这对公婆估计大闹一通，互相上中英文论坛找帮手。女的说他们很恩爱的。 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17aygw4/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_is_crazy_for_wanting/?share_id=--FvjdURUb6kqN2Xn8bfF&utm_content=2&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1 AITA for telling my wife she is crazy for wanting to pay her parents the same amount of money I owe my parents in student loans. I have 280k in medical school loans. My wife has 0 student loan. My parents agreed to pay off my loans so I can save on paying interest. My wife knew about these loans prior to marriage and understood I would need to pay my parents back. My wife now does not think it’s fair she came with no student loans. I make around 6x more than my wife bc of my education. My wife thinks her parents are being punished for having paid off all her education (college and masters). My wife also points out her parents helped substantially in raising our two kids for the last 5 years (cooking, cleaning, taking the babies at night, live in babysitting, etc) while we work. I owe my parents 280k. Wife wants us to pay her parents 280k as well. Edit: Wife’s parents paid around 200k of her education which we are not expected to pay back. Wife’s parents are well off financially and do not need money. Wife parents love their daughter and wanted to help with the kids for free. But we paid them 1000 a month. Edit 2: In laws do not need or want the money for her education. This is only my wife wanting fairness partially attributed by cultural differences in which parents are expected to pay for all upbringing of children including higher education. I however grew up in the States and do not have the expectation that my parents owe me this. Edit 3: In laws spend the 1000 we pay them to buy groceries for us and to buy things for the kids. If we proceed with paying wife’s parents for student loans, I am certain they won’t spend a dime of it. They will likely leave it for our kids or eventually for us. Her culture expects us to take care of her parents when they get older, living with us, and supported financially. I plan on doing the same for my parents.
回复 10楼jennyjin的帖子 --Edit: Wife’s parents paid around 200k of her education which we are not expected to pay back. 说句实话，男方也不咋的。 不过我同意结婚是整个package。不知道他们婚前协议好了没有。 女方挣钱能力不行，如果还有贷款（贷款父母的），估计她老公也不同意结婚。 但是男方有学贷，应该是婚前交待清楚的。
我也看了Reddit的贴，楼主老公一开始没说楼主爸妈付钱和带娃的事情所以大家都支持老公。后来很多人支持楼主老婆，因为老公确实双标，一方面享受中国culture的免费childcare，一方面要按照美国标准还父母钱，而且还打算按照中国标准照顾他父母晚年。换成看最新回帖模式，外国友人很多表示理解楼主，说老公take advantage of in laws。我觉得这个老婆脑子不清楚，啃了爹妈没啃到公婆不平衡了，老公得了便宜还卖乖，真讲道理就别啃岳父母，不要一边啃一边说老婆是神经病。 I don’t think you (the two of you) will be paying her patents 200k bc admit it, you don’t have it. And I don’t think it’s much a “cultural difference” issue bc let’s just rephrase: husband and wife got married. Wife’s parents provided years of free childcare and even money to the couple when husband was not that rich — we don’t know whether wife scaled back or chose not to advance her career bc of kids. Husband now needs to repay 280k to his parents. Nothing wrong. But Husband is financially capable of paying back bc Husband has not been not paying for nanny, cleaning, housekeeping, and a cook while enjoying free service for years. How is it not taking advantage of the kind and generous in laws? This is not American culture. If I were you, I would set aside funds (much more than 1000 a month) in an account as gratitude for her parents. They may not take it eventually and may well leave it to grandchildren. But this is important to remind both of you not to cue “culture” as an excuse to take parents for granted.
