就像我说的前面和你说了一堆，等于白说 你这种悟性，根本没资格做父母 Empathy is crucial to being a good person, right? Think again
Why do we flinch when we see someone hit their thumb with a hammer? Our intuitive tendency to feel what we imagine another person is feeling is called ‘emotional empathy’. Empathy is, among other things, believed to improve our personal relationships, motivate charitable giving and encourage pro-social behaviours. The general consensus is that empathy is crucial to being a good person. But empathy is not without its discontents. In his latest book, Against Empathy , Paul Bloom argues that empathy is actually a very poor moral guide. He compiles evidence from a range of sources to show that empathy can be innumerate, biased, parochial and inconsistent and can push us towards inaction at best and racism and violence at worst. Try it at home You may be able to gain some insight into this controversial perspective by taking two different stances on the following scenario. This is an adapted example from a classic study done by Batson and colleagues in 1995 . In the first instance, read through the story and really try to imagine how the child feels and how it is affecting her life. Try to feel the full impact of what this child and her family have been through.
Sheri Summers is a bright 10-year-old girl who is suffering from a life-threatening condition which has already paralysed her. Unless she receives treatment soon it is likely that she will die. If she receives the treatment the condition can be reversed. However the treatment that could help her is only available via private healthcare and her family can not afford it. They have joined a children’s charity that helps families to pay for expensive treatments for life threatening diseases but she is far down the waiting list. You have the option of moving her to the top of the waiting list but doing so will mean that other children who are higher on the list due to earlier application, greater need or shorter life expectancy will have to wait longer.
Would you choose to move her to the top of the queue? How about if you had read an interview with her that made clear just how much she was suffering and that her hopes were pinned on receiving this treatment? Now read the scenario again but this time try to take an objective perspective toward what is described. Try not to get caught up in how the child feels; just remain objective and detached. Are you more or less likely to move Sheri to the top of the queue? Empathy and its discontents Batson showed that when asked to be objective, respondents prioritised fairness - children who had been on the waiting list longer should be treated first. However, when asked to imagine how Sheri was feeling, to empathise with her, the majority of respondents voted to move Sheri to the front of the queue. This is the crux of the problem with empathy as Bloom sees it. It is a spotlight that shines on individuals. This may work for close relationships but is a poor calculation when dealing with issues writ large that may impact on hundreds or thousands of people, on causes that have no single, identifiable victim, or victims that for whatever reason do not elicit our empathy. Second, Bloom argues that empathy is inconsistent and biased. As you may have experienced in the example above, it sometimes takes just a subtle shift in context for our empathetic priorities to change. Respondents in brain imaging studies showed significantly less empathy if the person they observe experiencing pain belongs to a different race, social class or an opposing football team or political party. Third, empathizing with an individual can lead us to be unreasonably cruel to others. In one study, participants were told about a poor student who was competing to win a cash prize. Participants subsequently administered a greater dose of hot sauce to her competitor, although this person had done nothing wrong. The relationship between empathy and aggression has been manipulated on numerous occasions by politicians who ask us to empathise with the stories of victims in order to gain public support for invasion. Against Empathy by Paul Bloom; The Empathy Instinct by Peter Bazalgette – review Read more Bloom presents a number of other arguments against empathy as a reliable motivator for moral behavior. He acknowledges that it can be a good thing: it leads to greater enjoyment of art, fiction and sports, can be a valuable aspect of intimate relationships and can motivate generous behaviour. What he refutes is the widespread notion that more empathy is all that is required in order for us to become good and moral people. Instead, he argues that reasoned compassion, utilitarian cost-benefit calculations and sticking to moral principles are much fairer and more reliable guides to moral behavior. Compassion and empathy may seem to be inextricably intertwined but imaging studies reveal that they activate different areas of the brain. Furthermore, in these studies empathy training frequently led to empathetic distress, a precursor to emotional burnout, inactivity and lack of engagement with those in distress. Compassion training, by contrast, not only predicted moral behaviour on subsequent tasks but also boosted resilience which in turn fostered better coping in stressful situations. Against Empathy: The case for rational compassion by Paul Bloom, is published by Bodley Head.
