life is short, let him go. what he said could very well be true. it does not matter whether he has anyone else or not.
he tried to communiate with you before about how he felt about fights, but you did not even realize how much he was hurt. man can be hurt too. this is not to say that it was your fault. it is simply to say that you may not be a good match for each other.
if you don't love him, you should let him go; if you love him, you should also let him go at this moment. he already felt that you don't care about how he feels. If you insist on trying, it just make him feel that his voice is again being ignored. it will just make him want to be out more.
By the way, here is an example a husand huaren.used out of the window after having a fight with his wife.
why not really listen to what your husband has to say and try to understand him, rather than to guess his motive and doubt his words? if you can't trust him, why do you still want to be married to him? just because you don't feel the way he feels, doesn't mean that his feelings cannot be validated.
不经历一些事情对人的认识也不会全面，或者正如我家人所说，生活的经验太少。对他，我现在也有重新的认识，他的能力不足以去处理各种复杂的问题，这次所表现出来的逃避和没有担当，也说明他不是一个责任心那么强的人。也许从前把他想像的或者他表现的太过完美。现在知道了，也能够更全面的认识他。不管怎么说，人最主要的还是要靠自己。 努力的结果也许是好也许是坏，不会死缠烂打，不会纠结到底，做到我应该做的，而他依然如故，那就LET HIM GO。 整个的过程，我会在这里一一交代，希望以后回过头来看，知道这段时间是怎么走过的。
life is short, let him go. what he said could very well be true. it does not matter whether he has anyone else or not.
he tried to communiate with you before about how he felt about fights, but you did not even realize how much he was hurt. man can be hurt too. this is not to say that it was your fault. it is simply to say that you may not be a good match for each other.
if you don't love him, you should let him go; if you love him, you should also let him go at this moment. he already felt that you don't care about how he feels. If you insist on trying, it just make him feel that his voice is again being ignored. it will just make him want to be out more.
By the way, here is an example a husand huaren.used out of the window after having a fight with his wife.
why not really listen to what your husband has to say and try to understand him, rather than to guess his motive and doubt his words? if you can't trust him, why do you still want to be married to him? just because you don't feel the way he feels, doesn't mean that his feelings cannot be validated.
我愿意和他过下去的理由不仅仅是有个孩子，而是在这之前他算是一个好丈夫好父亲。我一直把他想的太过坚强，觉得什么压力对他都不是问题。当然我也知道他压力大，论文上的，工作上的，经济上的，可是除了每天给他做好吃的，把家里收拾的干干净净，把宝宝带好，却没有从思想上帮他排解压力也没有给他切实的帮助。他认识的我是一个能力很强的人，无论是在工作上还是在生活上，但是来美国这些年我把做一个好的HOUSEWIFE作为我生活的重点，和他的期望的我有很大落差吧。至于说吵架，我们对这个事情的认识和承受能力不一样，我觉得夫妻之间有争执很正常，床头吵架床尾和，没有隔夜的气，也许这种事情冷处理效果可能更好。 我一直在这里寻求的答案是，想知道他到底是压力问题还是外遇问题。其实想想，这两个问题应该都是有关联的。我现在想的是，是不是他出了一次轨就不能原谅？我也问自己，他一直是这样的人吗？答案是否定的。所以我想，不管他做了什么，说了什么，为了我们好不容易建立的这个家，为了孩子，先改变自己，以最大的包容和努力保持这个家的完整。 Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand. 1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward. 2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband. 3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns. 4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand. 1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward. 2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband. 3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns. 4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Even though it seems hard to you now, I think this is the only way that you have chances to get him back..i.e. step back and give him some space now. And hopefully he will come to think about the positive or happy moments in marriage and is willing to give it another try. You need to stand back and give him whatever support he needs when both of you are apart. Anyhow, he will need to stay in touch for kids' sake. Sometimes letting it go is a stepping forward. Good luck. By the way, fight between couples is common but it does not mean it is good. It hurts feelings and does damage to marriage, by all means.
