你怎么知道这母亲平日里不天天念叨说自己怎么含辛茹苦地把他带大、又省吃俭用地替他缴学费呢?孩子顶她不是因为她随随便便说了这么一句话,根儿不在这。当妈的自己好好反省吧。顶讨厌做父母的有事没事总觉得孩子欠自己的,觉得把孩子养大自己有多了不起。这孩子有句话没说错,是父母决定要把孩子带到这个世界来的,义务旁贷养孩子到18岁。至于18岁之后,自己要掂量,也要和孩子商量各自的责任。Stupid parents will do everything for their children just for the children to appreciate them and brag about the "greatness" of parenthood.
He never had that opportunity to develope that reflex
of longing for your love.
When he was growing up, you satisfied his every need with mateiral things. So the relationship is
him <--> material <--> you. He was happy with the material you provided then, and happy with the material he obtained by himself now.
Is it fair to say that material thing substituted your love then, and he doesn't have much room in his heart for your love now?
Give him a call every three or four weeks, during the time you think he is not busy. Do not talk about money. Do not talk about things. Talk about what you did recently that made you happy. Ask about events happening in his life. Show that you are happy because he is happy. Mail him a package once in a while with things that are symbolic of your love (hand-made or small items of art work he can place in his home.)
Your sense of loss and disappointment is understandable
His emotional attachment is more to material things, less to you.
He may be a person who has little need for emotional connections. Emotion is a double-edged sword; more of it is not necessarily a good thing. He is doing well for himself now, so see your loss as a price paid if that makes you feel better.
If his bad attitude is only toward you, that's a character issue.
Hope that when he has child of his own, he will change.
You've given him all your love the way you knew how (even though you'd change a few things,) you've done your job. It's time to shift your focus to your own life and make it better. That means to be responsible for your own happiness and stop placing that burden on him. He is clear to you that he does not want that burden. Freedom needs your willingness to carry that burden, otherwise, you are enslaving yourself to an ideal that cannot be attained in reality.
你有钱人家有钱,怎么人家就不求控制孩子要孩子报答呢?你如果抱着给孩子出钱就要有话语权的心态,还不如当初不给。
你怎么知道这母亲平日里不天天念叨说自己怎么含辛茹苦地把他带大、又省吃俭用地替他缴学费呢?孩子顶她不是因为她随随便便说了这么一句话,根儿不在这。当妈的自己好好反省吧。顶讨厌做父母的有事没事总觉得孩子欠自己的,觉得把孩子养大自己有多了不起。这孩子有句话没说错,是父母决定要把孩子带到这个世界来的,义务旁贷养孩子到18岁。至于18岁之后,自己要掂量,也要和孩子商量各自的责任。Stupid parents will do everything for their children just for the children to appreciate them and brag about the "greatness" of parenthood.
of longing for your love.
When he was growing up, you satisfied his every need with mateiral things. So the relationship is
him <--> material <--> you. He was happy with the material you provided then, and happy with the material he obtained by himself now.
Is it fair to say that material thing substituted your love then, and he doesn't have much room in his heart for your love now?
Give him a call every three or four weeks, during the time you think he is not busy. Do not talk about money. Do not talk about things. Talk about what you did recently that made you happy. Ask about events happening in his life. Show that you are happy because he is happy. Mail him a package once in a while with things that are symbolic of your love (hand-made or small items of art work he can place in his home.)
Trust the power of mother's love.