我也看了Reddit的贴，楼主老公一开始没说楼主爸妈付钱和带娃的事情所以大家都支持老公。后来很多人支持楼主老婆，因为老公确实双标，一方面享受中国culture的免费childcare，一方面要按照美国标准还父母钱，而且还打算按照中国标准照顾他父母晚年。换成看最新回帖模式，外国友人很多表示理解楼主，说老公take advantage of in laws。我觉得这个老婆脑子不清楚，啃了爹妈没啃到公婆不平衡了，老公得了便宜还卖乖，真讲道理就别啃岳父母，不要一边啃一边说老婆是神经病。 I don’t think you (the two of you) will be paying her patents 200k bc admit it, you don’t have it. And I don’t think it’s much a “cultural difference” issue bc let’s just rephrase: husband and wife got married. Wife’s parents provided years of free childcare and even money to the couple when husband was not that rich — we don’t know whether wife scaled back or chose not to advance her career bc of kids. Husband now needs to repay 280k to his parents. Nothing wrong. But Husband is financially capable of paying back bc Husband has not been not paying for nanny, cleaning, housekeeping, and a cook while enjoying free service for years. How is it not taking advantage of the kind and generous in laws? This is not American culture. If I were you, I would set aside funds (much more than 1000 a month) in an account as gratitude for her parents. They may not take it eventually and may well leave it to grandchildren. But this is important to remind both of you not to cue “culture” as an excuse to take parents for granted. baobaokitty 发表于 2023-10-19 03:47
咱俩看的是同一个帖子吗，几百个回复中投票高(最高一个2600票)的不都是说那个老公 not the asshole吗？都同意这个是 loan，还钱是合理的，尤其妻子婚前是知道的。难道是我阅读理解有问题？上面有挺多建议的，不少挺不错。隔壁的妻子倒是可以看看。退一万步，现在老公挣大钱了，后面还会更多，现在把28万还给公婆。后面不全是小家的吗？不要只看眼前啊，后面还有几十年呢
re 这男的真不咋地，他的帖子充满了利用文化差异来take advantage of his inlaws。最后还说也准备按照中国文化给他自己的父母养老，那么学费那28万干嘛不按中国文化不需要还他父母了。合着全都按照对自己有利的方法来处理家务事。 这个例子再次证明了婚姻里各方面匹配更重要，而不是拿原生家庭的钱去弥补自己赚钱能力不足的短板，这个女方如果赚钱能力高原生家庭又给力，就不会找个拖着28万学生贷款的男的吧。
我也看了Reddit的贴，楼主老公一开始没说楼主爸妈付钱和带娃的事情所以大家都支持老公。后来很多人支持楼主老婆，因为老公确实双标，一方面享受中国culture的免费childcare，一方面要按照美国标准还父母钱，而且还打算按照中国标准照顾他父母晚年。换成看最新回帖模式，外国友人很多表示理解楼主，说老公take advantage of in laws。我觉得这个老婆脑子不清楚，啃了爹妈没啃到公婆不平衡了，老公得了便宜还卖乖，真讲道理就别啃岳父母，不要一边啃一边说老婆是神经病。 I don’t think you (the two of you) will be paying her patents 200k bc admit it, you don’t have it. And I don’t think it’s much a “cultural difference” issue bc let’s just rephrase: husband and wife got married. Wife’s parents provided years of free childcare and even money to the couple when husband was not that rich — we don’t know whether wife scaled back or chose not to advance her career bc of kids. Husband now needs to repay 280k to his parents. Nothing wrong. But Husband is financially capable of paying back bc Husband has not been not paying for nanny, cleaning, housekeeping, and a cook while enjoying free service for years. How is it not taking advantage of the kind and generous in laws? This is not American culture. If I were you, I would set aside funds (much more than 1000 a month) in an account as gratitude for her parents. They may not take it eventually and may well leave it to grandchildren. But this is important to remind both of you not to cue “culture” as an excuse to take parents for granted. baobaokitty 发表于 2023-10-19 03:47
我也看了Reddit的贴，楼主老公一开始没说楼主爸妈付钱和带娃的事情所以大家都支持老公。后来很多人支持楼主老婆，因为老公确实双标，一方面享受中国culture的免费childcare，一方面要按照美国标准还父母钱，而且还打算按照中国标准照顾他父母晚年。换成看最新回帖模式，外国友人很多表示理解楼主，说老公take advantage of in laws。我觉得这个老婆脑子不清楚，啃了爹妈没啃到公婆不平衡了，老公得了便宜还卖乖，真讲道理就别啃岳父母，不要一边啃一边说老婆是神经病。 