在英文版中，一组"offer"的排比有着诗人内敛的奔放浪漫热情自豪与敏感，而最终以"can give"收尾时将表达出一种期待。你在翻译这两个词语上都是用的，"给你"则没有将这两个词语的区别表达出来。"give"一般期望对方的接受，而"offer"的东西则是可以被接受与拒绝的。譬如，"Jesus did not give us salvation but he offered it to us"。
"can give"更有一种小心翼翼与询问的感觉。
你的译文里这几个词语也让我思考着，也许你有自己的考量，但似乎不是很准确，Traffic 一般指的交通或车流，你译文中用"贩卖"，似乎把它看成了"traffick"。Marble 是大理石，应该是指的墓碑。最后一句的现在进行时"I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat."，在译文中以现在时态表达出来，让诗歌显得平淡了，而其中的某种极为微妙的intimacy在消逝。
我也试图翻译了一版，也不怎么满意。譬如这两句我感觉不容易，除了理解上的可能性，也因为"Kernel","explanations", "theories", or "news",是一些比较非诗意的词语。
"I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved somehow -the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities."
"I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself."
I offer you lean streets, desperate sunsets, the moon of the jagged suburbs. I offer you the bitterness of a man who has looked long and long at the lonely moon. I offer you my ancestors, my dead men, the ghosts that living men have honored in marble: my father's father killed in the frontier of Buenos Aires, two bullets through his lungs, bearded and dead, wrapped by his soldiers in the hide of a cow; my mother's grandfather -just twenty-four- heading a charge of three hundred men in Perú, now ghosts on vanished horses. I offer you whatever insight my books may hold. whatever manliness or humor my life. I offer you the loyalty of a man who has never been loyal. I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved somehow -the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities. I offer you the memory of a yellow rose seen at sunset, years before you were born. I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself.
I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart; I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat.
However, if I do the translation myself, I would probably use '我愿給' for 'I offer', '我甚至能給' for 'I can give' . They seem to sound more suitable for the voice of the poet here.
"I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved somehow -the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities."
我愿給你我的髓，那保存下來的心靈之要 - 語言不經，夢幻不由，也不為時光、歡樂、艱辛所動
"I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself."
与林木兄探讨博尔赫斯的两首英文诗歌的第二首
谢谢林木兄分享博尔赫斯写给诺拉的情诗与翻译。
博尔赫斯英文版的第二部分，我越读越喜欢，文字精确的选择里反映出诗人对他单相思的诺拉求爱的情绪变换，从自信到忐忑甚至绝望。
读着你的翻译，有几个地方想与你探讨。
在英文版中，一组"offer"的排比有着诗人内敛的奔放浪漫热情自豪与敏感，而最终以"can give"收尾时将表达出一种期待。你在翻译这两个词语上都是用的，"给你"则没有将这两个词语的区别表达出来。"give"一般期望对方的接受，而"offer"的东西则是可以被接受与拒绝的。譬如，"Jesus did not give us salvation but he offered it to us"。
"can give"更有一种小心翼翼与询问的感觉。
你的译文里这几个词语也让我思考着，也许你有自己的考量，但似乎不是很准确，Traffic 一般指的交通或车流，你译文中用"贩卖"，似乎把它看成了"traffick"。Marble 是大理石，应该是指的墓碑。最后一句的现在进行时"I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat."，在译文中以现在时态表达出来，让诗歌显得平淡了，而其中的某种极为微妙的intimacy在消逝。
我也试图翻译了一版，也不怎么满意。譬如这两句我感觉不容易，除了理解上的可能性，也因为"Kernel","explanations", "theories", or "news",是一些比较非诗意的词语。
"I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved somehow -the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities."
"I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself."
读好的诗歌与分享无疑是一件让时间变得有意义的事情。
再次谢谢你的分享。
*
我能用什么挽留你?
