I have divorced my ex without 3rd party involvement. My take is that divorce does have impact on children but as compared to non-divorce with toxic marriage influence, I do believe the change is better. At the end of the day, the way, in my mind, to look at marriage is that marriage is the bond you agree between you and your husband. Children are byproducts of the marriage. Your children will be adults one day and exit. So at the end of the day, do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband? No matter what. Confronting the 3rd party, in my mind, is useless and could only escalate the issue unnecessarily. Does she have issues? Yes, major. Are those your problems? Well, if she succeeds, that means your husband have issues, then that is your issue to face off. But you are not here to solve her problems. Don't waste your time on her. In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better? It is not just about persuading your husband to stay in marriage. Some marriage is not worth saving for.
I have divorced my ex without 3rd party involvement. My take is that divorce does have impact on children but as compared to non-divorce with toxic marriage influence, I do believe the change is better. At the end of the day, the way, in my mind, to look at marriage is that marriage is the bond you agree between you and your husband. Children are byproducts of the marriage. Your children will be adults one day and exit. So at the end of the day, do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband? No matter what. Confronting the 3rd party, in my mind, is useless and could only escalate the issue unnecessarily. Does she have issues? Yes, major. Are those your problems? Well, if she succeeds, that means your husband have issues, then that is your issue to face off. But you are not here to solve her problems. Don't waste your time on her. In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better? It is not just about persuading your husband to stay in marriage. Some marriage is not worth saving for. sNoOpY_cA 发表于 2022-02-08 12:38
I have divorced my ex without 3rd party involvement. My take is that divorce does have impact on children but as compared to non-divorce with toxic marriage influence, I do believe the change is better. At the end of the day, the way, in my mind, to look at marriage is that marriage is the bond you agree between you and your husband. Children are byproducts of the marriage. Your children will be adults one day and exit. So at the end of the day, do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband? No matter what. Confronting the 3rd party, in my mind, is useless and could only escalate the issue unnecessarily. Does she have issues? Yes, major. Are those your problems? Well, if she succeeds, that means your husband have issues, then that is your issue to face off. But you are not here to solve her problems. Don't waste your time on her. In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better? It is not just about persuading your husband to stay in marriage. Some marriage is not worth saving for. sNoOpY_cA 发表于 2022-02-08 12:38
I have divorced my ex without 3rd party involvement. My take is that divorce does have impact on children but as compared to non-divorce with toxic marriage influence, I do believe the change is better. At the end of the day, the way, in my mind, to look at marriage is that marriage is the bond you agree between you and your husband. Children are byproducts of the marriage. Your children will be adults one day and exit. So at the end of the day, do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband? No matter what. Confronting the 3rd party, in my mind, is useless and could only escalate the issue unnecessarily. Does she have issues? Yes, major. Are those your problems? Well, if she succeeds, that means your husband have issues, then that is your issue to face off. But you are not here to solve her problems. Don''''t waste your time on her. In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better? It is not just about persuading your husband to stay in marriage. Some marriage is not worth saving for. sNoOpY_cA 发表于 2022-02-08 12:38