I don’t think you (the two of you) will be paying her patents 200k bc admit it, you don’t have it. And I don’t think it’s much a “cultural difference” issue bc let’s just rephrase: husband and wife got married. Wife’s parents provided years of free childcare and even money to the couple when husband was not that rich — we don’t know whether wife scaled back or chose not to advance her career bc of kids. Husband now needs to repay 280k to his parents. Nothing wrong. But Husband is financially capable of paying back bc Husband has not been not paying for nanny, cleaning, housekeeping, and a cook while enjoying free service for years. How is it not taking advantage of the kind and generous in laws? This is not American culture. If I were you, I would set aside funds (much more than 1000 a month) in an account as gratitude for her parents. They may not take it eventually and may well leave it to grandchildren. But this is important to remind both of you not to cue “culture” as an excuse to take parents for granted. baobaokitty 发表于 2023-10-19 03:47
t sounds like her parents contributed a LOT to helping you raise your kids, but you made no mention of how your parents helped with childcare (if at all). Let’s assume that the cost of a full time Nanny who not only helps with 2 kids, but also cooks and cleans… that’s going to run you $6k/month DEAD MINIMUM where I live (bay area). Realistically closer to $8k+ for high quality live in care/help… just for one person. Let’s call it $7k to be generous to you. You said this has been going on for 5 years? So that’s $420k of childcare costs you may have saved due to her parents. As you said, they took the $1000 you paid them and spent that on groceries and kids stuff, so essentially they weren’t paid. reddit里的人 也不傻，人家不知道市场价？
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17aygw4/aita_for_telling_my_wife_she_is_crazy_for_wanting/?share_id=--FvjdURUb6kqN2Xn8bfF&utm_content=2&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1
AITA for telling my wife she is crazy for wanting to pay her parents the same amount of money I owe my parents in student loans. I have 280k in medical school loans. My wife has 0 student loan. My parents agreed to pay off my loans so I can save on paying interest. My wife knew about these loans prior to marriage and understood I would need to pay my parents back. My wife now does not think it’s fair she came with no student loans. I make around 6x more than my wife bc of my education. My wife thinks her parents are being punished for having paid off all her education (college and masters). My wife also points out her parents helped substantially in raising our two kids for the last 5 years (cooking, cleaning, taking the babies at night, live in babysitting, etc) while we work. I owe my parents 280k. Wife wants us to pay her parents 280k as well.
Edit: Wife’s parents paid around 200k of her education which we are not expected to pay back. Wife’s parents are well off financially and do not need money. Wife parents love their daughter and wanted to help with the kids for free. But we paid them 1000 a month.
Edit 2: In laws do not need or want the money for her education. This is only my wife wanting fairness partially attributed by cultural differences in which parents are expected to pay for all upbringing of children including higher education. I however grew up in the States and do not have the expectation that my parents owe me this.
Edit 3: In laws spend the 1000 we pay them to buy groceries for us and to buy things for the kids. If we proceed with paying wife’s parents for student loans, I am certain they won’t spend a dime of it. They will likely leave it for our kids or eventually for us. Her culture expects us to take care of her parents when they get older, living with us, and supported financially. I plan on doing the same for my parents.
