zifang 发表于 2025-05-12 12:49 谢谢! Microaggressions are subtle, often unintentional behaviors or comments that convey negative or stereotypical assumptions about a person, causing discomfort or harm. Unlike overt bullying, these acts are harder to call out due to their ambiguity, but intent isn’t required for harm。 我觉得我女儿遇到的情况和这个microaggression比较像。 我同意,最重要的是帮助我女儿自己的应对。但是我还应该和学校继续掰扯这件事吗?谢谢!
zifang 发表于 2025-05-12 12:49 谢谢! Microaggressions are subtle, often unintentional behaviors or comments that convey negative or stereotypical assumptions about a person, causing discomfort or harm. Unlike overt bullying, these acts are harder to call out due to their ambiguity, but intent isn’t required for harm。 我觉得我女儿遇到的情况和这个microaggression比较像。 我同意,最重要的是帮助我女儿自己的应对。但是我还应该和学校继续掰扯这件事吗?谢谢!
关于学校方面的处理: 🧭 目前学校处理的问题点 从你描述的情况来看,校方的回应有以下问题: 简化了问题的性质 把你女儿的感受归为 “misread social cue”,这是一个带有轻视意味的说法。这种微妙的排挤、假热情+实际冷漠的行为,其实是典型的relational aggression(关系性攻击),在女孩子中非常常见,研究也表明对受害者伤害极大。 缺乏调查透明度 校方没有告诉你他们具体做了什么调查:有无问询相关目击同学?是否单独谈过A同学?有没有考虑行为是否具有重复性和针对性? 态度轻率 写错你女儿的名字说明他们不够重视,这可以合理地作为你提出更正式反馈的切入点。 ✅ 你可以采取的下一步行动建议 1. 要求正式的、书面调查说明(not just a summary) 可以回复如下内容(可中英双语备好):
“Thank you for the summary. We appreciate your response. However, considering the impact on my daughter and the repeated nature of the behavior, we would like to request a more detailed, written report of the steps taken during the investigation—who was interviewed, what specific incidents were reviewed, and how the conclusion was drawn. This would help us understand how the outcome was reached.”
“What my daughter experienced aligns with what psychologists term ‘relational aggression,’ a form of repeated, intentional social exclusion and manipulation. These are not simple misunderstandings. We hope the school can take these subtle yet harmful dynamics seriously.”
deapsea 发表于 2025-05-12 12:43 不知道你们是不是新搬到这个初中的,基本所有people of color女生by the time of 4th grade,都已经了解了自己是不可能和本地白人女做朋友的(移民东欧白女孩和犹太人有可能),如果你女儿还在回应对方白女的不管什么cue吧,这个应该就是missed the cue for a very very long time了,好些年了吧。多了解历史,社会构成,每个种族都是什么情况和地位,有帮助你女儿找到朋友。
那我看岔了,不好意思,孩子自己去file的report,那真是不好处理,学校那边可以点出名字错了,谢谢他们的time and attention, 但这个结论你们with all due respect, cannot agree。 别的要不要说你酌情考虑。啥都不说,让自己硬吞,看你和你女儿的性格也很难吞下去,你表达自己的看法还是可以的吧,也没给人家提要求,也没说过头话,我觉得可以。
那我看岔了,不好意思,孩子自己去file的report,那真是不好处理,学校那边可以点出名字错了,谢谢他们的time and attention, 但这个结论你们with all due respect, cannot agree。 别的要不要说你酌情考虑。啥都不说,让自己硬吞,看你和你女儿的性格也很难吞下去,你表达自己的看法还是可以的吧,也没给人家提要求,也没说过头话,我觉得可以。 PositivelyNaked 发表于 2025-05-12 14:15
非常感谢你的回复!我其实很感谢大家的回复。我老公觉得我小题大做。我刚才把学校的报告贴到 grok3里面去。回答完全是站在我孩子一边的,是让对方去注意边界,根本不是学校的结论。 我贴的如下,我没有添加任何背景情况: A and her parents reported that she is experiencing harassment from student #2 who has been loudly greeting A and claiming, "You are my best friend." A asserts that they are not friends and feels that student #2 is mocking her. Student #2 stated that her comments, including calling A her "best friend," were meant in a lighthearted manner, akin to typical social interactions. 答复: In this situation, lighthearted manner refers to Student #2''s claim that her loud greetings and calling A her "best friend" were intended as playful or friendly gestures, not meant to upset or mock A. She views her actions as casual, typical social interactions, possibly joking or exaggerating for fun, without serious intent. However, A perceives these actions as harassment, feeling mocked and uncomfortable, especially since she does not consider Student #2 a friend. This discrepancy highlights how a "lighthearted" intent can be misinterpreted or unwelcome, depending on the recipient’s perspective and the context of their relationship. To address this: Clarify intentions and impact: A mediator (e.g., teacher or counselor) could help Student #2 understand that her actions, though meant playfully, are distressing A. Set boundaries: A could be supported in communicating her discomfort directly or through an adult, asking Student #2 to stop. Educate on social cues: Student #2 may need guidance on reading others’ reactions and respecting boundaries in social interactions. This case shows that what one person sees as lighthearted can feel invasive or mocking to another, especially if the relationship isn’t close or if the behavior is persistent despite discomfort.