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand. 1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward. 2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband. 3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns. 4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand. 1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward. 2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband. 3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns. 4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand. 1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward. 2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband. 3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns. 4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand. 1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward. 2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband. 3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns. 4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
bless...注意保护好自己，和朋友联系好万一出事有人照应些。。。
我明白你的意思，谢谢你，我会的。
很多事情，如果预防的早的话，还来得及
就比如如果LZLG刚往国内打电话的时候，LZ就发现并制止了，可能也不一定会发生到这一步
人的感情，真脆弱
至少不会一个人回去后感觉不知所措
老实说，这个男人，不建议再复合了
太没人性了
但无论如何，LZMM还是要想好最坏的打算
至少不会一个人回去后感觉不知所措
老实说，这个男人，不建议再复合了
太没人性了
re 要收集好证据 以备不时之需。。。
而且一定要让自己冷静
这样的人估计以前没有什么恋爱经验也没有什么被追求的经历
很容易就受诱惑了
很多男Phd单身久了觉得单身生活痛苦万分，万分羡慕有家有老婆的人呢。你是否真的对他生活关心太多，感情关心不够，每天柴米油盐念叨的比较多一些啊？
楼主要好好想想，沟通是出现了问题，吵架是双方的事，虽然我们的生活态度和方式不一定要因他胡闹而改变，可是还是应该反省。比如如何避免吵起来，如何控制一下局面不要闹到两人崩溃，如何让老公明白你也是多么的不容易等等，还有你们过去的感情，怎么让他认识到这些，这可能需要一个过程，不过不是没有可能修补，情商高的jm们给出出主意啊
感觉是找到下家了
re
我早就对你说过（不止一次），你对我好的时候很好，可是对我发脾气的时候又让我很受不了，我宁愿你中和一下，过个平静的日子。但是你没听进去。后来吵架的时候，我渐渐开始有伤害自己的冲动，记得那次我在实习的时候我们吵架，我跟你说，你这样跟我吵，我都想从这窗户跳下去算了。你也还是没放在心上，其实我当时真的有那个想法，只是觉得楼不够高放弃了。上次吵完，我想伤害自己的冲动更加强烈，让我终于意识到，我没办法再接受这样的生活了。我输不起了，如果再一次不成，我就真的会做出傻事。所以你说我自私也好，抛妻弃女也好，没人性也好，我要保护自己，不想也没有办法这样生活了。这点是无法改变的，也许过十年八年，我又想起你的好，但是现在我是一定要离婚的。
我很好奇你平时跟你老公怎么吵得。还有你老公的精神状态问题。如果有条件，让他看看心理医生吧。
楼主就算为了你宝宝也要加油。没什么的，反正这个世界也不是没有谁就活不了。能解决就解决，解决不了就Move on
很多妻子可能长大的环境中间父母就是大吵大闹的。 以为夫妻就是那样相处的。 但是真的有家庭是呵呵木木的， 这样的家庭出来的孩子有可能对吵架的threshhold就特别低。。
re 要收集好证据 以备不时之需。。。
而且一定要让自己冷静
证据又如何呀， 美国很多州都无过错离婚的。
其实我挺理解这个老公的说法的。要是谁和我大吵大闹， 我也肯定是不想过了的。 而且我觉得男人要变心， 基本上都是考虑很久了， 没有挽回的了。。。 很多妻子可能长大的环境中间父母就是大吵大闹的。 以为夫妻就是那样相处的。 但是真的有家庭是呵呵木木的， 这样的家庭出来的孩子有可能对吵架的threshhold就特别低。。
RE~~ 冰冻三尺，非一日之寒~
小三有没有难说，但是不是关键原因~~
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/1/15 9:03:12编辑过]
他这么急离婚，你可以多要点钱啊。总比那种对老婆不好还死活不离的强。
学生能有几个钱
平时我和他相处还好，但是他把我们之间的吵架看的很重。可能是他的压力太大，再一吵架他就觉得精神更紧张，然后向外界寻求疏解的渠道。往好的方面想，他现在未必就爱上那个聊天的人，但是这么长时间频繁的电话，又让我觉得不知道该怎么努力挽留他。我的意思是，如果是压力太大，我会尽量给他一个宽松舒适的环境，一个人带好孩子，他愿意来看孩子就看孩子，来的时候尽量让他觉得轻松，没有负担。如果是真有外遇，我想应该是做什么都没有用吧。他现在应该是觉得那个人理解他，而他越这么觉得，就越会觉得我有多么多么不好。
really? have you tried?
