
为啥大家建议 open marriage, 在华人里， 能接受 open marriage的没听过
华人信息都保密着，你也不知道，不过特殊情况特殊对待，你们这种是有理的，可行性需要两人都同意
谁赚钱多？ 离婚与否 生活有区别？
还是这个mm说的好！
男的一般会同意吧，放他出去还不开心死了。问题是放出去了，还能不能回得来就难说了。而且男的出去浪肯定是要花钱的，吃饭，礼物都是小钱，就怕遇到厉害的，把魂给勾走了，钱也挪走了就惨了
都是说说而已吧，人没了钱肯定也没了。小三可不是活雷锋，不图钱难道图你老图你胖图你不洗澡？
你这个过去了，我怎么听着觉得像是那个过去了
小三都是活雷锋，白白伺候她家大爷，钱还归大房，人图啥呢？再说要真有小三了，大房估计要急火攻心了
严重的情况另说，不过我没有这类体会。
我和校花的作息时间也不完全相同，会稍有影响。我和校花都有可能偶尔打呼噜，是我家小娃揭发的。但我就是喜欢一起睡，感受对方的体温和肌肤，有安全感才睡得好。
妹子可爱直爽
换做是我这样一定不会开心。丈夫丈夫，一丈之内真为夫。 他去做丈外的大丈夫又跟我何干
人生就那么短何苦呢。
对对对，人生苦短 。。。
我也很喜欢这样。到现在都喜欢。还老拉着老公一起。就是苦于第二天要早起没办法经常实践😓
其实刚看完帖子我还想劝楼主和老公一起边看电影边吃东西。我觉得又有情调又浪漫。。。 老两口等孩子睡下后，一起磕着瓜子，啃个辣鸡爪，喝点小酒。一起看个电影聊聊天，不是挺好的吗？
如果不运动
这不肥胖死了?
很多女人也是可悲!!
哎
还好，我不是很爱胖的体质。
言之有理！人都是在不断权衡中不断妥协。。
那你们怎么处理作息时间的不同呢？
这种矛盾不容易处理呢
一年有几天可以这样有情调，但是时间长了，作息不同是不行的。
我觉得一起睡对感情好有帮助，不是有句话说：床头吵架床尾合吗，还是有道理的。
谢谢！
是列了， 他不能提供我想得到的居多。
自己先想好一些规范，哪些可以做哪些不可以做。然后就直接谈呗。我是觉得开放婚姻是很麻烦的事，不值得搞。
双双都把事情搬到床上做，腿靠在一起腻歪的同时各做各的事。也包括睡觉。
去年开始选择了分居到今年完成了离婚，看到楼主我非常感慨。我还没有完全走出来主要就是不习惯和感觉对不起娃，能做的就是慢慢习惯和尽量对娃好和物质上的支持吧。
安慰下mm, 请问你家娃多大啊？其实很多夫妻暂时不离婚都是为了孩子
刚6岁，娃和爹亲所以娃爹带着，因为我工作太忙了。
是男娃吗？哎，六岁太小了
都挺好为啥爱情就没了？
这位MM勇气可嘉。 我觉得有了孩子以后， 有勇气离婚的人很少。
大多数人都是温水煮青蛙，即使不合适，也过一天算一天。 离开才需要很大的勇气。周围人出于各种原因，都劝不要离。 只有自己知道合不合适。
这。。。。 操作起来也太不方便了
是个男娃。我基本算紧身出户，不为别的，就为了自己心里好过点。
楼主和老公好好谈一谈，当然还是能不离就不离。到了非离不可的时候也有和平和撕逼的区别。我只能说我的结局还不是最差的那种。
爱情本来就不是为了方便啊。
要方便的话去厕所。
哈哈哈
这冷笑话
非常同意这个，夫妻还是应该睡一起，不仅仅是因为XXOO，肌肤的简单接触也对促进和维系感情是非常重要的。如果长期分房睡，积累到一定量。感情肯定就淡了。同床共枕是有道理的。
这个需要有前提的，前提是现在夫妻还想接触
你的这个话也没什么错，但你说的这个是婚姻已经出问题了之后。打个比方，你不能等到身体出问题了才开始想起锻炼的重要性，那已经有些晚了。我相信楼主夫妻既然当初走进了婚姻，那当初也应该满足想接触的这个前提的。
……
有人在Reddit上发帖，后来又把内容删了。Men that have become room-mates with your S/O over time, why and what happened? https://www.reddit.com/r/RelationshipsOver35/comments/n2jrr3/men_that_have_become_roommates_with_your_so_over/
后面的跟帖回复还在，基本反映了常识。
这个是女人抱怨男人的：
Talking to your partner like she's a child doesn't make her desire sex; it makes her feel angry. Treating your partner like she's your maid doesn't get her in the mood; it makes her feel unappreciated and frustrated. Using your partner as your life manager doesn't make her feel sexy; it makes her look down on you. Leaving your partner to handle all the child care doesn't make her feel like a sexual goddess; it makes her feel exhausted and alone. Treating your partner like she's your mother doesn't turn her on; it makes her see you as an adolescent, and that sure as shit isn't sexy. Objectifying your partner and treating her like a blow-up doll to satisfy your needs doesn't make her feel desired; it makes her feel used and like you don't care about her needs or feelings.
有人附和： This exactly. My stbx became a shitty roommate when he stopped being an active participant in our marriage, leaving all the hard work and heavy lifting to me.
另一个附和： I blew up at my guy and his daughter while on vacation back in 2019. Neither one of them is a good planner or good under any level of stress so they tend to over-react to the point where things can get embarrassing. The moment in question was when we were looking for the bus loop to go back to our hotel and we were looking at the area map. It was truly no big deal, maybe a 5 minute walk in either direction. They both just kept saying "Where do we go?!?! Which way?? Is it this way??" I had already told them both to stop and think before putting all the pressure on me several times that trip but this was later at night and they had no control anymore. "I have already told you that I don't appreciate you two just turning off your brains and putting me in charge! I don't mind being the planner, but that does NOT mean that you don't have to put forth ANY effort! Neither one of you is useless so stop proving that wrong!" I was highly disgusted with my guy that night. Him acting like his 11-year-old daughter was not sexy or appealing.