mm说的很对 突然想起一本书, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,很多时候告诉别人你想要的东西，比让别人猜要好得多，任何人的想法不一样，你生病了需要安慰，有的人生病了不需要，从谁那里需要你就告诉那个人，不要用自己的想法去推测别人，也不要用一件事儿定型别人。
没事，也辛苦你了，不过我的确觉得 “同理心”这一点，很重要，做人的基本。我今天失落的心情没有错。我还真要好好教育他们这一点。就像不少人说的，直接说出来，再直接。
哈哈， 我今天气得差点说，你们就看我没死吧，这个腰肌劳损真挺痛苦，直不起来，走路也非常艰难。当然我没这么失态。。。
就像我说的前面和你说了一堆，等于白说 你这种悟性，根本没资格做父母
Empathy is crucial to being a good person, right? Think again
Why do we flinch when we see someone hit their thumb with a hammer? Our intuitive tendency to feel what we imagine another person is feeling is called ‘emotional empathy’. Empathy is, among other things, believed to improve our personal relationships, motivate charitable giving and encourage pro-social behaviours. The general consensus is that empathy is crucial to being a good person. But empathy is not without its discontents. In his latest book, Against Empathy , Paul Bloom argues that empathy is actually a very poor moral guide. He compiles evidence from a range of sources to show that empathy can be innumerate, biased, parochial and inconsistent and can push us towards inaction at best and racism and violence at worst.
Try it at home You may be able to gain some insight into this controversial perspective by taking two different stances on the following scenario. This is an adapted example from a classic study done by Batson and colleagues in 1995 . In the first instance, read through the story and really try to imagine how the child feels and how it is affecting her life. Try to feel the full impact of what this child and her family have been through. Would you choose to move her to the top of the queue? How about if you had read an interview with her that made clear just how much she was suffering and that her hopes were pinned on receiving this treatment? Now read the scenario again but this time try to take an objective perspective toward what is described. Try not to get caught up in how the child feels; just remain objective and detached. Are you more or less likely to move Sheri to the top of the queue? Empathy and its discontents Batson showed that when asked to be objective, respondents prioritised fairness - children who had been on the waiting list longer should be treated first. However, when asked to imagine how Sheri was feeling, to empathise with her, the majority of respondents voted to move Sheri to the front of the queue.
This is the crux of the problem with empathy as Bloom sees it. It is a spotlight that shines on individuals. This may work for close relationships but is a poor calculation when dealing with issues writ large that may impact on hundreds or thousands of people, on causes that have no single, identifiable victim, or victims that for whatever reason do not elicit our empathy. Second, Bloom argues that empathy is inconsistent and biased. As you may have experienced in the example above, it sometimes takes just a subtle shift in context for our empathetic priorities to change. Respondents in brain imaging studies showed significantly less empathy if the person they observe experiencing pain belongs to a different race, social class or an opposing football team or political party. Third, empathizing with an individual can lead us to be unreasonably cruel to others. In one study, participants were told about a poor student who was competing to win a cash prize. Participants subsequently administered a greater dose of hot sauce to her competitor, although this person had done nothing wrong. The relationship between empathy and aggression has been manipulated on numerous occasions by politicians who ask us to empathise with the stories of victims in order to gain public support for invasion. Against Empathy by Paul Bloom; The Empathy Instinct by Peter Bazalgette – review Read more
Bloom presents a number of other arguments against empathy as a reliable motivator for moral behavior. He acknowledges that it can be a good thing: it leads to greater enjoyment of art, fiction and sports, can be a valuable aspect of intimate relationships and can motivate generous behaviour. What he refutes is the widespread notion that more empathy is all that is required in order for us to become good and moral people. Instead, he argues that reasoned compassion, utilitarian cost-benefit calculations and sticking to moral principles are much fairer and more reliable guides to moral behavior. Compassion and empathy may seem to be inextricably intertwined but imaging studies reveal that they activate different areas of the brain. Furthermore, in these studies empathy training frequently led to empathetic distress, a precursor to emotional burnout, inactivity and lack of engagement with those in distress. Compassion training, by contrast, not only predicted moral behaviour on subsequent tasks but also boosted resilience which in turn fostered better coping in stressful situations. Against Empathy: The case for rational compassion by Paul Bloom, is published by Bodley Head.
