英文小小说初尝试《笼中鸟》

张铁锅
楼主 (文学城)

最近在泡书坛,看到至少两个牛人用英语写文,信手拈来(猜猜我指谁:),这是我一直向往的境界,但是前路依然漫漫,我试着用英文写过小说,那叫一个搜刮肚肠啊,哈哈。

去年我在网上找了个创意写作(Creative Writing)课,没上完,就又换回中文写小说了。第一个作业是从下面的词中选6个以上的词,运用到一个虚构的故事情节了,而且是每隔一个句子,我绞尽脑汁,勉强把它们凑成一篇,还看错了一个词——aboard看成abroad:

trick, memory, aboard, tiger, pretend, carrot, appliance, cage, rings, crow, filthy, explode

来献个丑:

A Caged Bird

Lu had always craved owning a LV purse, but can only imagine what it feels like to actually carry it as a temporary receptionist in a small nonprofit organization.

“All crows are black.” An ancient Chinese proverb repeated by her mom for years after her dad cheated and left them. They had a mired life ever since, and Lu did not have the money nor time to have a post-secondary education. She hated that filthy bastard whom she called “Dad” whenever money was tight, which was often.

Paul, a once successful entrepreneur and now a philanthropist to several causes from abroad, took interest in her organization. She was appointed to be his guide in touring the organization as they thought she had a warming smile. He took her out for a fancy 9-course dinner and where she had the most delicious carrot cake she has ever had in her entire life. Not soon after that, she had received the very first Louis Vutton purse that she had been craving for in her 34-year-old life. However, to everyone’s surprise, she returned the purse to the generous philanthropist and pretended she was not interested in such a gift because she is sure Paul had done this with many other women in his romantic ventures, why would she be any different? Soon, more gifts flew her way: a Rolex watch, a Harry Winston necklace, a high-end downtown apartment lease and so on. The only downside is that Paul cannot be here all the time because…he is already someone’s husband.

“You live like a bird locked in a cage.” Her mom said.

“A luxury one, though.” She said back.

 

笼中鸟

璐总渴望有一个LV包,可惜作为一个小型非营利机构的临时前台,她也只能在脑中幻想着自己背着它的样子。

“天下老鸹一般黑。”在爸爸出轨并且抛弃了她们之后,妈总时不时重复着这句中国古代的谚语。

自那以后,母女俩就过着贫苦拮据的生活,璐没有钱也没有闲去完成大学教育。每当她捉襟见肘的时候,她就痛恨起那个被她叫作“爸”的混蛋,这样的时刻常常都会有。

最近,一位给几个海外不同的慈善活动捐过善款大慈善家对她所在的机构感兴趣起来。他叫保罗,曾是位非常成功的生意人。她被派去给他做向导,介绍一下机构里的一些大致情况,因为领导觉得她有一个令人暖心的微笑。事毕,他邀请她去吃了一顿九道菜的晚餐,上甜点时,她吃到了这辈子吃到过的最美味的胡萝卜蛋糕。不久,她便收到了她三十四年的生命里的第一个LV包。然而,令所有人大跌眼镜的是,她把这个包退还给那个慷慨的慈善家,装出一副队这类礼物毫不动心的样子,因为她相信保罗的生命里一定出现过不少这样被他打动的女人。如果她收了,那么她又怎能从那些女人中脱颖而出呢?很快,更多的礼物鱼贯而入:一只劳力士手表,一条哈利温斯顿的项链,还有市中心租金付清的高档公寓等等。唯一的不足之处就是,保罗并不能总是陪伴在她左右,因为…他早已是别人的丈夫。

“你现在完全是一只被锁在笼子里的鸟。”她母亲说。

“一只奢华的鸟。”她满不在乎。

 

后记:

此前,我对英文小说创作的概念,还是看严歌苓的文章学来的(她是哥伦比亚大学创意写作系的硕士),她的文里介绍英文小说要多用动词,少用副词,尽量用短句子。我个人觉得在中文小说中也一样适用。

写完这个小短篇后,我的感想就是小说创作,不论哪种语言,即便要选用最简洁的词汇,也是要在储备了大量的阅读和词汇的基础上,淡定地删繁就简,腹有诗书气自闲!

 

尘凡无忧
赞。认真读了,我是外行,只感觉你的表达很地道,没有中文思维的痕迹。。。
尘凡无忧
铁锅说的两位是颤音和7妹吧。:)其实坛子里的高妹也非常厉害,她英文写作出身,已经出了好几本英文科幻小说了。。。
张铁锅
谢谢忧忧!我可是把能搜罗上的词都搜罗上了:)
张铁锅
是的,是颤音和7妹,哈哈。刚刚看你这么一说,我翻了一下大家的评论,才对上号高妹是谁

刚刚边开大会边偷偷股沟,高妹是个正儿八经的美女双语作家啊,佩服!看到她的一段访谈:“All of my main characters, including the villains, are parts of me." 非常认同。

尘凡无忧
嗯,高妹有很多高妙的写作理论,并且慷慨分享。。。。反正我是偷偷跟着记笔记。:)
n
nearby
Wow, well written.
张铁锅
我看了个访谈,确实很棒,很多也很有共鸣呢!书坛藏龙卧虎!
张铁锅
3Q邻兄:)
平等性
好才气,给新朋友点个赞!
k
kirn
铁锅美眉这次跨度宽。。还有啥好牌子,都快晒上来:)
张铁锅
谢谢平等:)
张铁锅
多谢小K捧场!
C
CBA7
很好的尝试,英文字数约280字,少于500字,属于微型小说(micro-fiction)。多看多写,就会写得越来越好。
C
CBA7
我10年前写过好几篇短篇英文小说, 字数在一千多字到一万多字不等,每篇都反复修改了十几遍,还请美国朋友们帮忙看过。
C
CBA7
建议金妹可以请加拿大的朋友们帮忙看看稿,他们可以帮你在语法和用词方面把把关。7妹的意见仅供你参考。
张铁锅
谢谢7妹鼓励!对,一定得多看多读,广泛涉猎。我一动笔就感觉出来肚子里储备实在太少,跟一开始用中文写小说一样
张铁锅
真正爱写的人还真不怕改啊指正啊啥的,多少遍都不腻 - 当然,得指正在点上。想起在哪里看到托尼莫里森当年就是参加了

什么写作的workshop,就是大家回去写,然后在workshop上把自己的故事大声读出来,让众人品评。

张铁锅
好建议!我打算先大量储备着(翻译成中文也是一个逼迫自己多多阅读原文的好方法:),等我准备好了,也参加一个workshop

让本地人给我提意见,改语法,换成地道的说法

C
CBA7
你也可以同时写诗歌,我博客里的诗歌放在 “诗的浪漫”,中英文的都有,包括诗评《我读忒绿论诗的诗》,建议你看一下这篇诗评。
C
CBA7
金妹,我给你发了悄悄话,请查看。
张铁锅
收到收到!7妹太暖心了!