but you gave him suggestions about how to treat you better: send instant message, hug, etc. and he got angry about your suggestions, right?
if you stay together, it won't get better soon. it might take your whole life to improve him.
true. he's not really angry. it's more being sad and hurt...
i know that we should never expect to change someone. but it's not all about changing. it's just a different way of doing things. it would make a big difference if we understand each other's needs better. but... i dont know how to make him understand my point....
没错。但我觉得it's very important for each partner to understand each other's needs in a relationship. and if the needs are not fulfilled, there's no point keeping a relationship.
没错。但我觉得it's very important for each partner to understand each other's needs in a relationship. and if the needs are not fulfilled, there's no point keeping a relationship.
i dont know...........
Really? You meant you were ready to leave him if he doesn't change? I really doubt that is what you wanted.
More important: don't try to change a man. I also don't see why sending you text greetings is so important. I don't need my friend to do that and I also never sent any text message myself, so I totally understand why some people don't do it. If you bf doesn't feel conformtable doing that, forcing him to do so can make him feel very painful. While a lot of Chinese guys would endure such pain to please their girl friends, a lot of non-Chinese guys wouldn't.
Really? You meant you were ready to leave him if he doesn't change? I really doubt that is what you wanted.
More important: don't try to change a man. I also don't see why sending you text greetings is so important. I don't need my friend to do that and I also never sent any text myself, so I totally understand why some people don't do it. If you bf doesn't feel conformtable doing that, forcing him to do so can make him very painful.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:34:48编辑过]
yeah i dont knoww.............. i m really confused... i dont think i have any energy to think
yeah i dont knoww.............. i m really confused... i dont think i have any energy to think
You seem to have high expectations about relationship and a lot of emotional needs, and for this reason, dating someone from a different culture may not be a good idea for you. More often than not, they can't live up to your exceptions, which you apparently learned in the Chinese culture.
he didnt grow up here in the us. and he made sure i knew how important it meant for him to bring a girl to his family.
so what? somehow i get a bit annoyed reading it. if you are not having a good relationship, what good is it to you to meet his parents? no matter how important it is to him. so, he is loving you in ways he think should be important and enough to you. but he disregard your feelings and your thoughts.
You seem to have high expectation about relationship and a lot of emotional needs, in this case, dating someone from a different culture may not be a good idea for me. More often than not, they can't live up to your exception, which you apparently learned in the Chinese culture.
ya i do have a high expectation and i feel i easily get insecure in a relationship. i do hope to get constant attention from my partner.
but what im not sure is whether cultural background really matters. i can imagine same thing would happen even if im with someone who has the same background with me. i m not sure whether its my problem and whether i should continue with my current relationship, which i do.
so what? somehow i get a bit annoyed reading it. if you are not having a good relationship, what good is it to you to meet his parents? no matter how important it is to him. so, he is loving you in ways he think should be important and enough to you. but he disregard your feelings and your thoughts.
ya i do have a high expectation and i feel i easily get insecure in a relationship. i do hope to get constant attention from my partner.
but what im not sure is whether cultural background really matters. i can imagine same thing would happen even if im with someone who has the same background with me. i m not sure whether its my problem and whether i should continue with my current relationship, which i do.
Of course cultural background matters. People grew up in Western culture are much more individualistic, which means they would be much more annoyed if you force them to do things that they don't want to do, in your case, sending greetings to you, exercising, etc. Also they grew up learning that one should not say things that are "not nice", so they usually would not critize you, but on the other hand, they can't tolerate your criticism either, so if "他都觉得我认为他不够好", it is very painful for him, and as a result"他觉得完全受不了我这样的评价." [此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:57:24编辑过]
Of course cultural background matters. People grew up in Western culture are much more individualistic, which means they would be much more annoyed if you force them to do things that they don't want to do, in your case, sending greetings to you, exercising, etc. Also they grew up learning that one should not say things that are "not nice", so they usually would not critize you, but on the other hand, they can't tolerate your criticism either, so if "他都觉得我认为他不够好", it is very painful for him, and as a result"他觉得完全受不了我这样的评价." [此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:57:24编辑过]
when you mention "not nice", it totally reminds me of how he told me i should always be nice to him. i understand, and im trying to understand him better. its true that we have totally different perspective on certain things, or say most of the things.
but im scared whenever i think of breaking up. i dont want to. maybe its just because im too insecure...
when you mention "not nice", it totally reminds me of how he told me i should always be nice to him. i understand, and im trying to understand him better. its true that we have totally different perspective on certain things, or say most of the things.
