我刚才写的英文小故事，请多指教！

A night,at a wharf an old man and a young man was walking across on boats.Then a loud deep roar that is very rarely heard in that area and is not commonly known what creature makes wafted to them from a coast corner,maybe in the water and made by some fish,they didn't know.
So the old man said:''Even ghost is roaring up.''
The young man laughed.

One night,at a wharf, an old man and a young man were walking across on boats.Suddenly a loud deep roar wafted to them from a coast corner, maybe from the water. It is very rarely heard in that area, and it is not clear what kind of creature makes such sound. Maybe by some fish? They didn't know. So the old man said:''Even ghost is roaring up.'' The young man laughed. 我感觉你第2句话太长。定语从句夹在中间使得整个故事性变弱。我英文也很差，阅读更是少的可怜。不过感觉讲故事的话，应该尽量短句。或者中间有些逗号啥的来分隔。

语法不对、时态不对，整个句子太啰嗦与语义重复。

建议先多读英文小说。老实说，这个写作水平只在小学三，四年级阶段。

一个没有语法错误的句子都写不了还是先用中文写故事吧。写得好有人免费帮你翻译。