🔥 最新回帖
不生孩子未必能年薪百万，但是生孩子对事业 收入影响就是百分之一百的！生理构造，男女在婚姻里，就是女人牺牲更大。
男人要是结婚跟女人要求aa 这种男人就可以滚出
你也别激动，女主说了她家在国内是上中产，父亲体制内闲职，母亲和人合伙有个小产业，家里几套房子。不是穷人，但离富人还差些。 刚结婚时女主肯定是高攀了，父母帮忙也都是知道女儿条件不如男主来帮衬一下。 现在两个孩子都有了，只要女主不作妖，做好贤妻良母就还是美满家庭。 公婆的钱该还就还，别因为这点小钱赖账影响了婚姻。
估计男的一开始也是认为亚裔女不吃香还是白女高级配得上医生。结果没有一个白女看得上他，最后只好退而求其次，找了一个想要快速绿卡的亚裔女结婚。
我知道一个35岁读医学院的，本科学音乐，attending的时候已经45了，二三十万那种专科，干了三年干不动了开始part-time行医同时开展第二职业，她的第二职业就是教给医生怎么开展第二职业🤷
🛋️ 沙发板凳
估计这些都不是你们想要的吧？
我估计男方当时是摸着女方的平胸时，女的要求男的答应这些条件的，男的下半身敌不过上半身，就随口答应了。
这女的好不容易男的工作稳定，现在偏要跳出来追求公平。真是好不容易能吃上宴席了，先去把锅砸了。想啥呢
关键就是：婚后的钱可否用来还一方的婚前贷款？
但是如果不能，估计挣钱多的那一方就不结婚了。
--Edit: Wife’s parents paid around 200k of her education which we are not expected to pay back.
说句实话，男方也不咋的。
不过我同意结婚是整个package。不知道他们婚前协议好了没有。 女方挣钱能力不行，如果还有贷款（贷款父母的），估计她老公也不同意结婚。 但是男方有学贷，应该是婚前交待清楚的。
她这是在华人上学的所谓要给就两边一起给那套吧
男方算清楚女方父母的保姆活计市场价是多少，然后付钱，1000是肯定不够的，当然他想请别人来当保姆也可以
然后家里的房贷啊孩子费用啊吃喝啊，双方aa
各自剩下的钱各自安排，想还钱的还钱，不想的存着
双方父母养老也是，各自负担
这样就不用啥fair不fair了
咱俩看的是同一个帖子吗，几百个回复中投票高(最高一个2600票)的不都是说那个老公 not the asshole吗？都同意这个是 loan，还钱是合理的，尤其妻子婚前是知道的。难道是我阅读理解有问题？上面有挺多建议的，不少挺不错。隔壁的妻子倒是可以看看。退一万步，现在老公挣大钱了，后面还会更多，现在把28万还给公婆。后面不全是小家的吗？不要只看眼前啊，后面还有几十年呢
结论是养孩子一定要养女儿，好好培养 争取高嫁，自己养老也有保障;养了儿子一定要保留好收据，至少最后人靠不住有钱也好
所以为了保障自己小孩的利益，尤其是考虑到美国离婚率很高的情况下，给自家小孩教育的钱都应该算借给他们的，要有欠条，小孩结婚前要对配偶明示，比如借了父母30万，50万，甚至100万的。这样小孩结婚后要用婚后收入把这笔借款还给原生父母。
美国人这思路不错啊，大妈们的娃结婚前一定要打个欠条，100万起步，毕竟是从小当精英培养的，一路私立爬藤，只吃有机食品，给娃花的每一分钱都要记账，都要算婚前loan.