谢谢！ 我看了之后真的非常感动。 忙忙碌碌中早就忘了自己。 "Do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband?" No, no, sometimes yes, sometimes no. “In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better?” Most of the time, I enjoy spending time with this guy. Better is always a good thing. I do not think he was a good husband to me. I think I can do better within or without marriage. 这位网友说得很对，婚姻中的基本盘是夫妻双方的关系，孩子是副产品。从另一个角度想，这样的判断考虑，最好是在结婚之前，生孩子之前。生孩子之后，孩子的已经出现成为了婚姻家庭中的重要成员。凭什么要为了自己的幸福去让他们被动的承受过多的压力，接受人性的挑战呢？ 可能这就是最近多少年，人们结婚越来越晚，要孩子越来越晚的原因吧。 我们要孩子时的夫妻关系非常的不稳定，可能这也是我们现在困局的起因。
谢谢！ 我看了之后真的非常感动。 忙忙碌碌中早就忘了自己。 "Do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband?" No, no, sometimes yes, sometimes no. “In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better?” Most of the time, I enjoy spending time with this guy. Better is always a good thing. I do not think he was a good husband to me. I think I can do better within or without marriage. 公用马甲50 发表于 2022-02-10 11:37
看见楼主更新了。其实楼主你并没有选择，老公出轨本身就不是你有选择的事情，我觉得还是放下，focus on yourself. 如果他愿意回来，自然会求你，现在所谓的态度模糊其实就是不在乎你的态度。你愿意和这样的人继续过吗？人对过去的生活总会有依赖和惰性，这是很正常的，但很多时候，我们只能控制自己的行为和想法。建议楼主找到一个合理的渠道发泄自己的愤怒和情绪，尽快理性下来规划自己下一步的生活。这个老公，在决定出轨的那一刻起，就不是你的同盟了
你老公大概在三那里得到了在你这里不容易到的东西。如果在你老公眼里，三是你老公红玫瑰与白玫瑰，你只是白米粒和蚊子血，担心你要考虑的问题可能是老公会不会来撕你，甚至和三联合起来撕你。希望不是这样。
祝福！
感谢！
感谢！
撕老公受伤的也是自己啊。所以说进退两难。
感谢！
因为Open marriage的界限感不清晰， 只会让我更加没有安全感。
憋屈是有的， 可怎么找到归宿是另一回事。
多谢层主细心回复！
还是很配得上的，不然直接就离了，不用在这里纠结。说不定还是我配不上他。谁知道呢
好提议， 将标题从“如何劝退小三”改为“如何规劝老公模糊不清、摇摆不定的态度”， 第二个问题之后问。
也是个思路！
具体发展到哪一步我也不清楚，只能表达我的视角。
谢谢！
苦中作乐而已。
谢谢！
有点捍卫主权的意思！
不觉得是个好办法。
谢谢！
这么荒唐的理论说的好像言之有物似的。女人为什么要卑微的求利益？
让老公带娃，否则老公闲的没事就找人继续生娃去了。
没想好怎么撕，还在想要不要撕。同意你老公的态度很重要。多谢！
你现在要做的就是不吵不闹，不沟通交流，找律师问明白你的case, 做最坏准备，钱财方面自己把握好。 其他的，伤心难过，找闺蜜聊能疏解就找，没有铁杆闺蜜交钱找心理师疏通。
然后咬着牙也要挺起腰抬起头，再难再难也要撑过去拿出漂亮样子。 人都是势力动物，你越光亮，别人越想要靠近。
谢谢MM！ 我老公是很好的人，如果没有感情了不能在一起了，那么分开也未尝不是更好的选择。老公怎么看我只有他心里最清楚。我对他有信心能把事情处理好。
谢谢启发！确实是需要拆弹，而不是将炸弹埋起来，不知道什么时候会炸。
人要对自己的眼光有自信！不过这件事情是让我很难受的。如果发现错了，也需要改正。
谢谢！
虽然我的建议就是冷静抽离地处理这件事，换我的话直接让他滚蛋。但想说一句这个小三成不了白月光，白月光的一个前提是渣男得不到的，或者把渣男甩了的。但恶心的是这个小三很可能长时间内还是渣男的幻想对象。自己有独立能力的让他滚蛋吧。没有的话抓紧现在开始计划自己，别想着他怎么想了，出轨的人他的人生已经和你无关了。
谢谢！
谢谢开导！
谢谢！
非常靠谱的建议！而且明明是他需要跪着求你回来，不跪求你都没必要考虑这个问题。千万不要对方什么没做呢你已经准备好原谅了，甚至已经向对方透露了这种心态。现在非常适合断联，不行就搬出去，让他自己呆着好好思考一下渣生。我说这个的前提是你不怕离开。如果不清不楚的还得你劝着他回来，以后沉没成本越来越大，一半以上的概率还会受尽委屈，而且想想光是修复信任这一项是不是你真正能完成的。
I have divorced my ex without 3rd party involvement. My take is that divorce does have impact on children but as compared to non-divorce with toxic marriage influence, I do believe the change is better.
At the end of the day, the way, in my mind, to look at marriage is that marriage is the bond you agree between you and your husband. Children are byproducts of the marriage. Your children will be adults one day and exit. So at the end of the day, do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband?
No matter what. Confronting the 3rd party, in my mind, is useless and could only escalate the issue unnecessarily. Does she have issues? Yes, major. Are those your problems? Well, if she succeeds, that means your husband have issues, then that is your issue to face off. But you are not here to solve her problems. Don't waste your time on her.
In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better?