非常感谢你的回复!我其实很感谢大家的回复。我老公觉得我小题大做。我刚才把 written summary 贴到 grok3里面去。回答完全是站在我孩子一边的,是让对方去注意边界,根本不是学校的结论。 我贴的如下,我没有添加任何背景情况: A and her parents reported that she is experiencing harassment from student #2 who has been loudly greeting A and claiming, "You are my best friend." A asserts that they are not friends and feels that student #2 is mocking her. Student #2 stated that her comments, including calling A her "best friend," were meant in a lighthearted manner, akin to typical social interactions. 答复: In this situation, lighthearted manner refers to Student #2's claim that her loud greetings and calling A her "best friend" were intended as playful or friendly gestures, not meant to upset or mock A. She views her actions as casual, typical social interactions, possibly joking or exaggerating for fun, without serious intent. However, A perceives these actions as harassment, feeling mocked and uncomfortable, especially since she does not consider Student #2 a friend. This discrepancy highlights how a "lighthearted" intent can be misinterpreted or unwelcome, depending on the recipient’s perspective and the context of their relationship. To address this: Clarify intentions and impact: A mediator (e.g., teacher or counselor) could help Student #2 understand that her actions, though meant playfully, are distressing A. Set boundaries: A could be supported in communicating her discomfort directly or through an adult, asking Student #2 to stop. Educate on social cues: Student #2 may need guidance on reading others’ reactions and respecting boundaries in social interactions. This case shows that what one person sees as lighthearted can feel invasive or mocking to another, especially if the relationship isn’t close or if the behavior is persistent despite discomfort. zifang 发表于 2025-05-12 14:30
我把我放在你女儿的位置,我很认同对方的行为很不友善,她觉得upset很应该,file report也没错,你如果说她小题大做会很让她confused。学校那边公校就是这样,老师对学生的百分比在那,以后出社会也是这样,个人的feeling会经常被neglected,所以我们更要自己take care of 我们自己的feelings,同时也尊重和不伤害别人的感受。 如果只是为了这件事,没必要带她去看心理医生,会让她觉得是自己做错了。
PositivelyNaked 发表于 2025-05-12 14:38 我把我放在你女儿的位置,我很认同对方的行为很不友善,她觉得upset很应该,file report也没错,你如果说她小题大做会很让她confused。学校那边公校就是这样,老师对学生的百分比在那,以后出社会也是这样,个人的feeling会经常被neglected,所以我们更要自己take care of 我们自己的feelings,同时也尊重和不伤害别人的感受。 如果只是为了这件事,没必要带她去看心理医生,会让她觉得是自己做错了。
人最终是要跟自己和解的。 遇到让自己upset的事情,选择无非就是俩,要么硬着头皮上,要么阿q装死。 谁都想争取自己的利益,能硬上自然愿意硬上,但是硬上有成本的,你得算算这成本你愿不愿意负担。有本事赢,没本事输。你要是能输了不内耗,也算降低了成本。如果你非得硬上输了还内耗,那还不如一开始就阿q。 你家连孩子带大人都是一根筋脑子缺根弦那种,不如一开始就阿q,把anchor point放在做个好人control what you can control上得了,真做好了也过的不会差。不要心气那么高。