From a female perspective: the decline was evident and was little tiny problems that snowballed. She wasn''t interested in watching my tv shows, so she watched her stuff on her computer while I watched mine in the living room. Then if she asked "do you want to watch xyz together," if I wasn''t available within a week, she''d watch it without me. Finally, if we watched something together, if I shared a single negative comment about it, she''d gripe that it wasn''t worth the hassle and she wished we hadn''t spent the time together. So I stopped watching tv/movies with her. I would plan date nights, because we both had busy schedules. She thought planning ruined spontaneity, and it destroyed her desirability for me ("calendaring sex isn''t sexy") so she would not write down our dates. She then double-booked herself, and stood me up. So I stopped planning dates. She nourished outside interests and hobbies (a good thing) and invited me to come watch her play in her band. I did occasionally but her shows were expensive and she couldn''t/wouldn''t get me a free ticket. She then started saying the nights out at her gigs where I watched her perform for 3 hours counted as "quality time." I''d disagree (and still do...), we would fight, I''d go less and less (due to resentment and the expense) and she started planning more and more rehearsals and gigs till she stayed out 6 nights out of the week. I built up my own schedule with things to do and we stopped supporting the other''s interests. Related to that, she''d stay out till 3 and sleep on the couch after to not wake me up. She''d get up for work and not wake me. So I''d see her 30 minutes a day. She''d cook for herself and complain if I cooked for "us" if she didn''t like the dish. I was mad she never cooked for me, and she never invited me to dinner with her band ("because we just spontaneously decided to go to dinner before practice, Avocator, and I know you have to plan your life to the minute to be happy.") Resentment grew. And how do you sleep with someone if they aren''t around?! She was resentful of me as well. She was so angry at me all the time and would yell if I brought up our issues. I tried techniques my therapist suggested and she''d get so angry that I "just wanted to talk about how she was the asshole" that I stopped sharing anything with her. We tried one exercise of explaining our feelings, I said I felt unheard, and she got up and left the house without a word... I realized it was over when I had good news and she wasn''t in the top 10 people I told. When you stop spending time together, when you stop sleeping together, and ESPECIALLY when you let resentment fester, the relationship is basically gonna end. She was dumfounded when I dumped her. I''m still surprised she didn''t see it coming.