我奉献给你狭长的街道，绝望的落日，参差郊外的月。
我奉献给你一个长久凝望着月的男人的苦涩。
我奉献给你我的祖先，我死去的人们，那些活着的人以大理石来致敬的亡灵；我父亲的父亲曾经在布宜诺斯艾利斯的前线阵亡，两颗子弹穿过他的肺，被他的的士兵以牛皮裹着，胡子拉碴，了无生机；我母亲的祖父——只有二十四岁——在秘鲁率领三百人冲锋，如今成了消逝的马背上的幽灵。
我奉献给你我书中可能蕴含的洞见，我生活中所有的男人味或幽默。
我奉献给你一个从未忠贞过的男人的忠贞。
我奉献给你我保留下来的自身的内核 - 那不能以文字描述，不能以梦幻来穿梭，未曾留下时间，喜悦，困境的痕迹的心。
我奉献给你夕阳中看到的一朵黄玫瑰的记忆，远在你出生之前。
我奉献给你关于你自身的说法，你自身的推测，以及你真实或意想不到的的消息。
我能给予你我的寂寞，我的黑暗，我心灵的渴望；我正以无常，危险，失败试图贿赂你.
(影云译)
我能用什么才能留住你？
我给你狭窄的街道、绝望的落日、荒郊的月亮。
我给你一个长久凝望孤月的人的悲苦。
我给你我的先辈，我死去的人，人们用青铜纪念的亡魂：在布宜诺斯艾利斯边境阵亡的祖父，两颗子弹射穿他的胸膛，死时蓄着胡子，士兵们用牛皮裹起他的尸体；我母亲的祖父——时年二十四岁——在秘鲁率领三百人冲锋，如今成了消失的马背上的幽灵。
我给你我书中蕴含的洞见，我生活中的男子气概或幽默。
我给你一个从未忠诚过的人的忠诚。
我给你我设法保全的自己的内核，不经营字句，不贩卖梦想，未曾被时间、欢乐和困境影响过的心脏中心。
我给你在你出生多年前的一个傍晚看到的一朵黄玫瑰的记忆。
我给你有关你的诠释，你的理论，你真实而意外的消息。
我给你我的寂寞、我的黑暗、我心灵的饥渴；我试图用无常、危险、失败贿赂你。
（林木译）
Jorge Luis Borges
What can I hold you with?
I offer you lean streets, desperate sunsets, the moon of the jagged suburbs.
I offer you the bitterness of a man who has looked long and long at the lonely moon.
I offer you my ancestors, my dead men, the ghosts that living men have honored in marble: my father's father killed in the frontier of Buenos Aires, two bullets through his lungs, bearded and dead, wrapped by his soldiers in the hide of a cow; my mother's grandfather -just twenty-four- heading a charge of three hundred men in Perú, now ghosts on vanished horses.
I offer you whatever insight my books may hold. whatever manliness or humor my life.
I offer you the loyalty of a man who has never been loyal.
I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved somehow -the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities.
I offer you the memory of a yellow rose seen at sunset, years before you were born.
I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself.
I can give you my loneliness, my darkness, the hunger of my heart; I am trying to bribe you with uncertainty, with danger, with defeat.
更多我的博客文章>>>
与林木兄探讨博尔赫斯的两首英文诗歌的第二首 《典雅生活》里的沉船隐喻 Three States 在文字废墟上的萦绕 记忆的风景However, if I do the translation myself, I would probably use '我愿給' for 'I offer', '我甚至能給' for 'I can give' . They seem to sound more suitable for the voice of the poet here.
"I offer you that kernel of myself that I have saved somehow -the central heart that deals not in words, traffics not with dreams and is untouched by time, by joy, by adversities."
我愿給你我的髓，那保存下來的心靈之要 - 語言不經，夢幻不由，也不為時光、歡樂、艱辛所動
"I offer you explanations of yourself, theories about yourself, authentic and surprising news of yourself."
我愿向你解說你，論述你，向你報道關於你的或實在或荒诞的傳聞
有的句子本身诗意晦涩，不好理解
真的是，一花一景，每个人各有自己独特风格。非常好的交流。
纯粹又缠绵
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/traffic
to say a prayer or make a sacrifice (= an actof killing or giving up something) to a god:
把林木大师打败了