zifang 发表于 2025-05-12 14:30 非常感谢你的回复!我其实很感谢大家的回复。我老公觉得我小题大做。我刚才把学校的报告贴到 grok3里面去。回答完全是站在我孩子一边的,是让对方去注意边界,根本不是学校的结论。 我贴的如下,我没有添加任何背景情况: A and her parents reported that she is experiencing harassment from student #2 who has been loudly greeting A and claiming, "You are my best friend." A asserts that they are not friends and feels that student #2 is mocking her. Student #2 stated that her comments, including calling A her "best friend," were meant in a lighthearted manner, akin to typical social interactions. 答复: In this situation, lighthearted manner refers to Student #2''s claim that her loud greetings and calling A her "best friend" were intended as playful or friendly gestures, not meant to upset or mock A. She views her actions as casual, typical social interactions, possibly joking or exaggerating for fun, without serious intent. However, A perceives these actions as harassment, feeling mocked and uncomfortable, especially since she does not consider Student #2 a friend. This discrepancy highlights how a "lighthearted" intent can be misinterpreted or unwelcome, depending on the recipient’s perspective and the context of their relationship. To address this: Clarify intentions and impact: A mediator (e.g., teacher or counselor) could help Student #2 understand that her actions, though meant playfully, are distressing A. Set boundaries: A could be supported in communicating her discomfort directly or through an adult, asking Student #2 to stop. Educate on social cues: Student #2 may need guidance on reading others’ reactions and respecting boundaries in social interactions. This case shows that what one person sees as lighthearted can feel invasive or mocking to another, especially if the relationship isn’t close or if the behavior is persistent despite discomfort.
first and foremost, bully回去。咱国人有时候就是太君子,这个白mean女怎么对你女儿你女儿就对等对她,敢举报我们就反手一个misread social cue and we meant nothing harmful just wanted to reciprocate in the same way。其次,中学小女生的bully懂得都懂,你把她当回事儿就是给她脸了。最后,继续往上appeal就不信没个管事儿的,还有就是心理医生看起来,到时候也有证据说理。
孩子爸爸什么想法呢?
别找学校拌了,你这样会对你女儿以后的社交更雪上加霜