说说总是容易的，压力当前，还是要深呼吸，退一步海阔天空。我不知道你们的关系是怎样的，但是我知道他提到的那种感觉，很理解。
我和LG的家庭正好相反，他的家庭幼年因为贫穷，父母经常吵架，他说他很害怕父母吵架。我的家庭还算和睦，因为我的母亲性格温和懂得忍让，父母之间吵架真的不多，而且都能及时解决，无非是谁的姿态高一点。我和LG没有原则性的分歧，其实我一直想不明白，怎么他就有伤害自己的冲动？长时间的压抑吗？他觉得他是这个家的顶梁柱，我就不该因为一些琐事和他有争执。
从他的邮件可以看出他对夫妻吵架的反应很大. MM先让他离开冷静一段时间, 再找时间两个人好好谈.
现在逼太紧只会另他更方案.
bless MM.
我和LG的家庭正好相反，他的家庭幼年因为贫穷，父母经常吵架，他说他很害怕父母吵架。我的家庭还算和睦，因为我的母亲性格温和懂得忍让，父母之间吵架真的不多，而且都能及时解决，无非是谁的姿态高一点。我和LG没有原则性的分歧，其实我一直想不明白，怎么他就有伤害自己的冲动？长时间的压抑吗？他觉得他是这个家的顶梁柱，我就不该因为一些琐事和他有争执。
你劳工心理不健康, 不知道怎么去支撑一个家, 做一个好丈夫,好爸爸.
我和LG的家庭正好相反，他的家庭幼年因为贫穷，父母经常吵架，他说他很害怕父母吵架。我的家庭还算和睦，因为我的母亲性格温和懂得忍让，父母之间吵架真的不多，而且都能及时解决，无非是谁的姿态高一点。我和LG没有原则性的分歧，其实我一直想不明白，怎么他就有伤害自己的冲动？长时间的压抑吗？他觉得他是这个家的顶梁柱，我就不该因为一些琐事和他有争执。
争执可以, 但态度要控制得住.
我小时候父母也打架, 尤其是我妈, 非常会吵架, 演闹剧. 我一直看着我爸忍让, 就打定主意自己的家不能搞成这样. 现在我LG和我吵架, 如果只是争执, 就算了. 如果他态度恶劣, 比如砸门, 骂人, 我就给他记录下来. 我准备观察着, 他敢一直不改进, 和我恶劣吵架, 我就会离婚的. 虽然我们有小孩, 我不打算为了小孩忍受一辈子, 更不想我小孩成长在这样的环境里.
现在我LG收敛多了, 吵架都不砸不骂了. 我觉得他至少是听懂了我的bottom line, 愿意尊重我的底线. MM你也听听你LG的心里话吧, 总不能因为他不负责心里出轨, 你就忽略他的(多次)要求.
你静下心来想想，在这以前，他对你对孩子是不是很好？
现在不管他有没有下家，你还愿意和他在一起，愿意努力来修复你的婚姻么？
回美国来，和他好好谈谈吧。两人这么分开，什么都没法说。
BTW， you may try to pray to GOD. He can help you I believe.
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/1/15 13:51:46编辑过]
你劳工心理不健康, 不知道怎么去支撑一个家, 做一个好丈夫,好爸爸.
re,又不是10几岁的小毛孩，被老婆说几句就能想跳楼，这种男人也能当爸爸
男人和女人不同---男人提离婚的时候是早就前前后后想好了，怎么也拉不回了。女人提离婚多半是希望老公来拉她回心转意。他态度这么坚决，而且电话账单这么明显的摆在这里。美眉也做好准备吧。如果真是在外有人了，收好证据，小孩抚养费和培养赡养费都不能少。
re~~~男人如果说要离婚，那就是真的什么都想好了。好聚好散吧
我倒觉得什么吵架压力大都是在那边找借口胡说八道，最根本的就是找到下家了，wsn...
REEEEEEEEEEEEEE
re~~~男人如果说要离婚，那就是真的什么都想好了。好聚好散吧
I have to say this is not true at all.
关键在于，在以前的夫妻关系中，是不是就是LZ LG有错误，LZ一点错误都没有呢？
我觉得夫妻关系出问题，不是哪一方的原因，而是双方都有责任。
所以也不能一棒子打死，只要男人有了外遇就不能要了。
LZ最需要做的是，自己静下心来想想两个人的问题根基在那里。两个人是不是就真的过不下去了。
你自己如果是有点小问题,夫妻吵架, 谁家都有的, 两个人能吵, 当然是双方都有问题,否则吵不起来. 所以,他也有问题.
看看可以不可以双方很真诚地交换意见, 看日子过不过得下去, 可以不可以过得更好.