非常有正义感,黑白分明,嘴里还经常叨叨叨说个不停。对孩子很好,心软,喜欢把这些好不停的挂嘴边上叨叨。我猜的对吗?这些都是养孩子的大忌。
对儿子太心疼太宠了,一切得来太容易,就不知感恩了,尤其他知道你所有的一切都会是他的,还要靠他收尸,不像老美,舍得住上等的养老院,遗产也不一定都会给后代,所以也不敢乱来。从现在起,你就当没养这个ta,不要再给任何钱,ta不主动找你,不要去找ta。你越找,ta越看轻你,越觉得你有求于ta,也就越没地位。收拾好自己的心情,养两条小狗,小狗养上两年会比养儿女还亲近还安慰。你自己过得开开心心,对ta不闻不问时,ta会好奇主动粘上你的,如果你对ta还抱有希望。
他刚开始热恋,老妈在儿子心里的位置不会变的,过几年热乎劲一过,老妈还是老妈
他工资那么高没有对父母表示还要给予是被惯坏的
不再给任何经济上的支持,他愿意来看看就看看,自己找点儿自己喜欢的事情做,但愿有孩子后能明白父母的不容易。真的是小时候照顾的太好了。
反正我不会干这事。读研究生,博士都有奖学金,professional degree都可以贷款,如果是其他master可以工作了再读。很多大公司都有这种program可以帮助员工接受更多教育。
让孩子高兴一下有什么?小事你不肯体贴他,钱倒是舍得给。可以孩子对钱比较无感。倒是对父母能记得自己爱吃什么这种小事记忆比较深。
我觉得你控制欲过强,所以孩子和你不亲。英文有一个专用的词control freak,也有不少文章讲怎么避免做一个control freak。
看起来你是觉得自己对就一定要别人也觉得你对的那种人,对人可以很好,但别人必须认可你,你要是不认可别人,就非要和别人争一通到别人不说话了或者退让了为止。当你不认可你的孩子的时候,也用这种方式和他相处,他会觉得你在逐渐控制他。一旦有了这种感觉,一个成熟的人就会和你保持距离。作为你,就感觉孩子和你不亲。
你要想和他有亲情,得让他觉得你没有想控制他。想让他觉得你没有想控制他,就不要做一个control freak。
如果你改变不了自己的控制欲,看到他做得让你不满意的地方就要去改变他,那么他就会尽最大可能远离你,也就是没有亲情。
我觉得你可以搜索一下关于control freak的书,一定要看英文的,因为中国家长普遍对孩子都是control freak,看看怎么改变自己。
全力而为可最后女儿在母亲得绝症最需要她是离家,孩子心理有问题不是一时可以解决的,你自己还是多保重。
我家孩子,有次我老公在家门口掉了口袋里的钱(不知道怎么丢的)。大概cash一百,也不是多少钱。我老公回去唠叨了两句。我家儿子直接掏出口袋里的钱说,我挣了60,给你吧。儿子才13岁,辅导小朋友义务学习,小朋友家长过意不去硬给的。
关键是从小,从小就要让他看到父母的辛苦和不容易,也要教育他做家务,承担责任,慢慢长大了心里才有这个家。穷家养娇儿最可怕。有责任心的孩子不是一天养成的,不体贴父母的孩子也不是一天养成的。
你现在可以做的是1.不唠叨他。给他的钱就当泼出去的水,别想了;2,发展一下爱好和朋友,别成天惦记儿子来看你了。他年轻,有自己的生活,让他去吧。3;态度上nice,钱上不要再给了。
要是我直接删除,视而不见不就完了?钱在你手里,他硬拿的去吗?
人怎么活着看自己。你看得出来,就是为了孩子牺牲一切的那种。儿子想出国就出国,老公也不要了。你咋想的?我跟我家三娃都说了,你们长大了都要出门,将来自己会成家,只有你爸对我是最重要的。有人说你儿子没爹在身边有缺失,你难道就没有?你老公就没有?反正我是不赞成这个的。我觉得一家人在一起最重要。
现在你儿子都三十了,离家十几年,和老公为啥不团聚?你生活的重心为啥还是儿子?你不缺钱,又空巢,还能更快乐吗?今天和女朋友去喝茶,明天和女朋友去吃饭,今天打高尔夫,明天去游泳,养个狗种点花。你老公那要不团聚要不分手吧,人不能一辈子都不为自己活吧。你天天找你儿子要亲情,说实话我觉得是你自己活得太boring。我建议你好好反省一下自己,你又没到需要人照顾的地步,天天惦记着你儿子干啥?年轻时候没穿的衣服买起来,没戴的首饰戴起来,想去做而没有时间没有钱去做的事情做起来,没儿子你的人生就没意义了么?你把自己的喜怒哀乐都寄托在你儿子身上,对他对你自己都是很重的负担。
His emotional attachment is more to material things, less to you.