but im scared whenever i think of breaking up. i dont want to. maybe its just because im too insecure...
that's no no for relationship.
about being scared, would you rather live alone for the rest of your life? Or would you rather live like now for the rest of your life? Not to mention that you will always have the opportunity to meet someone better suited.
about being scared, would you rather live alone for the rest of your life? Or would you rather live like now for the rest of your life? Not to mention that you will always have the opportunity to meet someone better suited.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:04:24编辑过]
i ve had great time with him... that makes it harder to say bye to him.
when you mention "not nice", it totally reminds me of how he told me i should always be nice to him. i understand, and im trying to understand him better. its true that we have totally different perspective on certain things, or say most of the things.
but im scared whenever i think of breaking up. i dont want to. maybe its just because im too insecure...
I don't see you really want to break up, you probably just want him change, which I can tell you, it is quite impossible.
我觉得我自己很没有安全感。总是在寻找the one, so that i wont need to worry for the rest of my life.所以当碰到自己喜欢的人是，总是想把他改造到as perfect as the one.i understand no one is perfect. but im not sure whether we will work out fine or there's someone who will fit me better.
are you still having great time? how often are you happy and how often are you miserable?
i know i sound very clingy but im happy whenever im with him, except when we start talking about our misunderstanding. sometimes we have a good conversation, other times we dont.
its just painful to think of not being together with him.
From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like that you have to break up, because I don't see a fundamental conflict between you two at this point (for instance, things like very different money-spending habits or he is mean to you--he seems to be nice guy). Your relationship seems to be OK for now, but just not ideal. The only thing I can tell you is, if you want to find a way to change him or change the way you two interact, you can pretty much give up on that hope. So can you accept the current way he is?
Another thing: will you run into the same problem with Chinese guys? No you won't, but you may run into different problems, such as mother-in-law issues.
From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like that you have to break up, because I don't see a fundamental conflict between you two at this point (for instance, things like very different money-spending habits or he refuses to work). Your relationship seems to be OK for now, but just not ideal. The only thing I can tell you is, if you want to find a way to change him or change the way you two interact, you can pretty much give up on that hope. So can you accept the current way?
Another thing: will you run into the same problem with Chinese guys? No you won't, but you may run into different problems, such as mother-in-law issues.
lzmm said that they disagree on almost everything. it sounds to me that fundamental conflict is just down the road.
From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like that you have to break up, because I don't see a fundamental conflict between you two at this point (for instance, things like very different money-spending habits or he refuses to work). Your relationship seems to be OK for now, but just not ideal. The only thing I can tell you is, if you want to find a way to change him or change the way you two interact, you can pretty much give up on that hope. So can you accept the current way he is?
Another thing: will you run into the same problem with Chinese guys? No you won't, but you may run into different problems, such as mother-in-law issues.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:21:35编辑过]
thanks a lot. u gave me good insight on this issue.
i believe we can work around it to make things better too. however, what im most concerned of is the fact that we havent figured out a way to communicate well (due to the fact that he doesnt like to talk that much and the cultural/gender difference between us), and that will lead us to serious misunderstanding. i dont know whether it's more serious than spending problems or mother-in-law issues or less, and im honestly not sure whether we can achieve the level of effective communication that's good enough for a healthy relationship. and thats why i was asking for communication skills with boyfriend on my original post.
i can accept minor facts about him--not eating enough fruits, not exercising enough, not being very outgoing--those wont affect our relationship that much. but the fact that he doesnt communicate with me enough and that we do have misunderstanding of each other makes me worried. :(
lzmm said that they disagree on almost everything. it sounds to me that fundamental conflict is just down the road.
I did notice she said that but I don't think it is true from what she wrote at the beginning. If that is true, that guy would not bring her to meet his parents. Again, I am not saying she should stay with this guy; I am just saying she does 'have to" break up (if this guy is mean to her, I would say she should break up). I can see from her post that she doesn't want to break up, but wants to find ways to change this guy, which it is quite impossible.
我觉得我自己很没有安全感。总是在寻找the one, so that i wont need to worry for the rest of my life.所以当碰到自己喜欢的人是，总是想把他改造到as perfect as the one.i understand no one is perfect. but im not sure whether we will work out fine or there's someone who will fit me better.