家里父母很会做家务会生活的话是传家宝级别的精神财富。但是第一代移民会干家务和有时间干家务的真的不多，再要带动孩子一起做要花的时间精力就更多了。我自己虽然深知重要性但是要行动起来太难了。
我等一下再看，现在不好意思要忙一下了，先谢谢你花时间留言
没事儿，我已经说了很多遍了，别人说了的反对意见你是听不进去的。你是一个冥顽不灵的家长
你只要记住一句话，你孩子的今天全都是由你自己一手造成的，你谁都怪不了，除了怪你自己。 Don''t blame on the kids.
mm说的很对 突然想起一本书, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,很多时候告诉别人你想要的东西，比让别人猜要好得多，任何人的想法不一样，你生病了需要安慰，有的人生病了不需要，从谁那里需要你就告诉那个人，不要用自己的想法去推测别人，也不要用一件事儿定型别人。
说的好，多年前我爸爸妈妈就是这么做的，觉得培养了我的同理心
我还真看完了你贴的一大段话，简直了，什么乱七八八糟的例子，这就是谬论是如何来的。 没事，真让你费时间发贴了，我家娃就是养残了，也是我自己家的事。
开始打工了，不太多而已
呵呵，既然是你自个儿的事，上来发帖干嘛呀？我说的没错吧，你就是听不进去别人反对你的意见。像你这种什么都听不进去的家长，怎么可能教育的好孩子呢？
再说了，你是不是看不懂英文啊？我贴的这个article可是别人做出版的study。在你这儿就变成谬论了？呵呵。你这种冥顽不灵的思想啊，根本接受不了不同的观念。
现在想想还真没有太多这种机会给他们学习，下次我如果再病了，就指挥他们干活。
说的挺好的，多谢你的建议！
都大二了还指挥孩子干活，你指挥得动吗？笑死我了。
我发贴，是寻求帮助，很多人给了我很好的建议。而不是需要你在这里说你的歪理和泄愤，你还真闲
得了呗，不同意你的观点就是歪理了。 唉，你这种爸妈这辈子都教育不好孩子的。 别浪费网友时间了好吗？
人家楼主为何要同意你的观点？一堆歪理，自以为是！
可以不同意，但不能说反对她的就是歪理吧？
是的。 孩子是上苍派来索债的。
说的好。
有的孩子确实是不知道该如何去做。需要有人提醒或示范或者要求。
是的，孩子的这种性格其实都是天生的，有些人就是天生不敏感，但是其实过于敏感也不是件好事。
至于能不能教育孩子，她孩子都大二了，能支得动孩子吗？得了吧，阿弥陀佛把自己管好吧。大二了还想着教训孩子想什么呢？
我也发现，绝对是天生的，一样的父母，一样的兄弟姐妹，有的天生就善良温暖有责任心，有的冷漠无情。前天我一个朋友刚好在跟我抱怨，她家俩孩子天壤之别，她从小一视同仁对待的
你真是偏执的自己意识不到，人家楼主还有一个5年级娃，而你一直盯着她大二的娃。我一般不怼人，人家楼主的事你这么积极干嘛呢?