这男的也不傻啊，还student loan按美国标准，给父母养老按中国标准。
双方既然在一起什么条件都是可以提的。 给双方父母养老也是双方同意的。女方婚前完全可以不同意付学贷不给男方父母养老走人的。女方的问题在于婚前明说没有学贷， 婚后要求男方付学费。 属于欺骗
隔壁说法是给女方的爹妈，也就是说女方父母带娃已经每个月给钱了
好像男的不砸了似的。
女的人老珠黄 父母钱和精力都贴进去了 男的该找小护士一样砸。
good point：这都考虑到离婚了，哇塞
这都是现实中很难出现的。属于天上掉馅饼的想法。事实就是没有发生在他俩身上
当初在一起的时候，package 是相当的，还有可能女方为了解决身份问题，知道有loan也无所谓，现在深深的反悔了。
之后会差距越来越多，不管是金钱方面还是待人处事的个个方面。看到周围有abc 的家庭尽量不找国内来的还是有道理
想起前几天那个带娃做家务的非移保姆，每月6千，那个楼主觉得可怜的帖子了。如果这家吵架的，父母劳务也算6千一个月，5年了，每年7万2，5年36万，也不比28万学贷少了啊。
我到不是支持那个老婆的要求，但理解她的想法。
一方带孩子另一方没带，如果觉得不公平那就提前说。女方家带了孩子就觉得男方家不能要学费不能养老。那等于带孩子是有条件的。这个条件之前没谈，现在道德绑架漫天要价吗？
一针见血呀
这是对的。
是medical school 的loan吧，读本科什么的估计还是父母给的钱，如果整个大学教育和医学院的钱应该不止28万。公婆也没叫还啊
你最后一句说的很好，同样使用于男方父母，自己省钱下来28万帮垫了贷款让他们少付点利息，结果也不被appreciate，对方总能这里那里的找到地方来给你扣除，到头来还要说你小气，怎么不直接给了拉倒。
男的应该是仗着自己挣得多，硬来双标。 越这种情况女的家长越不应该去带孩子。医生挣了钱，请保姆花钱都是应该的。女方家长去带娃，越想平衡夫妻条件的差异，越印证了夫妻条件的差异。 说句不好听的，男方当上医生的难度，远超过女方家里带娃的难度。而女方家里不带，结婚了男的也不可能不出钱不出力。所以女方家里带娃，倒像是硬制造道德绑架。弄的自己女儿为难。
re 这男的真不咋地，他的帖子充满了利用文化差异来take advantage of his inlaws。最后还说也准备按照中国文化给他自己的父母养老，那么学费那28万干嘛不按中国文化不需要还他父母了。合着全都按照对自己有利的方法来处理家务事。
这个例子再次证明了婚姻里各方面匹配更重要，而不是拿原生家庭的钱去弥补自己赚钱能力不足的短板，这个女方如果赚钱能力高原生家庭又给力，就不会找个拖着28万学生贷款的男的吧。
幼稚的两个人。
女：作吧，离了不但拿不到28万，医生的6倍工资也没了，鸡飞蛋打。 男：抠吧，离了财产立马分一半，还要支付赡养费，鸡飞蛋打。
我能理解女方的郁闷啊，能挣大钱的医生家属是狠辛苦的，从住院医时候就开始了，女方发现男方有钱了第一个return的不是自己，能不气吗？ 男方如果是牛医生，不要小看他们的钞能力以及为了保护家产打离婚官司的决心力，怕女方家里招架不住。
看看又一个扣女，他父母没有问他还本科几十万美元吧？医学院28万还指望公婆全吃了？扣女吃人骨头都不吐
女方的20万是包括本科吧，男方把本科算上不止28万吧。而且两个人的收入也不一样
人家老外都看的明明白白的，结果，中文坛子里一堆人在那边唧唧歪歪说楼主不对
reddit上还没说到呢，女方父母还额外塞了10万给小家呢，这都还没算进去
不是男的啃岳父母
是女的巨婴离不开父母照顾
你以为哪个男的喜欢和岳父母住一起？
有儿子的千万要把关儿子找媳妇，碰上华人扣女大妈们，吃人不吐骨头
本科费用几十万男方父母提都没提，扣女指望医学院的费用都赖掉
结婚没几年估计没多少赡养费
看不到女方原帖了，请问女方本科也是在美国读的？
男方可喜欢岳父母住着了，因为完全不用干家务还有时间打游戏
碰上扣女，日子都没法过。她的是她的不是你的，你的也是她的不能少一分，算得门精
女的父母不穷
是不要找家里有点钱但是子女太笨的
这种国内太多了，以为花钱读一个美硕能洗白
但脑子一辈子拎不清，很容易弄得鸡飞狗跳的
都是女的说的，都不知道真的假的。现在要找平，干脆就别剥削自己父母，要父母带孩子就说好按市场价给，估计LZ舍不得给，我觉得这LZ也不是真想给自己父母钱，而是想公婆和自己父母一样奉献所有