要么,你就完全的open的和他交流一下. 直接说, I like you very much but i have to admit I am not that into you. However, I take this relationship very seriously. I really hope it could end up with marriage. Could you give me some time?
i know i sound very clingy but im happy whenever im with him, except when we start talking about our misunderstanding. sometimes we have a good conversation, other times we dont. its just painful to think of not being together with him.
true. he's not really angry. it's more being sad and hurt...
i know that we should never expect to change someone. but it's not all about changing. it's just a different way of doing things. it would make a big difference if we understand each other's needs better. but... i dont know how to make him understand my point....
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/19 1:55:12编辑过]
再个,你也反省一下是不是要求太多了,
很多事情对于一个人来说,很简单,对于另外的人来说,很难达到,
要改变一个多年的习惯甚至性格哪里有那么容易.
我觉得你可能是表达方式有问题，你不要觉得别人为了你改变是应该应分的，还什么“120%不过分”，你这种态度太居高临下了，你要知道，别人不愿意的前提下，你提出任何要求都是1000%过分的。我想可能是你的态度引起了他的逆反，未必是你的要求本身。
re
lz我看了都替你累，换个男人吧。
在一起2个月了，觉得有点累。不知道和谁说，请大家帮帮我。
事实是，他真的是极其爱我，虽然他像个傻傻的大男孩一样没有太多如何哄女朋友的技
巧。多数时候，我清醒地知道，我对他的爱绝对不像他对我的爱那样无条件。诚实地说
，我并不够爱他。可是我对他有足够的喜欢，更重要是我非常想珍惜他，想跟他在一起
。因为我知道，他对我的感情是真的。
如果真是无条件，那LZ对他的建议怎么会没法接受呢？
才2个月就这么累，分了吧，趁时间还早。
他不太多说话。像个大男孩，可某些方面又是极其男人。比如，他对批评和建议的忍耐
极低。
又看了一遍。这是“极其男人”的例子？？
在一起2个月了，觉得有点累。不知道和谁说，请大家帮帮我。
我觉得和他交流比较困难。
他不太多说话。像个大男孩，可某些方面又是极其男人。比如，他对批评和建议的忍耐
极低。他觉得每次我跟他提出建议，是因为我觉得他不够好。而这让他觉得他受到了侮
辱。我理解他的想法，觉得他完全有理由这样想。然而我也希望她了解我的想法，因为
我也完全有理由有我自己的见解。
比如我希望他多心我一点，从行动上来表示，多发发短信，多抱抱我；也说过多跑步，
多吃水果，多积极一点，不要太腼腆。每次我这样说，他都觉得我认为他不够好，认为
我不是因为喜欢他而跟他在一起，而可能是因为我喜欢他能提供给我的外在，或者是因
为我只是想要一个男朋友。他觉得完全受不了我这样的评价。
对于一个才认识两个月的男人（无论什么族裔）提出这样的“建议”，对方大都会觉得你非常PUSH啊。
才交往两个月（不管接触深入到哪一步），双方都还处于时不时伸出“小触角”，相互试探的阶段，怎么可能立刻就“互相完全理解”。
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 14:17:41编辑过]
你要是批评他，责怪他，他只会觉得你对他不满。
dating过的5个男人，只有一个华人，其余的全是白人。偏偏打击我最厉害的就是那个华人，其余的4个都把我捧到天上去了。
才2个月，不会“极其爱”你的吧?
re
或者你们再打打，打淡了以后再换。
这样子，没必要再谈，结了婚也是杯具。
lz我看了都替你累，换个男人吧。
agree
re 名人RE我了!我真激动!啃啃!
关于表达方式，我自己也不断反省。我觉得自己还是比较注意不要太push的。我完全没有居高临下。
我不确定的是，当确立了关系以后，我应不应该expect to be treated like a girlfriend, that includs 发短信问候我，抱抱我， etc。我自己也告诉他，我只希望从小事里看出来。但他听了就觉得我认为他不够好。
我也觉得爱应该是用行动表示的。但是我更觉得，他是不知道怎么去表示，而不是只想嘴上说说。但是again，我不确定。
他带我去见他的家人和朋友，非常重视我。
我不知道到底应该做什么。
Lz会不会是一厢情愿觉得他很爱你？
我觉得不是
而且我觉得他更喜欢我多点
我不觉得他没有安全感。他对自己的生活都很满意，也没有什么发愁的事。但我确实不知道自己到底了不了解他。
关于表达方式，我自己也不断反省。我觉得自己还是比较注意不要太push的。我完全没有居高临下。
我不确定的是，当确立了关系以后，我应不应该expect to be treated like a girlfriend, that includs 发短信问候我，抱抱我， etc。我自己也告诉他，我只希望从小事里看出来。但他听了就觉得我认为他不够好。
我也觉得爱应该是用行动表示的。但是我更觉得，他是不知道怎么去表示，而不是只想嘴上说说。但是again，我不确定。
他带我去见他的家人和朋友，非常重视我。
我不知道到底应该做什么。
我说的是你没有给他安全感.你给他的感觉可能是,你还没有十分确定,随时可能会离开,这种安全感.