坚强点.
这个lg的确是很没担当又幼稚，但是吵架给人那种生不如死的感觉我是可以理解的。
这种事都要看两面吧。
我倒觉得什么吵架压力大都是在那边找借口胡说八道，最根本的就是找到下家了，wsn...
我觉得光凭电话多就说找到下家太武断了。那个lg肯定现在是对自己家庭生活很不满意，这种时候寄托到虚幻的网络是很有可能的。通常就是现实生活不满，更容易在网络世界找到安慰。当然这个网络的会不会最终发展的现实当中也不好说。
我现在谁也不爱，只想一个人安静的过日子，也许将来会另找一个伴侣度过后半生。能不能请你痛快告诉我，你是否愿意放过我，把离婚手续办了？我还是那句话，如果你要瞒住你家里的话，我可以帮助演戏。
我问他有没有爱上别人，他的回复如下：
我现在谁也不爱，只想一个人安静的过日子，也许将来会另找一个伴侣度过后半生。能不能请你痛快告诉我，你是否愿意放过我，把离婚手续办了？我还是那句话，如果你要瞒住你家里的话，我可以帮助演戏。
SIGH。。。。
那你是想离婚还是不离？
我和LG的家庭正好相反，他的家庭幼年因为贫穷，父母经常吵架，他说他很害怕父母吵架。我的家庭还算和睦，因为我的母亲性格温和懂得忍让，父母之间吵架真的不多，而且都能及时解决，无非是谁的姿态高一点。我和LG没有原则性的分歧，其实我一直想不明白，怎么他就有伤害自己的冲动？长时间的压抑吗？他觉得他是这个家的顶梁柱，我就不该因为一些琐事和他有争执。
lz你不理解。
我父母在我小时候也经常吵架。
孩子的内心很脆弱的
即使是现在，我哪怕是听到陌生人吵架都会很害怕。
所以平常什么事能忍就忍。
真有人要长期和我吵架，（不一定是吵架，就是很aggressive的争论）我是一定受不了的。
有时候，不能将心比心的。每个人的性格和承受能力都不一样。
你觉得没什么的事，在别人看来是disaster
我问他有没有爱上别人，他的回复如下：
我现在谁也不爱，只想一个人安静的过日子，也许将来会另找一个伴侣度过后半生。能不能请你痛快告诉我，你是否愿意放过我，把离婚手续办了？我还是那句话，如果你要瞒住你家里的话，我可以帮助演戏。
呵呵，基本承认了
一个月以后也是将来
mm回到美国了么？先回来吧，开好账户，孩子的赡养费要足了，每月会打到你的帐上。
这样的人，这次吵架找网友排解
以后再找Lp，不信他们不吵架，再吵架还有网友
让他折腾去吧，寄希望于二婚......
现在一婚能找个不图啥死心塌地的人过日子都难呢
别当了人家的搬运工
he tried to communiate with you before about how he felt about fights, but you did not even realize how much he was hurt. man can be hurt too. this is not to say that it was your fault. it is simply to say that you may not be a good match for each other.
if you don't love him, you should let him go; if you love him, you should also let him go at this moment. he already felt that you don't care about how he feels. If you insist on trying, it just make him feel that his voice is again being ignored. it will just make him want to be out more.
By the way, here is an example a husand huaren.used out of the window after having a fight with his wife.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2010/01/14/2010-01-14_shocked_by_nyu_profs_suicide.html
why not really listen to what your husband has to say and try to understand him, rather than to guess his motive and doubt his words? if you can't trust him, why do you still want to be married to him? just because you don't feel the way he feels, doesn't mean that his feelings cannot be validated.
变心的男人是没有办法挽留的 把孩子给他自己再找一个吧
我一直在这里寻求的答案是，想知道他到底是压力问题还是外遇问题。其实想想，这两个问题应该都是有关联的。我现在想的是，是不是他出了一次轨就不能原谅？我也问自己，他一直是这样的人吗？答案是否定的。所以我想，不管他做了什么，说了什么，为了我们好不容易建立的这个家，为了孩子，先改变自己，以最大的包容和努力保持这个家的完整。
努力的结果也许是好也许是坏，不会死缠烂打，不会纠结到底，做到我应该做的，而他依然如故，那就LET HIM GO。
整个的过程，我会在这里一一交代，希望以后回过头来看，知道这段时间是怎么走过的。
life is short, let him go. what he said could very well be true. it does not matter whether he has anyone else or not.
he tried to communiate with you before about how he felt about fights, but you did not even realize how much he was hurt. man can be hurt too. this is not to say that it was your fault. it is simply to say that you may not be a good match for each other.
if you don't love him, you should let him go; if you love him, you should also let him go at this moment. he already felt that you don't care about how he feels. If you insist on trying, it just make him feel that his voice is again being ignored. it will just make him want to be out more.