人的性格本来就是不一样的。父母只是给了身体给他们寄生，他们自己的灵魂之前是有业障的，并不是从零开始，所以很难改变。作为父母楼主应该以自己为主，同时照顾孩子，等到了18岁还清了你的债就不要管太多了。
没闹着找你玩就知足吧
但是平常眼里没活的人，忽然之间也不会主动干活的。 所以在你不生病，不累的时候，就要教一教娃怎么做饭。 简单的就可以，切切ham, 打个鸡蛋，来个scrambled eggs这种。 不要嫌弃麻烦，教娃做饭你干的活比自己做饭还多， 你要跟着clean up mess, 但是这时间值得花。 娃会做了大力表扬。然后让娃在妈妈生日，或者母亲节表现一下。 表扬多了，娃就会经常想卖弄一下，给妈妈做早饭了。
再后来娃还能自己发挥，去找菜谱做复杂的饭，把盘子装饰的好看一些，希望被父母表扬。
道理是这样的没错，只是轮到自己头上还有点失落。我们父母那代人，大部分都很孝顺，到我们自己这辈，孝顺的就少了很多，到孩子这辈，更是成了管好自己就行的社会风气，老人们也都自觉不惦记孩子给养老。未来人类趋势就是越来越自我，自由，与身边的人都有界限感，但这样就真的好吗？
估计是天生反社会人格
楼主发帖了，我就不能发表自己的看法了吗？有本事别发天上来问啊。
我都说了。，孩子的性格是天生的，你一定要让不敏感的人变得敏感？那这样的家长完全不知道怎么教育孩子。
这就是美国社会，这都不知道，就属于你的无知了，美国就是提倡individualism的。
并不是因为反对她才说你是歪理，因为你确实在说歪理。瞎搅和。
刚才老二也发现我生气了，口气软了不少，我现在还没有和她谈这件事，平时嘴硬的很，不像老大。今天她的态度其实很差的，真伤到我了。我从来没有这么久不搭理她。 我会想想如何教育她。
老大打了电话，虽然没有问我怎么样了，但是也说了一下今天的事情。他的意思就是需要他做什么，就告诉他，不要不信任他。感觉他也说到点子上了，我其实真不放心他接送妹妹，所以就没叫他。他刚刚自己开车也没多久。
我说的哪句话是歪理，你拿出来说说看。别颠倒黑白啊。
还“想想怎么教育她”？ 真是的，中国家长这种俯视孩子，时时刻刻要教育孩子的毛病，真的是一辈子都改不了。
你连孩子的性格是天生的，这你都不了解你怎么教育孩子啊？
我真可怜你家老二，你一天都不搭理她，这种passive aggressive behavior，孩子还以为自己犯了什么天大的错误呢。
我儿子六年级，就怕我们得病不舒服，我们没事的时候整天和我们争论，一旦我和他爸病了立刻像变了，嘘寒问暖，端水按摩，上次我胃疼，还自己给我弄了个热水袋，做好早饭。早上起来第一件事会问怎么样了好点没有。这点倒是蛮欣慰的。但是一旦我们康复了，立刻又变回啥都顶嘴的孩子😀
这层主的脑回路真的和一般人不同啊
那当然，乌合之众嘛
你这句话我同意的。 楼主倒不是等着报恩，是希望孩子有同理心，这个属于对人性的基本要求吧。
看起来楼主是第一次身体出现状况，孩子也是第一次经历这种事情，不懂怎么表达，怎么处理。 从楼主的角度，就是应该把自己的期待跟孩子讲清楚，不要让孩子猜心。 孩子跟孩子是有些差别的，有些天生有同理心，有些天生不够感性，同理心不够，对后者，做父母的要教他们怎么做。 孩子生在你家，就是让你教的，方方面面，最重要的，就是教孩子怎么做人。
我真不觉得人就一定要有同理心，前面我也贴了这个study了。有同理心也会让你导致你有很多bias， Irrational，emotional。反正我觉得做一个好人是不需要同理心的。
好多父母教孩子自私，啥事都让别人伺候自己小孩，结果长大了也只想自己，缺乏同理心也没有照顾人的心思，父母就是直接承受的那个。