lz, ChatGPT最后的建议我没贴,就是学校的那一部分,我帮你继续深化了prompt,篇幅长,我贴在另一个楼里,但是你女儿能怎么回击的方法,下面有更多细节,GPT能提供英文版。重要的是不像这个楼里其他教你女儿无视的回复,你女儿其实可以有不同层次subtle的反击办法。我不建议当鸵鸟: 策略回应法:细化版本 1. 自信直接型(适合内心坚定、有一定表达能力的孩子) 这些回应方式帮助孩子用清晰、坚定的话语设立边界,不失礼貌也不软弱。 “我更喜欢和真正关心我的人做朋友。” “你总是说一套做一套,我不太喜欢这样。” “你说我是你最好的朋友,但你好像不太在意我说什么。” ✅ 练习建议:可以和女儿练习用自然语气说这些话,比如对着镜子、或和你做角色扮演。 2. 冷静疏远型(适合不喜欢冲突、但希望保护自己的孩子) 这些回应帮助孩子优雅地退出对话,不正面冲突,但表达出“我不吃你这一套”。 “哦,我现在有点事,先走了。”(然后走开) “你说的让我有点困惑,我去找其他朋友聊聊。” (对方收回hi five)“没关系,我给自己打一个!”(自信地给自己击掌) ✅ 这类回应的重点:保持冷静,让对方无法继续操控对话。 3. 装傻拆台型(适合比较幽默、表达能力强的孩子) 这类回应把对方的“假热情”当真,表面上天真回应,实际让对方下不来台。 “哇,我居然是你最好的朋友?我都不知道呢!” “你是不是看错人了?刚刚我和你说话你怎么像看不见我一样?” “你是不是在玩‘忽视游戏’?要不要我也一起玩吗?” ✅ 小心使用:这类方式比较“反击性”,适合孩子情绪稳定、有安全感的场合使用。 4. 提问式反制(让对方意识到她的行为被看穿) 这是一种比较高阶的方式,用提问引发对方的自省。 “你为什么这样做啊?” “你刚刚说我是你最好的朋友,那你怎么又好像不想理我?” “你是在开玩笑吗?我听不太懂。” ✅ 优点:语气温和,但非常有效地让对方感到尴尬或被识破。 🌱 实际训练建议 和孩子用角色扮演的方式练习,比如你扮演那个女生,她练习回应。 鼓励她在真实场景中哪怕只说出一句“我不喜欢你这样对我”,都是很棒的第一步。 强调“不是要变得对抗性强”,而是“要学会保护自己,表达不舒服的感受”。
GPT said: 1. 书面澄清与补充报告错误 对校方报告中名字写错这件事,一定要书面指出,并要求他们更新正式记录。这是基本尊重,也能体现你认真对待此事。 同时,要求校方将“misread social cue”是否是正式调查结论明确写入书面报告中。让他们为自己的判断承担责任。 2. 用更明确的语言记录“欺凌模式” 可重新整理你女儿经历的具体事件列表(哪天,在哪儿,做了什么,谁在场),发给校方,附上一句:“我们认为这些行为构成了基于社交操控的欺凌(social manipulation),这是bullying的一种形式。” 提醒学校:欺凌不只包括身体攻击或脏话,也包括嘲弄、排挤、冷暴力等手段,特别是针对内向学生时更难被识别,但伤害并不小。
前两条都很赞成。
我有没有OCD?我小时候或者现在都没有丢三落四的情况。我一直是很谨慎的性格,喜欢有秩序。
小时候有一次春游,我想带着随身听(你们年轻人可能都没用过),但是担心万一丢了怎么办,最后我就主动没有带去春游。
高考前半年多,我家一个亲戚邀请我家人去旅游,那个年代能出去旅游是很难得的机会。我主动提出我不去了,因为我要自己在家学习。最后就是那十几天我自己在家。我的性格中确实有这种风格。
画画,远的她觉得路途太累。我家附近的画画学校,要么随便画画的那种风格,要么是针对比赛和拿奖的那种风格。她愿意的画,我什么风格都行。大约1、2年前,我收到她的中学的美术老师的通知,交几个自己的作品,可以申请一个学校的特殊的美术课。她提交了,但是最后没被选上。大约一年后,她说这次她不想提交了。我也没说什么,没有鼓励她。
拍掌的事,是孩子自己file bully report里面提到的一个例子,不是我非往哪儿整。这通篇只是bully, 没有提到种族。
孩子爸爸主张不作为。但是孩子爸爸一直是比较躲避、怕事的性格。
我们从她上幼儿园就一直住在这个镇子,不是新搬家来的。
有需要继续联系学校就继续联系,初中了老师能做的事有限。还是赶紧看起来therapist
那我看岔了,不好意思,孩子自己去file的report,那真是不好处理,学校那边可以点出名字错了,谢谢他们的time and attention, 但这个结论你们with all due respect, cannot agree。 别的要不要说你酌情考虑。啥都不说,让自己硬吞,看你和你女儿的性格也很难吞下去,你表达自己的看法还是可以的吧,也没给人家提要求,也没说过头话,我觉得可以。
这种事情在国内也有呀,你上学的时候没碰到过吗?我在学校,我看到其他女生对我同桌也这样,反正初中嘛,小女生都会搞点小动作的,没什么大不了,叫你女儿不要玻璃心,不要理会这种人也不要交她为朋友就是了。没必要太在乎这种人啦。
具体怎么做?性格绵的孩子可能真的不会,要手把手教。如果娃本来就强势,那一点就通,搞不好已经这样干了
非常感谢你的回复!我其实很感谢大家的回复。我老公觉得我小题大做。我刚才把学校的报告贴到 grok3里面去。回答完全是站在我孩子一边的,是让对方去注意边界,根本不是学校的结论。
我贴的如下,我没有添加任何背景情况: A and her parents reported that she is experiencing harassment from student #2 who has been loudly greeting A and claiming, "You are my best friend." A asserts that they are not friends and feels that student #2 is mocking her. Student #2 stated that her comments, including calling A her "best friend," were meant in a lighthearted manner, akin to typical social interactions.