我不觉得他没有安全感。他对自己的生活都很满意，也没有什么发愁的事。但我确实不知道自己到底了不了解他。
关于表达方式，我自己也不断反省。我觉得自己还是比较注意不要太push的。我完全没有居高临下。
我不确定的是，当确立了关系以后，我应不应该expect to be treated like a girlfriend, that includs 发短信问候我，抱抱我， etc。我自己也告诉他，我只希望从小事里看出来。但他听了就觉得我认为他不够好。
我也觉得爱应该是用行动表示的。但是我更觉得，他是不知道怎么去表示，而不是只想嘴上说说。但是again，我不确定。
他带我去见他的家人和朋友，非常重视我。
我不知道到底应该做什么。
but you gave him suggestions about how to treat you better: send instant message, hug, etc. and he got angry about your suggestions, right?
if you stay together, it won't get better soon. it might take your whole life to improve him.
我说的是你没有给他安全感.你给他的感觉可能是,你还没有十分确定,随时可能会离开,这种安全感.
你说得对。
但是我不知道怎么做了。当他做一些事时，我马上大大的鼓励他。也不断show him as much as i can that i do like him.
我应该怎么做？
but you gave him suggestions about how to treat you better: send instant message, hug, etc. and he got angry about your suggestions, right?
if you stay together, it won't get better soon. it might take your whole life to improve him.
true. he's not really angry. it's more being sad and hurt...
i know that we should never expect to change someone. but it's not all about changing. it's just a different way of doing things. it would make a big difference if we understand each other's needs better. but... i dont know how to make him understand my point....
每个人的expectation是不一样的.比如,我丝毫不觉得" 发短信问候我"是必要的.
没错。但我觉得it's very important for each partner to understand each other's needs in a relationship. and if the needs are not fulfilled, there's no point keeping a relationship.
i dont know...........
我不觉得他没有安全感。他对自己的生活都很满意，也没有什么发愁的事。但我确实不知道自己到底了不了解他。
关于表达方式，我自己也不断反省。我觉得自己还是比较注意不要太push的。我完全没有居高临下。
我不确定的是，当确立了关系以后，我应不应该expect to be treated like a girlfriend, that includs 发短信问候我，抱抱我， etc。我自己也告诉他，我只希望从小事里看出来。但他听了就觉得我认为他不够好。
我也觉得爱应该是用行动表示的。但是我更觉得，他是不知道怎么去表示，而不是只想嘴上说说。但是again，我不确定。
他带我去见他的家人和朋友，非常重视我。
that doesn't mean so much as u thought, for those who were raised up here
he didnt grow up here in the us. and he made sure i knew how important it meant for him to bring a girl to his family.
没错。但我觉得it's very important for each partner to understand each other's needs in a relationship. and if the needs are not fulfilled, there's no point keeping a relationship.
i dont know...........
Really? You meant you were ready to leave him if he doesn't change? I really doubt that is what you wanted.
More important: don't try to change a man. I also don't see why sending you text greetings is so important. I don't need my friend to do that and I also never sent any text message myself, so I totally understand why some people don't do it. If you bf doesn't feel conformtable doing that, forcing him to do so can make him feel very painful. While a lot of Chinese guys would endure such pain to please their girl friends, a lot of non-Chinese guys wouldn't.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:37:13编辑过]
Really? You meant you were ready to leave him if he doesn't change? I really doubt that is what you wanted.