看对谁吧。 对自己爱的人，如果知道他们有这个期待，因为不想让自己爱的人伤心，还是要学会满足他们的期待。 楼主这个情况，好像自己需要主动表达这个愿望。
同理心太过泛滥，确实会有你说的这些情况，而且对自己损耗很大。
所以你做人的准则就是不违法对吧？ 那跟你讨论人性确实超纲了。
你还真是不依不饶，你自己的问题先弄清吧。人家楼主何时说一天不理孩子了，发现你不光偏执，还喜欢随便扣帽子。
你觉得自己说的那么合理，为何怕被引用？
本来以为这层主不过是个圣母，结果发现原来是个泼妇。
没事，谢谢哈，我最怕和人吵架，不知他／她又说了什么，我已经屏蔽他／她了。
谢谢ＭＭ 哈，我都屏蔽他／她了，不知所云。你也别和他／她理论了。
泼妇又不犯法，泼妇怎么了？有教养能当饭吃吗？ 大家上网就是为了图个乐，你又不是我老板，我对你毕恭毕敬有病啊。
我说的吧，这个楼主听不进去反对的意见。
楼主她自己说的一天没理孩子了，需要我引用给你看吗？
每个人的准则都是不一样的。 我认为做人就应该诚实，请问这个论坛有几个人做到这一点了，不做到这一点，他们就不配为人了吗？拜托，你的世界观也太狭隘了。你可以用道德要求自己，但你没有办法用道德要求别人。
你真矛盾，人家楼主为何要听你的意见？
……………… 简直无语了，叉烧
也是哈，她家孩子教育这么失败关我屁事。
你找到原话我看看
我可以帮你找，你给我道歉吗？
这个真理解不了，多大的孩子啊？另外lz跟队友平时会表现出互相关心吗？我觉得孩子很多时候都是学父母的。
我其实平时也不怼人，只是今天我确实有些闲
一个１０岁了，一个快２０了。我们平时还行吧，不过的确不是太亲密，大家各忙各的，这也是我现在深思的。
特意查了一下，叉烧是装的意思。倒不是这样，平时也是真的。就是今天这种毫不关心的情况，我看了大家这么多留言，也很有启发。
你跟它何苦纠缠。
孩子们平时和我很亲密， 老二和她爸也是，老大和他爸一般。 但我也在想是不是真的是家庭问题，我还没有意识到。想想这些年一家人在一起的时候的确越来越少。孩子爸越来越忙，我和娃爸越来越疏离。
对不起，我说错了。我觉得我小时我爸爸经常教育我说妈妈很辛苦，我们一定要关心她。我觉得我爸这么说绝对比我妈妈自己要求关心更有效。如果你丈夫在孩子面前很呵护关心你，孩子也会被潜移默化。
如果明确说了还无动于衷，这么冷漠不当回事我反正觉得不是亲子关系良好家庭里孩子该有的反应。家里没有大学娃这么大的孩子，但有小小学生两枚，我代入想象了一下，我娃应该会给拿枕头毯子让我躺沙发上再来杯咖啡。
所以有时候听孩子抱怨父母偏心，还真的是one side story
你管她高不高兴呢，在你家里就要听你的。
那可不一定，疼媳妇不理娘的没见过吗？😓
我俩娃不这样，他们会嘘寒问暖，问我想吃啥喝啥，感觉如何
楼主平时有没有和娃虚拟情况提过？我平时和他们提如果遇到同学或朋友生病了，该怎么照顾，怎么安慰，他们好像get了
大学的不了解，小学5年级应该懂得安慰病人
别搭理那个傻缺了，我大概猜出来她是谁的马甲了，那人自己就是个有心理问题的人
这位层主很好的诠释了什么样的人是没有同理心的人。因为她自己是没有同理心的，所以她以为没有同理心是正常的，是做人的标准。
楼主，你没问题，孩子不管多大，正确引导永远都不晚，做人是一辈子的学问。
这个时候，要么取消课外班，要么让老二去叫老大送。多好的教育孩子的机会。
LZ需要平时偶尔装病了，你身边没有自家老人，孩子们无法耳濡目染你如何对待老人，所以需要教，完全没事没机会教，只能装病创造机会。