By the way, here is an example a husand huaren.used out of the window after having a fight with his wife.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2010/01/14/2010-01-14_shocked_by_nyu_profs_suicide.html
why not really listen to what your husband has to say and try to understand him, rather than to guess his motive and doubt his words? if you can't trust him, why do you still want to be married to him? just because you don't feel the way he feels, doesn't mean that his feelings cannot be validated.
Sigh, he's quite famous, may him rest in peace.
我愿意和他过下去的理由不仅仅是有个孩子，而是在这之前他算是一个好丈夫好父亲。我一直把他想的太过坚强，觉得什么压力对他都不是问题。当然我也知道他压力大，论文上的，工作上的，经济上的，可是除了每天给他做好吃的，把家里收拾的干干净净，把宝宝带好，却没有从思想上帮他排解压力也没有给他切实的帮助。他认识的我是一个能力很强的人，无论是在工作上还是在生活上，但是来美国这些年我把做一个好的HOUSEWIFE作为我生活的重点，和他的期望的我有很大落差吧。至于说吵架，我们对这个事情的认识和承受能力不一样，我觉得夫妻之间有争执很正常，床头吵架床尾和，没有隔夜的气，也许这种事情冷处理效果可能更好。
我一直在这里寻求的答案是，想知道他到底是压力问题还是外遇问题。其实想想，这两个问题应该都是有关联的。我现在想的是，是不是他出了一次轨就不能原谅？我也问自己，他一直是这样的人吗？答案是否定的。所以我想，不管他做了什么，说了什么，为了我们好不容易建立的这个家，为了孩子，先改变自己，以最大的包容和努力保持这个家的完整。
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand.
1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward.
2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband.
3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns.
4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand.
1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward.
2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband.
3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns.
4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Even though it seems hard to you now, I think this is the only way that you have chances to get him back..i.e. step back and give him some space now. And hopefully he will come to think about the positive or happy moments in marriage and is willing to give it another try. You need to stand back and give him whatever support he needs when both of you are apart. Anyhow, he will need to stay in touch for kids' sake. Sometimes letting it go is a stepping forward. Good luck. By the way, fight between couples is common but it does not mean it is good. It hurts feelings and does damage to marriage, by all means.
不经历一些事情对人的认识也不会全面，或者正如我家人所说，生活的经验太少。对他，我现在也有重新的认识，他的能力不足以去处理各种复杂的问题，这次所表现出来的逃避和没有担当，也说明他不是一个责任心那么强的人。也许从前把他想像的或者他表现的太过完美。现在知道了，也能够更全面的认识他。不管怎么说，人最主要的还是要靠自己。
努力的结果也许是好也许是坏，不会死缠烂打，不会纠结到底，做到我应该做的，而他依然如故，那就LET HIM GO。
整个的过程，我会在这里一一交代，希望以后回过头来看，知道这段时间是怎么走过的。
bless
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand.
1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward.
2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband.
3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns.
4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Agree.
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand.
1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward.
2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband.
3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns.
4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
Re~~~
可以确定的是他就是想靠逃避来解决问题，这可能是他不给你们打电话的原因，同样也是决定不再见面就要和你离婚的原因。始终认为有了孩子，离婚就要慎重了，尤其孩子还这么小。既然你是个好强的人，那么你就有可能有好强的人的通病：太较真，或者说要求太高，不知道这是不是你们吵架的根源。
先不要对他死缠，走走边缘路线，从婆家人那里探听一下口风，了解一下真实的情况。不管你们闹得有多僵，婆家还是要问候的，尤其快过年了。同时准备在国内找工作。美国总是要回来一次的，即使你们决定离婚，也要面对面说再见，这样你才能move on。
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand.
1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward.
2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband.
3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns.