答复: In this situation, lighthearted manner refers to Student #2''s claim that her loud greetings and calling A her "best friend" were intended as playful or friendly gestures, not meant to upset or mock A. She views her actions as casual, typical social interactions, possibly joking or exaggerating for fun, without serious intent. However, A perceives these actions as harassment, feeling mocked and uncomfortable, especially since she does not consider Student #2 a friend. This discrepancy highlights how a "lighthearted" intent can be misinterpreted or unwelcome, depending on the recipient’s perspective and the context of their relationship. To address this: Clarify intentions and impact: A mediator (e.g., teacher or counselor) could help Student #2 understand that her actions, though meant playfully, are distressing A. Set boundaries: A could be supported in communicating her discomfort directly or through an adult, asking Student #2 to stop. Educate on social cues: Student #2 may need guidance on reading others’ reactions and respecting boundaries in social interactions. This case shows that what one person sees as lighthearted can feel invasive or mocking to another, especially if the relationship isn’t close or if the behavior is persistent despite discomfort.
我小时候在国内约到这种情况,就和对方打一架,其实也打不赢,就是打个平手,tie,然后以后就互不理睬了。但是我女儿觉得和人打架简直是疯了,不可想象,可能不适合美国的情况,或者不适合我女儿吧。
我把我放在你女儿的位置,我很认同对方的行为很不友善,她觉得upset很应该,file report也没错,你如果说她小题大做会很让她confused。学校那边公校就是这样,老师对学生的百分比在那,以后出社会也是这样,个人的feeling会经常被neglected,所以我们更要自己take care of 我们自己的feelings,同时也尊重和不伤害别人的感受。
如果只是为了这件事,没必要带她去看心理医生,会让她觉得是自己做错了。
谢谢!不是只为了这件事,去见心理医生。想见心理医生主要是这几点1)不自信,2)没朋友,感到很孤独,3)看看是不是有注意力不集中ADHD的问题,4)看看是不是有强迫症OCD的问题,因为一直有扣手指甲的问题
懂了。自己的孩子自己心疼,不管别人怎么说,那都是别人,他们不认识你的孩子,不能共情是很正常的,你是她的妈妈,即使不能帮她想怎么样就怎么样,但能共情懂她means a lot to her。 比心♥️
这种micro aggression的事情说白了是属于这个年龄的孩子可以自己解决的问题。你解决不了,学校帮你stop了, 事情就到此为止。 这也是你要appreciate学校的effort。
校方的意思就是we don’t give a shit about what happened to you。
初中生了,你应该给女儿更多的空间自己去探索
见过有的中国女孩子在这方面就非常恶劣,嫉妒心极强,专门孤立比她们优秀的孩子。最差劲的是父母乐见其成,所以这些女孩子的做法都是从家里可以找到根源的。
是的 当然其他种族也有 女生容易有这样的孤立
是的,不管什么种族和年龄,孩子心理都是有判断是非的能力的。我孩子也在学校被两个中国女孩毫无理由的排挤和孤立,虽然她一直尽力在很多方面帮助她们。我们父母在此之前还都是朋友。女孩子的嫉妒心不能小觑,那些平时看起来友善的家长的心理阴暗程度也不是我所能预料到的。事后对方家长一声不吭,完全是默许孩子这么做的。我娃因为这件事反而交了更多的朋友,class很多人选她是best character,她自此终于体会到什么是真正的朋友,虽然这么小就接触到人性的阴暗,但是这件事对孩子的成长是一个很大的促进
这种故事都是两面的。 这个“优秀”的孩子有没有secret bully, emotional bully这个中国女孩呢? 只要不是拉帮结派找其他人孤立一个孩子, 只是自己stay away, 不应该被带上孤立的帽子。 人有选择朋友的自由。
我也觉得不需要在乎这种人,甚至花自己宝贵时间跟她们斗。不理就好了,有些人根本不值得你浪费你的时间啊。多参加集体活动,会交到很多兴趣爱好相同的朋友。
不需要打架,就是对方再次很热情打招呼,就礼貌回个招呼走人就好,不需要多花时间在这几个女的身上。对方说你是她做好的朋友,就微微一笑谢谢完了,走过就好。自己心里清楚对方是什么样的人,是自己不需要为对方生气,为对方多花时间的人就行了
从小到大参加任何集体课外班了吗?如果有应该都会找到兴趣相投的朋友的,如果一直没有朋友,之前没有发现过吗?如果从小到大没有任何集体课外班,那么家长需要做些调整。 真有心理问题,心理医生需要全家看。