More important: don't try to change a man. I also don't see why sending you text greetings is so important. I don't need my friend to do that and I also never sent any text myself, so I totally understand why some people don't do it. If you bf doesn't feel conformtable doing that, forcing him to do so can make him very painful.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:34:48编辑过]
yeah i dont knoww.............. i m really confused... i dont think i have any energy to think
事实是，他真的是极其爱我，虽然他像个傻傻的大男孩一样没有太多如何哄女朋友的技
巧。多数时候，我清醒地知道，我对他的爱绝对不像他对我的爱那样无条件。诚实地说
，我并不够爱他。可是我对他有足够的喜欢，更重要是我非常想珍惜他，想跟他在一起
。因为我知道，他对我的感情是真的。
我觉得自己非常无助，也很累。我非常想去解决。我多么想让我们俩个人互相理解彼此
的想法，因为他是一个好人，我非常想珍惜他真挚的感情。但是我不知道怎么去做。
说什么呢？你自己都知道你不够爱他，所以总是会有这样那样的缺憾让你不满意你们的关系，这不是他的问题，这是你的问题。你想改变他，想让他变得更“可爱”一些，这样，你就会爱他多一些，这样，可能吗？你只是把自己也把人家搞得更累。一切顺缘吧，如果只是想要珍惜，只是觉得他是值得的那一个，那就更顺心吧，而不是把对方改造成你愿意爱的那个人。
说什么呢？你自己都知道你不够爱他，所以总是会有这样那样的缺憾让你不满意你们的关系，这不是他的问题，这是你的问题。你想改变他，想让他变得更“可爱”一些，这样，你就会爱他多一些，这样，可能吗？你只是把自己也把人家搞得更累。一切顺缘吧，如果只是想要珍惜，只是觉得他是值得的那一个，那就更顺心吧，而不是把对方改造成你愿意爱的那个人。
我不知道到底怎样才能明确自己的确爱一个人。
不知道自己到底爱不爱。
yeah i dont knoww.............. i m really confused... i dont think i have any energy to think
You seem to have high expectations about relationship and a lot of emotional needs, and for this reason, dating someone from a different culture may not be a good idea for you. More often than not, they can't live up to your exceptions, which you apparently learned in the Chinese culture.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:43:54编辑过]
he didnt grow up here in the us. and he made sure i knew how important it meant for him to bring a girl to his family.
so what?
somehow i get a bit annoyed reading it.
if you are not having a good relationship, what good is it to you to meet his parents? no matter how important it is to him.
so, he is loving you in ways he think should be important and enough to you. but he disregard your feelings and your thoughts.
yeah i dont knoww.............. i m really confused... i dont think i have any energy to think
ok, 2 months, you should be drunken in love, not exhausted to think.
You seem to have high expectation about relationship and a lot of emotional needs, in this case, dating someone from a different culture may not be a good idea for me. More often than not, they can't live up to your exception, which you apparently learned in the Chinese culture.
ya i do have a high expectation and i feel i easily get insecure in a relationship. i do hope to get constant attention from my partner.
but what im not sure is whether cultural background really matters. i can imagine same thing would happen even if im with someone who has the same background with me. i m not sure whether its my problem and whether i should continue with my current relationship, which i do.
我不知道到底怎样才能明确自己的确爱一个人。
不知道自己到底爱不爱。
you will know when it is the right one.
so what?
somehow i get a bit annoyed reading it.
if you are not having a good relationship, what good is it to you to meet his parents? no matter how important it is to him.
so, he is loving you in ways he think should be important and enough to you. but he disregard your feelings and your thoughts.
thats why im confused about what's going on.
ya i do have a high expectation and i feel i easily get insecure in a relationship. i do hope to get constant attention from my partner.
but what im not sure is whether cultural background really matters. i can imagine same thing would happen even if im with someone who has the same background with me. i m not sure whether its my problem and whether i should continue with my current relationship, which i do.
Of course cultural background matters. People grew up in Western culture are much more individualistic, which means they would be much more annoyed if you force them to do things that they don't want to do, in your case, sending greetings to you, exercising, etc. Also they grew up learning that one should not say things that are "not nice", so they usually would not critize you, but on the other hand, they can't tolerate your criticism either, so if "他都觉得我认为他不够好", it is very painful for him, and as a result"他觉得完全受不了我这样的评价."
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:57:24编辑过]
thats why im confused about what's going on.
count your happy time with him and unhappy time with him, stay together as long as happy time >= (unhappy time) * 5
说什么呢？你自己都知道你不够爱
他，所以总是会有这样那样的缺憾让你不满意你们的关系，这不是他的问题，这是你的问题。你想改变他，想让他变得更“可爱”一些，这样，你就会爱他多一些，
这样，可能吗？你只是把自己也把人家搞得更累。一切顺缘吧，如果只是想要珍惜，只是觉得他是值得的那一个，那就更顺心吧，而不是把对方改造成你愿意爱的那
个人。
totally agree
Of course cultural background matters. People grew up in Western culture are much more individualistic, which means they would be much more annoyed if you force them to do things that they don't want to do, in your case, sending greetings to you, exercising, etc. Also they grew up learning that one should not say things that are "not nice", so they usually would not critize you, but on the other hand, they can't tolerate your criticism either, so if "他都觉得我认为他不够好", it is very painful for him, and as a result"他觉得完全受不了我这样的评价."