4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
看了你的留言，我觉得我LG应该就是这么想的，谢谢你给我提供了一个新的角度看问题。
我觉得你老公称不上什么好父亲，如果你回去几个月他都没有打电话给你们。
可以确定的是他就是想靠逃避来解决问题，这可能是他不给你们打电话的原因，同样也是决定不再见面就要和你离婚的原因。始终认为有了孩子，离婚就要慎重了，尤其孩子还这么小。既然你是个好强的人，那么你就有可能有好强的人的通病：太较真，或者说要求太高，不知道这是不是你们吵架的根源。
先不要对他死缠，走走边缘路线，从婆家人那里探听一下口风，了解一下真实的情况。不管你们闹得有多僵，婆家还是要问候的，尤其快过年了。同时准备在国内找工作。美国总是要回来一次的，即使你们决定离婚，也要面对面说再见，这样你才能move on。
你说的对。我有我性格上的缺陷，较真，对感情要求高。过去想不开的是，他什么都没有也没有关系，就是看中他的好脾气才决定要嫁给他。到了美国，也许因为事情太多，也许因为学习压力大，渐渐消磨掉了他的耐心，而我还总以从前的标准要求他，觉得他对我没有从前那么好。吵架次数也就多了。但是最近这三年里，从我自身的感觉，我对他真的很好。有了孩子以后，更是觉得我们三个是一个整体，相依为命，对他更加好。唯一我和他纠结的事情就是我不喜欢他上网聊天，也发现他常常看未名交友，常常看天天论坛上的征婚帖子，曾经跟我说过，他还没有相过亲，都不知道相亲是什么感觉，另外还有一些话，让我觉得他对一些事情充满好奇，很想尝试。我觉得他说的是真心话，但是我分辨不出，说和做有多大的距离。他的这些话我不知道我应不应该当真，心情不好的时候我就当真了，觉得他有这个想法就会去做，而这些是我无法接受的。这是近几年我们吵架的起因。
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/1/20 20:03:52编辑过]
你说的对。我有我性格上的缺陷，较真，对感情要求高。过去想不开的是，他什么都没有也没有关系，就是看中他的好脾气才决定要嫁给他。到了美国，也许因为事情太多，也许因为学习压力大，渐渐消磨掉了他的耐心，而我还总以从前的标准要求他，觉得他对我没有从前那么好。吵架次数也就多了。但是最近这三年里，从我自身的感觉，我对他真的很好。有了孩子以后，更是觉得我们三个是一个整体，相依为命，对他更加好。唯一我和他纠结的事情就是我不喜欢他上网聊天，也发现他常常看未名交友，常常看天天论坛上的征婚帖子，曾经跟我说过，他还没有相过亲，都不知道相亲是什么感觉，另外还有一些话，让我觉得他对一些事情充满好奇，很想尝试。我觉得他说的是真心话，但是我分辨不出，说和做有多大的距离。他的这些话我不知道我应不应该当真，心情不好的时候我就当真了，觉得他有这个想法就会去做，而这些是我无法接受的。这是近几年我们吵架的起因。
这种做法，那一定是他在潜意识对你不满意，我认识的一个男人也是这样，自己有女朋友了还整天上珍爱，张罗着让他妈帮他交中介费然后认识人，动不动就跟他女朋友说又有几个什么条件的给他发消息了，然后居然还想让女朋友给他参考一下，我觉得那不是自己内心自卑想要寻求这种安慰来建立自己自信的话，那就一定是他压根就没把现在的女友当回事，这是典型的不负责任，如果一个男人连责任都不想对你负，你还能指望他对你多忠贞？对他好不好是一回事，给他的是不是他想要的，是另一回事，如果他不想要你，你对他再好，他也能找出你的不好来，你对他温柔，他会说你没个性，你对他有个性，他又会反过来说你不够顺从，但是如果他爱你，无论你怎么不好，在他眼里那都是可爱。
以下是引用Emichan在1/15/2010 12:43:00 PM的发言：
我倒觉得什么吵架压力大都是在那边找借口胡说八道，最根本的就是找到下家了，wsn...
读完了再想想如何跟LG 交往 - 特别是那些脾气不好的老婆 （我也是其中一个） 我第一次读的时候很震撼 - 不得不承认，很多时候， 是女人的错！
如果你爱他, 就应该给他他要的--平静的生活. 如果你不爱他, 那留着他做什么?
别忘了替孩子争取赡养费.
