献丑发个悬疑短篇- 狂欢夜之后的早晨

温室小玛茄
楼主 (北美华人网)
昨晚一时无聊,随便写了个开放性结局的英文悬疑小短篇练练笔。灵感来源于以前去新奥尔良的时候进了一个差不多荒废了的地方,本来进去里面黑乎乎有些害怕,然后一眼发现了其他“ 同好” 估计前一晚在里面爬梯完,在石头上留了不少啤酒瓶子 还有Mardi Gras 的珠子。当场把我乐笑了😂。 凭着灵感写一气写完的,可能有不少grammar错误,随便看看就好😂,欢迎讨论结局帮我改改语法。。

温室小玛茄
轻拍🙏 嘿嘿谢谢鼓励有点信心不删啦
It was a bright and sunny morning. She woke up feeling groggy, with a nasty headache from the night before. The sun has started to peak through the thin white curtains and fill the room with a warm and yellow glow.
She groaned and covered her face with a pillow. She dearly loves a sunny day. But that morning arrived much too soon. She’s still hungover from last night. Her head was spinning like a carousel.
She felt an instant and intense need to be comforted. She reached over to his side of the bed, but only felt the touch of the cold linen. He wasn’t in bed with her. But he always gets up before she does. Nothing seemed out of place.  She wallowed in bed and refused to leave the warmth of her cocoon. She thought of his soft lips, almond- shaped eyes and broad chest. She wished she could rewind and have last night start all over again. It’s the only night of the year that they can be wild and free in the spirit of Mardi Gras.
This year, they got all dressed up and attended the parades first. Then they snuck into the abandoned fort that was built in the 1800s. They drank, laughed and danced all night long. 
She was hesitant at first but gave into his persistence. The place was creepy as hell at night. But they needed this night to be extra special to rekindle their romance. They had not been intimate ever since he caught her cheating.
The night was alive. Too bad it was a little bit too short. She probably drank too much. Her memory of the night was rather hazy. Everything was a blur. She couldn’t even remember how they managed to get home.
All she could remember was that he called her sweetheart and gave her a kiss when they finally settled into bed. He said he would wake her up the next morning with a surprise.
So she waited. She was waiting for the aroma of fresh coffee and sizzling pancakes to permeate the house. He loves to surprise her with breakfast in bed. 
She waited patiently. She waited and waited some more. She fell back to sleep and woke up again. Her tummy rumbled. She was hungry. 
But he did not come. He didn’t walk into the room with a carefully prepared breakfast tray as she wished. And the house was awfully quiet. It was so quiet that she can hear the mewling of her stomach.
“ Honey, are you there?” She asked, finally rolling out of bed. She got changed into a casual blue dress and dragged her hair up into a messy bun.
But there was no response.
“ Honey?” She raised her voice a little as she closed the bedroom door behind her.
Still, she heard nothing. Not a single sound.
She walked into the living room. The first thing she noticed was a huge pile of letters, tossed into a white garbage bag. It looked like whoever was doing this left in a hurry so the bag was left out in the open.
His phone was placed right next to their Mardi Gras beads, lying on the coffee table. His keys were hanging from a hook on the wall. She gazed out the window and saw both of their cars parked in the driveway.
A chill went up her spine. She drew a deep breath and looked through the rest of the house. His wedding band was abandoned on the top of the wooden console table – the same table that was a wedding gift from his parents.
She felt her heart sink a little and went into the small room off the hall- his home office. She had a faint hope that maybe he just went for a walk around the block and would return at any moment. They would ended up laughing about it together.
However, she soon discovered that her pink Glock was gone. It was carefully hidden behind a fabric cover on the bottom right of the bookcase.
Oh lord, she thought. Her face was deathly pale.
Instantly, she grabbed her phone and dialed his number. But the call went straight to voicemail. She would keep trying but she just couldn’t reach him.
She frantically grabbed her keys and rushed towards the door. But then, she paused. 
Her eyes widened with fear. She saw a couple red drops splattered onto the beige floor tiles. 
She stood there feeling sick. Her gut twisted.
温室小玛茄
这么安静,锅盖我都准备好了。。 来个BGM
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羞羞草
别删啊,留个记录多好啊,以后你要是成大师了,还有迹可循。另外,做自己喜欢的事挺好的,别人凭什么拍你啊!
温室小玛茄
回复 4楼羞羞草的帖子
谢谢鼓励😂 我就是有些杯弓蛇影 😉
didadididadi
写得不错,层层展开,心理描写挺细腻。
对于末尾的处理,个人觉得这不算开放结尾,是没有写完。
愿楼主写字不辍,能经常来这里发表最好啦。
温室小玛茄
回复 6楼didadididadi的帖子
谢谢!❤️ 😂 被拆穿了。以后有空的话再引申一下,发展成中篇 。
huashan2018
我很喜欢你的遣词用句,想在谋篇布局上提点看法。
首先是氛围营造,从开篇看是略带温馨的氛围,这与悬疑剧不符合。就算开篇略温馨,但中间应该转折下来,以营造一种与平日不一样的感觉。如果开篇阳光是温暖的,到中段之后,也许应该加入,"阳光逐渐躲进云层里"或者“突然发现镜子里折射出来的阳光显得晦暗和扭曲”之类的句子,把氛围变过来。虽然客观环境是不以人的意志为转移的,但对客观环境的观察其实是人类心境的变相反映。所以多数悬疑片,都会要在营造氛围上下功夫。
另外道具的使用,例如那个Mardi Gras,既然这么显眼地提到了,下面一定要安排这个道具的使用。一定要有别出心裁的用途。
还有就是,提前过多描述男朋友的外貌,以及感情线,会显得啰嗦,这不是指这些描述没有用,而是指开篇应该及时抓住读者的注意力,这些描述如果不是必要的,可以在后面再安排,上面最后一句guts twisted那个场景,在必要的交代之后,就应该早点出场。。
随便乱说两句,见笑
温室小玛茄
回复 8楼huashan2018的帖子
谢谢建议!回去我再好好修改一下。当初就是想着写个小短篇,所以埋线索氛围转折啥的肯能比较突兀一些。 😂
handan11
谢谢露珠!赞悬疑。想起一部歌剧Bluebeard's Castle,蓝胡子的凶杀城堡,那狠人杀了七个妻子。
温室小玛茄
回复 10楼handan11的帖子
谢谢哈哈
温室小玛茄

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