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 15:57:24编辑过]
when you mention "not nice", it totally reminds me of how he told me i should always be nice to him. i understand, and im trying to understand him better. its true that we have totally different perspective on certain things, or say most of the things.
but im scared whenever i think of breaking up. i dont want to. maybe its just because im too insecure...
when you mention "not nice", it totally reminds me of how he told me i should always be nice to him. i understand, and im trying to understand him better. its true that we have totally different perspective on certain things, or say most of the things.
but im scared whenever i think of breaking up. i dont want to. maybe its just because im too insecure...
that's no no for relationship.
about being scared, would you rather live alone for the rest of your life? Or would you rather live like now for the rest of your life? Not to mention that you will always have the opportunity to meet someone better suited.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:04:24编辑过]
好长。。。。lz辛苦了。
我不知道到底怎样才能明确自己的确爱一个人。
不知道自己到底爱不爱。
你自己清楚自己内心的答案，所以你才会写出那句话。换句话说：在爱的人，谁不知道自己在爱呀？当你不知道时，答案就是NO. 你们的关系从你的描述中看来就好象：他符合你一切的择偶条件，没淮还有超越的部分。或许你认为在现阶段，他是个理想对象，总而言之，你很想很想成就这段情，但可惜的是自己的内心不配合，所以就生事了，找茬了，想改造对方。你可以做的是：把心再放大一点，不要强迫自己和别人，一切随缘随心，认真的观察这个人，多找找优点，没准你会发现惊喜。
that's no no for relationship.
about being scared, would you rather live alone for the rest of your life? Or would you rather live like now for the rest of your life? Not to mention that you will always have the opportunity to meet someone better suited.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:04:24编辑过]
i ve had great time with him... that makes it harder to say bye to him.
i ve had great time with him... that makes it harder to say bye to him.
are you still having great time? how often are you happy and how often are you miserable?
when you mention "not nice", it totally reminds me of how he told me i should always be nice to him. i understand, and im trying to understand him better. its true that we have totally different perspective on certain things, or say most of the things.
but im scared whenever i think of breaking up. i dont want to. maybe its just because im too insecure...
I don't see you really want to break up, you probably just want him change, which I can tell you, it is quite impossible.
你自己清楚自己内心的答案，所以你才会写出那句话。换句话说：在爱的人，谁不知道自己在爱呀？当你不知道时，答案就是NO. 你们的关系从你的描述中看来就好象：他符合你一切的择偶条件，没淮还有超越的部分。或许你认为在现阶段，他是个理想对象，总而言之，你很想很想成就这段情，但可惜的是自己的内心不配合，所以就生事了，找茬了，想改造对方。你可以做的是：把心再放大一点，不要强迫自己和别人，一切随缘随心，认真的观察这个人，多找找优点，没准你会发现惊喜。
我的确想成就这份感情
我觉得我自己很没有安全感。总是在寻找the one, so that i wont need to worry for the rest of my life.所以当碰到自己喜欢的人是，总是想把他改造到as perfect as the one.i understand no one is perfect. but im not sure whether we will work out fine or there's someone who will fit me better.
i dont know whether i should continue with him
are you still having great time? how often are you happy and how often are you miserable?
i know i sound very clingy but im happy whenever im with him, except when we start talking about our misunderstanding.
sometimes we have a good conversation, other times we dont.
its just painful to think of not being together with him.
I don't see you really want to break up, you probably just want him change, which I can tell you, it is quite impossible.
then what should i do?
then what should i do?
From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like that you have to break up, because I don't see a fundamental conflict between you two at this point (for instance, things like very different money-spending habits or he is mean to you--he seems to be nice guy). Your relationship seems to be OK for now, but just not ideal. The only thing I can tell you is, if you want to find a way to change him or change the way you two interact, you can pretty much give up on that hope. So can you accept the current way he is?
Another thing: will you run into the same problem with Chinese guys? No you won't, but you may run into different problems, such as mother-in-law issues.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:23:32编辑过]
From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like that you have to break up, because I don't see a fundamental conflict between you two at this point (for instance, things like very different money-spending habits or he refuses to work). Your relationship seems to be OK for now, but just not ideal. The only thing I can tell you is, if you want to find a way to change him or change the way you two interact, you can pretty much give up on that hope. So can you accept the current way?
Another thing: will you run into the same problem with Chinese guys? No you won't, but you may run into different problems, such as mother-in-law issues.
lzmm said that they disagree on almost everything.
it sounds to me that fundamental conflict is just down the road.