reddit上男的自己说的，岳父母在他们事业早期经济上帮助过他们，还帮带孩子。然后他现在强调自己赚钱是妻子的六倍。住院医生的太太其实很辛苦的，自己带孩子更辛苦，女方家肯定是心疼闺女来帮忙了。
论钱论利益，ABC最精了。。 看看这里的华人大妈，为了钱，老公家暴也不愿意离婚，就知道了。。 这样的妈培养出来的孩子，肯定锱铢必较。。。 前一段，不是还有大妈发帖，说绝对不让儿子娶有学贷的儿媳妇吗？
楼主作为一代，肯定斗不过二代和一代公婆。。。 楼主最不该的，就是把自己爸妈当廉价保姆，让老公尝尽了甜头。。 现在想找补都找补不上。。
亿万富翁的保姆每月上万，你咋不按那个价算。讹人呢 女方父母没有绿卡，每年只能来小半年
不管怎么强调女方父母付出
说到底他们付出是他们愿意，女儿能力各种不行
只能自己帮衬
并没有协议要还钱
最好就是现在把男方父母28完还清后离婚
让这种自私自利能力不行的女生滚蛋
男的也不会没钱付抚养费
最丑陋的是某些女人的自私无耻
罪恶的根源
本科学费父母付了就可以了，医学院爹妈也得出？男的一年大几十万，女的几万块，觉得自己父母当保姆吃亏不平衡，但男的同意养她父母。
扣女吃人不吐骨头，谁家儿子找这么一位，可他妈的倒大霉
看看，人家男方父母没提还本科学费几十万吧？医学院谁说父母要出？没这事
你挣几万拉父母来养老，帮忙带孩子怎么觉得吃大亏？
没错，就是这么回事。 这里面最差的就是这个女的，自己没能力一直啃自己爸妈的老还想啃公婆的老。而且我觉得结婚以后各家老人对你的小家都没义务。投入多少都是自愿， 觉得自家吃亏就别做。觉得自己爸妈为小家辛苦，那就把爸妈送回国自己上，别累着老人呗。
女方老人是很大方的 一点不计较 是女方自己觉得自己父母吃了亏 心里面不平衡
华人扣女捞女们恨不得把老公和公婆连皮带骨头一起吃了
看到隔壁贴一代母亲们讨论要不要替娃掏了学贷，我真觉得大家现在都seriously要考虑这个问题，美国年轻人里面背学贷的有多少，这个问题在结婚之时狠serious，不然就像楼主一样，她没有把这当回事，现在意识到自己亏了全部的对策都成了defense、kick back，她老公会相当的抵触。她现在能做的就是别乱出昏招，要知道如果现在搞砸了，她真的以后连捞回本的机会都没有了。家里亲戚有住院医到大牛医，我是相信她和她父母的soft付出的。
她应该在结婚时候把这些想好，安排好——她没机会了额，但是各位看客要给自己的闺女们机会啊，真的是个大事，美国人也考虑配偶的学贷的，真爱无敌的结果就是牺牲自己牺牲自己爹妈。
男的还同意给她父母养老，可以了。一年挣几万的文科捞女蛇心吞象，连男方父母30万借款都想吞了
我也觉得AA最合适，谁也别想占便宜。以前的账重新算一下，以后的日子钱财分开各管各。
大四读了一年
对，男方不就是觉得自己现在是6x工资了，可以开始得瑟了么
原帖我记得男方父母也付了首付的
t sounds like her parents contributed a LOT to helping you raise your kids, but you made no mention of how your parents helped with childcare (if at all). Let’s assume that the cost of a full time Nanny who not only helps with 2 kids, but also cooks and cleans… that’s going to run you $6k/month DEAD MINIMUM where I live (bay area). Realistically closer to $8k+ for high quality live in care/help… just for one person. Let’s call it $7k to be generous to you. You said this has been going on for 5 years? So that’s $420k of childcare costs you may have saved due to her parents. As you said, they took the $1000 you paid them and spent that on groceries and kids stuff, so essentially they weren’t paid.
reddit里的人 也不傻，人家不知道市场价？