每次看到这样的帖子，我都有强烈的欲望要姐妹们先读这本书：The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, － Laura Schlessinger （Dr. Laura) google 一下也可。 中文版有， 《懂得体贴》。 读完了再想想如何跟LG 交往 - 特别是那些脾气不好的老婆 （我也是其中一个） 我第一次读的时候很震撼 - 不得不承认，很多时候， 是女人的错！
我也挺震撼的，才发现自己是这么的不了解男人。
每次看到这样的帖子，我都有强烈的欲望要姐妹们先读这本书：The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, － Laura Schlessinger （Dr. Laura) google 一下也可。 中文版有， 《懂得体贴》。 读完了再想想如何跟LG 交往 - 特别是那些脾气不好的老婆 （我也是其中一个） 我第一次读的时候很震撼 - 不得不承认，很多时候， 是女人的错！
发个帖写写读书笔记吧~~
随便你，反正你回到美国来也不能改变我离婚的决心。但是我得告诉你，没有机票钱了，我买电脑、买车、两个房子的房租、上次你的机票，折腾下来已经没钱了。
他现在这样的态度，我该带孩子回去吗？
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/1/22 14:46:26编辑过]
在我带不带孩子回去的问题上，他开始是极力反对，说要做论文要面试，我们回去他还要找房子搬家，说不知道怎么调整心情面对我和孩子。本来这个月初回去的，因为一些原因后来又取消了机票。今天我再次表达了我要带孩子回去，他的新邮件如下：
随便你，反正你回到美国来也不能改变我离婚的决心。但是我得告诉你，没有机票钱了，我买电脑、买车、两个房子的房租、上次你的机票，折腾下来已经没钱了。
他现在这样的态度，我该带孩子回去吗？
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/1/22 14:46:26编辑过]
我觉得你老公已经不是不爱你，而是根本厌恶你了。原谅我话说得这么直。因为我以前恋爱的时候对EX也有过这种感觉，恨不得赶紧摆脱为快。你越是想改善，逼得越是紧，他就会越是厌恶。我觉得你一楼贴的他的话是他的心声，10年8年以后，他也许能再想到你的好，但是现在只想摆脱了。我的建议，还是分手吧，这样下去，大家都会痛苦。
嫁的不好,不如不嫁...
另外LZ好像还是很爱自己LG的，准备原谅他，改变自己。那就努力一下。
他现在恨不能我马上在离婚协议书上签字，还说毕业前他找时间回国办手续。这个情况，我回美国好还是不回去的好？
坚决不离，任凭他怎么挑衅。他现在巴不得你让地儿呢，不能遂了他的愿。所以你现在就是猫起来，坚决不回美国。看那个小三能坚持多久。私下里再偷偷的给自己找，找到好的再离，找不到好的你就拖他一辈子。下次再跟他沟通时表达出“死你也跟他死在一起”这个意愿。
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/1/22 21:29:05编辑过]
若真的搞到最后必须离孩子无法安排再送回去也不晚。 钱的问题， 能借就借 - 日后工作了，回头看看也不多的了。 不要为了小钱而做错误决定。
祝福你。
以下是引用世间的事在1/22/2010 6:59:00 PM的发言：
他现在恨不能我马上在离婚协议书上签字，还说毕业前他找时间回国办手续。这个情况，我回美国好还是不回去的好？
[此贴子已经被作者于2010/1/23 15:56:25编辑过]
如果在美国离婚，这次回去我带着孩子好还是不带孩子好？
先别带孩子了，自己一个人把事情搞定。因为你肯定会很忙，带个孩子会麻烦更多。
我准备过完年带孩子回去，他回信说他要2月底，3月初回来离婚。我还要不要去美国？
他就急着和你离婚？有没有讨论过孩子的抚养等相关问题？他是不是一点都不关心你们的小孩啊？
国内的这方面的法律好像不完善，如果你们在国内离，而他又是一个不讲旧情的人，你有可能一分钱的抚养费都拿不到，这样对孩子将来的成长不利（你一个人养肯定会很辛苦的）。而且我想是不是最好等到他找到工作以后离，这样他的抚养费是不是会付得高一些？仅供参考。。。。
我准备过完年带孩子回去，他回信说他要2月底，3月初回来离婚。我还要不要去美国？
你告诉他, 离婚得商量着来. 如果他一心想自己如意, 不管你和孩子, 你也不会让他如意.
为了孩子的赡养费, 最好是在美国离.
如果在中国离, 他人在美国住, 离完以后几乎可以把所有的义务都赖掉了.