From what you wrote, it doesn't seem like that you have to break up, because I don't see a fundamental conflict between you two at this point (for instance, things like very different money-spending habits or he refuses to work). Your relationship seems to be OK for now, but just not ideal. The only thing I can tell you is, if you want to find a way to change him or change the way you two interact, you can pretty much give up on that hope. So can you accept the current way he is?
Another thing: will you run into the same problem with Chinese guys? No you won't, but you may run into different problems, such as mother-in-law issues.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:21:35编辑过]
thanks a lot. u gave me good insight on this issue.
i believe we can work around it to make things better too. however, what im most concerned of is the fact that we havent figured out a way to communicate well (due to the fact that he doesnt like to talk that much and the cultural/gender difference between us), and that will lead us to serious misunderstanding. i dont know whether it's more serious than spending problems or mother-in-law issues or less, and im honestly not sure whether we can achieve the level of effective communication that's good enough for a healthy relationship. and thats why i was asking for communication skills with boyfriend on my original post.
i can accept minor facts about him--not eating enough fruits, not exercising enough, not being very outgoing--those wont affect our relationship that much. but the fact that he doesnt communicate with me enough and that we do have misunderstanding of each other makes me worried. :(
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:34:23编辑过]
lzmm said that they disagree on almost everything.
it sounds to me that fundamental conflict is just down the road.
I did notice she said that but I don't think it is true from what she wrote at the beginning. If that is true, that guy would not bring her to meet his parents. Again, I am not saying she should stay with this guy; I am just saying she does 'have to" break up (if this guy is mean to her, I would say she should break up). I can see from her post that she doesn't want to break up, but wants to find ways to change this guy, which it is quite impossible.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 16:32:37编辑过]
看了半天都没看明白你们俩到底怎么回事。
lzmm said that they disagree on almost everything.
it sounds to me that fundamental conflict is just down the road.
not necessarily disagree,i would rather say we view things differently.
我的确想成就这份感情
我觉得我自己很没有安全感。总是在寻找the one, so that i wont need to worry for the rest of my life.所以当碰到自己喜欢的人是，总是想把他改造到as perfect as the one.i understand no one is perfect. but im not sure whether we will work out fine or there's someone who will fit me better.
i dont know whether i should continue with him
可不可以问问这是你第几个男朋友吗？感觉你在亲密关系的建立这块比较缺乏，可能是以前的一些不好的经历造成的。亲密关系需要度的，也需要平衡，太近了，累，太远了，又不爽。去找一些这方面的书来看吧，经营亲密关系也不是件容易的事的。有些事情是成长过程中无法避免的，不必太在意。还是那句话：顺心。有些事是只有老天爷才能控制的，你努再大的力也没有。是你的，你使再大劲也推不走。
可不可以问问这是你第几个男朋友吗？感觉你在亲密关系的建立这块比较缺乏，可能是以前的一些不好的经历造成的。亲密关系需要度的，也需要平衡，太近了，累，太远了，又不爽。去找一些这方面的书来看吧，经营亲密关系也不是件容易的事的。有些事情是成长过程中无法避免的，不必太在意。还是那句话：顺心。有些事是只有老天爷才能控制的，你努再大的力也没有。是你的，你使再大劲也推不走。
第一个真正算是男朋友的。我的确没有经验，他也是。之前的经历都是我被dumped.我很怕失去。
看的我很JF，一会儿很爱，一会儿又是没有爱的实际行动；一会儿不重视，一会儿又很重视。。。。。
可不可以问问这是你第几个男朋友吗？感觉你在亲密关系的建立这块比较缺乏，可能是以前的一些不好的经历造成的。亲密关系需要度的，也需要平衡，太近了，累，太远了，又不爽。去找一些这方面的书来看吧，经营亲密关系也不是件容易的事的。有些事情是成长过程中无法避免的，不必太在意。还是那句话：顺心。有些事是只有老天爷才能控制的，你努再大的力也没有。是你的，你使再大劲也推不走。
我猜是第一个吧.
第一个真正算是男朋友的。我的确没有经验，他也是。之前的经历都是我被dumped.我很怕失去。
oops,太后知后觉了.
oops,太后知后觉了.