另一个亲身经历： I''m going through this right now. Together for almost 12 years, living together for 11. Somewhere along the way I realized she was never the one to initiate sex or if she did, it was always "Hey, it''s been a while, huh? Do you want to have sex?" Treats it like a chore, which is kind of a huge turn off for me, e.g. "Ok, I''m going to run to the store, take the dog to get his nails clipped, and then when I get back we can have sex before my show later." Swears up and down she likes sex, is attracted to me. Seems to enjoy it in the moment...but just has zero interest in it for long periods of time. I can''t tell if she has become this way over the last 12 years or if the increased frequency earlier on was being driven by me. Room mates is a great description! We get along great, enjoy doing things together, are in alignment for most of the important things in life...except for libido. I''ve brought it up multiple times over the years, it always ends in tears, swearing it will be different and maybe it is for a week or so but then reverts right back. It''s always an excuse and whenever that excuse is no longer relevant, it''s a new excuse. She seems perfectly happy and doesn''t see anything wrong with the situation, thinks I''m being mean when I bring it up. But it''s slowly killing me and I honestly don''t know what to do.
绝代有佳人，幽居在空谷。 自云良家女，零落依草木。 关中昔丧乱，兄弟遭杀戮。 官高何足论，不得收骨肉。 世情恶衰歇，万事随转烛。 夫婿轻薄儿，新人美如玉。 合昏尚知时，鸳鸯不独宿。 但见新人笑，那闻旧人哭。 在山泉水清，出山泉水浊。 侍婢卖珠回，牵萝补茅屋。 摘花不插发，采柏动盈掬。 天寒翠袖薄，日暮倚修竹。
I’m curious about the men who knowingly marry women with low libidos and then wonder why this happens... so many men seem to choose to commit to these women over women who enjoy sex more. I’ve seen a lot of men with dead bedrooms confess their wife was never that into sex. Yet they chose to marry her... Meanwhile, other women who like sex seem to repel committed relationships. It’s like these men interpret “disinterest in sex” as “partner material”. Of course I once read an article noting women’s libidos drop considerably after the first few years with a partner, but spike again with a new man. This phenomenon was lessened when the woman never lived with the man. As long as she never moved in with him, her libido would stay pretty steady. The implications...lol.
That article is missing what most people don''t understand about libido, although low and high libido is a thing. It''s not her libido that dropped considerably after the first few years with a partner. It''s her interest level in her partner that dropped so of course she doesn''t want to sleep with someone she can''t stand anymore regardless of whether she''s high or low libido. That''s why she doesn''t want to sleep with them anymore but will sleep with a new person who she has high interest in. That is until the new person lowers her interest too. And it''s lessened when they never lived together because space is actually healthy for the relationship and necessary for her interest level to remain high. Plus their partner''s annoying habits and mistakes are less frequent when they aren''t around each other as much. I think the majority of cases of low libido are actually cases of low interest level. And they''ll continue the cycle with every new high libido woman unless they understand how to keep her interest level high over the long haul, which most people don''t understand. That''s also why people tend to marry supposedly low libido people like in your first paragraph - because they weren''t low libido initially during the start of the dating phase when their interest was high.
或者说，混淆了爱情 vs 性，love vs lust。
或者说，这些婚姻可能始于性，而不是始于爱情。
和你的观点一致！现在这社会，遇到性一点都不稀奇，遇到愿意相互扶持操心对方日常生活的男人比较不容易，等老了就知道这种男人的好处了，前提是他愿意和楼主这样白头到老。