He may be a person who has little need for emotional connections. Emotion is a double-edged sword; more of it is not necessarily a good thing. He is doing well for himself now, so see your loss as a price paid if that makes you feel better.
If his bad attitude is only toward you, that's a character issue.
Hope that when he has child of his own, he will change.
You've given him all your love the way you knew how (even though you'd change a few things,) you've done your job. It's time to shift your focus to your own life and make it better. That means to be responsible for your own happiness and stop placing that burden on him. He is clear to you that he does not want that burden. Freedom needs your willingness to carry that burden, otherwise, you are enslaving yourself to an ideal that cannot be attained in reality.
已经表达过了,他不来就算了。和朋友一起过不行啊?去教会可以吧。去旅行可以吧。可以做的事太多了。
这样的说话方式一定是小的时候没有好好纠正,孩子认为这样对父母说话是可以的被允许的,时间长了就成习惯了。可能平时的叨叨让他烦,在他心里你是没有威严的,可以被随意对待。现在大了不好管了,只能是期望他有孩子,能醒悟自己纠正,但也不一定。所以照顾好你自己,别把期望都放他身上,给自己找乐子。
一个人不能讨好别人到低三下四的地步,包括自己小孩。你不会开心的,从此以后,就想自己,不要想他,他看不起你,无论你给他多少钱,在你老弱之后他都不会帮你。
这不见得完全是你的教育问题,有的人就是天性薄凉。一家出来的兄弟,一个温厚,一个冷酷,也是常见的。
好好规划自己的晚年,不靠他,在美国是完全可以做到的。不再给他任何钱,也许他还会反省和成长。他一切take for granted 当然是你惯的。
他已然是成年人了,把他当个成年人,随他去吧,爱回来不回来,这就是缘分,爱谁谁。
再弄下去要抑郁了。很多性格都是天生的,父母的教育只能修修枝,主干往什么地方长你控制不了。听起来他是一个很会审时度势的人,应该挺聪明的,反面就是比较会算计。
先照顾好自己吧,别想着买房什么的,他照顾自己照顾的挺好的,比你会享受。
另外几个帖子都是围绕一次钓鱼的。
从这几个帖子里一起感觉她控制欲比较强,倒不是光这一次。
孩子肯定是话赶话说成这样的,为什么不敢这么说,她的孩子小时候是不敢,现在大了啊。
我是说这种没有亲情的关系的形成,一般和父母的控制欲有关。
如果你以前没有管过他,一般而言不至于这一次谈到要存钱就爆发的啊,尤其听你说他平时行为举止挺有教养的。平时吵架吗?还是仅此一次?
如果仅此一次,你们之间也可能是因为价值观不同所以亲情淡漠,这种的话,你要是想改变,价值观要像他靠拢才行。
你说的很对.他在国内玩得最好的同学是贪官的孩子.花钱没概念.还告诉我贪官告诉孩子养他一辈子.
想想如果是这世界上不认识的两个人,价值观又不同,还想做好朋友的话,一定是谁最希望和对方做朋友,谁先去努力改变自己。
孩子其实也一样,你把他当成另一个人,陌生人,想想怎么交往。是还想好好来往?那就先自己改变。是不想来往了?那就不来往。
没有亲情就没有交流。
楼主大概在家都是一副强硬态度,我对就是我对:我认为organic没用,你就不能吃,我认为我应该付你全部学费,你就得收着…
翻看了一下你以前的15岁男孩钓鱼事件,可见你眼里没有灰色地带。