什么是后知后觉
第一个真正算是男朋友的。我的确没有经验，他也是。之前的经历都是我被dumped.我很怕失去。
放轻松点。DUMPE和被DUMPED的结果是一样的，试着去想那些浮云：我早都不想要你的了，省得我开口了。“怕失去”会不会改变结果呢？“怕”没有任何意义，干嘛做无意义的事情呢？与其呆在家里傻傻的“怕”，不如去享受下生活，两条腿的男人很多的，相信我，再过几年你回头看，就知道自己浪费了多少时光只是为了“担心”。去看看这方面的书籍，学会建立亲密关系一定是需要过程的。
有的人就是内敛一些，也不知道你BF以前交过女朋友没有，如果没有的话你会辛苦一些的，有些男人真的要有足够的耐心去教他才会知道怎么疼你爱你，或许你教
了也不一定有效果。但是你内心又感觉到他是爱你的，然后就会想，即然爱我为什么不会疼我，做些事情来让我开心。。。我以前也有这种想法，我觉得只要是爱一
个人就会知道怎么样令他（她）开心
，其实并不完全这样，有些情场高手可能深谙此道，悟性高的也可以得心应手。对于比较木讷一点的内敛一些的这就难了。而且还有一种情况就是或许并不是真正的
爱，所以不想付出。
LZMM说了自己不够爱他，而你又要求他足够爱你，这样有些不公平，如果你真的想走下去，就试图去爱他了解他多一点，如果做不到就别要求他爱你更多。因为这样的话即使放手也不会那么痛。
有的人就是内敛一些，也不知道你BF以前交过女朋友没有，如果没有的话你会辛苦一些的，有些男人真的要有足够的耐心去教他才会知道怎么疼你爱你，或许你教
了也不一定有效果。但是你内心又感觉到他是爱你的，然后就会想，即然爱我为什么不会疼我，做些事情来让我开心。。。我以前也有这种想法，我觉得只要是爱一
个人就会知道怎么样令他（她）开心
，其实并不完全这样，有些情场高手可能深谙此道，悟性高的也可以得心应手。对于比较木讷一点的内敛一些的这就难了。而且还有一种情况就是或许并不是真正的
爱，所以不想付出。
agree
and i expected it would be hard, for both of us..
LZMM才交往两个月就累成这样，觉得你有些push自己，同时也在或许是无意中push对方。不要急慢慢来，你们双方都需要时间，放松一些，合就合不合就分，没什么大不了的，，给自己太多枷锁反倒会滞步不前。加油哦
说得对。
什么是后知后觉
我是说我后知后觉啦,没看到下一个帖子,就发了前面的帖子.hoho
直接说, I like you very much but i have to admit I am not that into you. However, I take this relationship very seriously. I really hope it could end up with marriage. Could you give me some time?
。
不过看的出来你想谈恋爱，或者说想嫁人。那么找不到你心目中完美的爱人就将就点吧，多想想自己的缺点，会觉得对方也是可以接受的。如果这一点都想不通就赶快分手，别墨迹了，人生苦短阿。要强调的是，千万不要试图这么费劲这么别扭的去改变一个男人，即使他很爱很爱你。
有一个人不够爱另一个人
这样的relationship应该继续吗？
你是不是觉得他足够的好，是一个做男朋友的最佳人选，不舍得放弃？
你不够爱他吧，按说刚热恋2个月的情侣眼中全是对方的好，应该是甜的发腻的感觉，你还能挑出他一堆不是来，很理性呢。
你是不是觉得他足够的好，是一个做男朋友的最佳人选，不舍得放弃？
没错。自私地说，我觉得他条件很好，不舍得放弃。那我该怎么办？？？
i know i sound very clingy but im happy whenever im with him, except when we start talking about our misunderstanding.
sometimes we have a good conversation, other times we dont.
its just painful to think of not being together with him.
is it not being with him or just being alone?
true. he's not really angry. it's more being sad and hurt...
i know that we should never expect to change someone. but it's not all about changing. it's just a different way of doing things. it would make a big difference if we understand each other's needs better. but... i dont know how to make him understand my point....
then tell him the exact words you said here
没错。自私地说，我觉得他条件很好，不舍得放弃。那我该怎么办？？？
你看上的是条件，将来结了婚再发现又来一个你的真爱，你就，呵呵。
不是真爱就别浪费时间了，条件再好有什么用？能帮着练英文提高自己英文水平，的确。可是一辈子的事儿唉，不能只看条件。
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/10/12 19:00:28编辑过]
不过如果选择了爱他，就必须接受要为之放弃的某些其它意愿。这必须是你自己的选择，与他是否能够领会感激没有关系。后果也由你一人承担。如果能想通这点，就好好爱，慢慢磨合吧。我感觉他是个值得的人。你自己体会。
谢谢你的话.