如果在美国离, 法院判他付多少赡养费, 那么是直接从收入里扣, 不用你每个月象求他施舍一样和他要钱.
所以应该在美国离.
过完年, 2/15对吧, 然后你就去美国, 和他谈条件.
条件不满意就不离, 拖着.
不可以呆在中国, 如果他在美国法院提交离婚, 你在中国不回复, 美国法院就按缺席审理了, 对你不利.
孩子带不带, 要看你对孩子有多放心了. 如果离婚要谈条件/拖个3-6个月, 你舍得这么久看不见孩子吗?
我刚才看到后面的回帖，有mm说不离婚，采取随他怎么出轨，女方一直拖到找到下家。。。。反对一下。今天看lzmm帖子的，明天不会去关心你当初做这种选择是出于什么原因有多迫不得已。只要你没离婚就找下家，华人圈子里肯定被人骂死。虽然听lzmm的口吻不象会那么做的人，我还是罗嗦一句，怕你一时糊涂。
以下是引用icecreamgreentea在1/18/2010 7:13:00 AM的发言：
Sorry if this sounds cruel to you, but you still don't seem to understand.
1. it is him who wants to get a divorce and not you, so you don't really have much barginning power in this negotiation. It is not a matter whether you can forgive him, he cann't forgive you for ignoring his feelings. In this sense, it does not matter whether he is having an affair or not. To seek the answer to this question is pointless. It is not like that he has had an affair but still wants to remain married, in that case, you would have your say in how things will move forward.
2. you still think it is not a big deal to fight, but clearly it means differently to your husband.
3. he may not need you to 'help him' in terms of actually doing this or doing that. what he really needs from you is for you to understand him, not to fight with him frequently, and to give him a peaceful life. I bet he would be happier with someone who does not do as much cleanning as you do, who may not help him with his career, but who actually cares about his feelings and who would listen to him when he voices his concerns.
4. if you really want to keep this marriage, stop accusing him for having an affair, apologize to him for ignoring his feelings, give him some space, leave the decision to him and tell him that you would support him and his decision and do the best for him. And tell him that you would try to adjust yourself for this family and ask him to give you a second chance when he is ready. This is the only way that he may come back on his own. Until then, all you can do is to leave him alone and try to be happy on your own.
mm跟我想的一样。就不知道lzmm有没有可能完全意识到这点。从心底里的改变跟为了应对这次变故而委曲求全是不一样的。如果不能做到，实在只有离婚一条路可走----不过我还是不希望lzmm离婚。对你们双方、对小孩都是很大的损失。 我刚才看到后面的回帖，有mm说不离婚，采取随他怎么出轨，女方一直拖到找到下家。。。。反对一下。今天看lzmm帖子的，明天不会去关心你当初做这种选择是出于什么原因有多迫不得已。只要你没离婚就找下家，华人圈子里肯定被人骂死。虽然听lzmm的口吻不象会那么做的人，我还是罗嗦一句，怕你一时糊涂。
谢谢MM的提醒。在这个问题上，我有我自己的原则，只要我和他还在婚姻维系期内，我不会对他在这个方面有一丝一毫的伤害。不管他做了什么。
你告诉他, 离婚得商量着来. 如果他一心想自己如意, 不管你和孩子, 你也不会让他如意.
为了孩子的赡养费, 最好是在美国离.
如果在中国离, 他人在美国住, 离完以后几乎可以把所有的义务都赖掉了.
如果在美国离, 法院判他付多少赡养费, 那么是直接从收入里扣, 不用你每个月象求他施舍一样和他要钱.
所以应该在美国离.
过完年, 2/15对吧, 然后你就去美国, 和他谈条件.
条件不满意就不离, 拖着.
不可以呆在中国, 如果他在美国法院提交离婚, 你在中国不回复, 美国法院就按缺席审理了, 对你不利.
孩子带不带, 要看你对孩子有多放心了. 如果离婚要谈条件/拖个3-6个月, 你舍得这么久看不见孩子吗?
我还是先带宝宝回去，看情况再决定把宝宝送不送回来。离婚，肯定是要在美国离的，这个我也明白。
另外如果你有信心好好对待老公，不发脾气，像他说的安静平和一些，其实大家将来都幸福，没必要离婚
如果我在你的位置，会先会美国和老公一起生活，争取每天都开心（带不带宝宝取决于哪样更会让你们开心）
然后老公说啥都不跟他争论，拖着，拖着拖着等生活状态改变了他就不提了