It is not just about persuading your husband to stay in marriage. Some marriage is not worth saving for.
但凡他有一点点儿犹豫，就告诉他，老娘不要你了。
这个老公太恶心🤢……估计你以后心里阴影面积很大
楼主字里行间都是知识女性的矜持，人如其文，撕小三这种事情对楼主来说当然有辱斯文。
能豁出去当第三者的，或者出轨的，都是明知故犯不要脸的，哪儿有什么斯文可言。这就像秀才遇到贼，劝退的可能性不大。
至于楼主lg, 也是明知故犯。楼主想快刀斩乱麻，在这种事情上一般不能实现。如果主动权还在你手里，就做好两手准备，然后以静制动吧。
同意每一个字，楼主看过来 你老公这种黏黏糊糊的态度本身就是对婚姻的背叛了，这跟小三就没有关系。你老公是对你讲wedding vows的人，不是小三。面对小三犹犹豫豫还要你想办法劝他断的人，值得你费那么大劲吗？
离婚后你有能力独自生活么？
如果楼主老公不愿意，那么就让他自己待着吧
前段时间有一天睡前追剧，结果梦见颇有姿色的年轻女子当着我狂追老公，甚至在我坐下来写离婚协议的时候扑到桌子下面抱着我的脚躺着😅😅😅 然后关键是我老公，在梦里摇摆不定，和他讨论的时候嘴角噙着一丝微笑，显然乐在其中。梦里面一下就心如死灰。
醒来以后突然就明白为什么大妈们热衷撕小三而不是渣男了。这个枕边人啊，从年轻的夫妻一路走来这么久，太明白他的弱点和性格，也太明白目前的夫妻状态，生活的压力，和年轻时那种抛开一切的感情的天壤之别。男的进入这种状态，要焕发第二春，想抛开responsibilities，是鬼迷心窍了，着了魔了。老夫老妻，你的招数，你的弱点，你的思维方式，他全知道，如何规劝这个渣男？。。。所以很多人选择去撕小三了。
怎么去应对这种事情？实在没法给楼主出招，只是想好好pat你一下，要应对这种事情，辛苦了。
人的生活方式有很重的惯性，如果不是被新恋情打鸡血的那一方，想要break up现有的pattern，需要非常大的勇气。如果不想解散，目前做的也许只有等待，不光是等待老公做出决定，更加重要的，是给自己时间慢慢梳理出来想法：假如不考虑老公，不考虑目前的家庭的各种责任，我到底是谁，不考虑他们的话，我要怎么才能找到喜悦？我是否也可以走出我的舒适圈，去explore更宽广的世界，见更多的人？（不是为了找下家哈！）
从这里开始，先找到你自己。如果老公决定回归，有些东西也肯定不一样了，你也继续慢慢给自己时间，看看回归以后的生活是不是你真正喜欢的生活。
话说，如果一个男人这么犹豫不决，its very humiliating。花功夫去想他的怎么想的，还不如提升自己。
类似的话有人问过了吗？你不搞清楚你老公为什么摇摆不定，就想着撕小三劝老公？比如你老公碰上花痴了，拉不下脸来和女的纠缠，是一回事，你也就不用劝老公了。你老公动心了，觉得离婚和她过，说不定也不错，是另一回事，不是你能劝的了的。
我有种感觉，你碰到一个极会自我感动的小三(不管已三还是未三)，被她的什么话刺激到了，害怕你老公也被她感动了。你自己要有主心骨，现在知道重点是你和你老公的关系，这很好。接下来的重点是你自己的感受，你自己的人生规划。你老公愿意跟你共同努力，让成功的婚姻变成自己人生的一部分的，就留着。不然让他滚蛋，你换人也好，独身也好，仍然是去成就你的人生。
还有，男女思维不一样，能打动你的语言，可能对你老公根本没用。你老公犹豫不决的原因可能和你想的完全不同，别做无用功，赶紧去搞清楚吧。
讲得太好了，英文读起来也很舒服。强烈建议LZ仔细考虑一下这位网友的建议。
这么做等于给自己的伤口再撒把盐，对方已经背叛自己了，自己还要去争取。你放不开对方，他越觉得你配不上他，越觉得这婚姻鸡肋。还是不卑不亢地为离异做好准备，找好退路比较实际一点。别去跟小三和老公较劲了，给自己留点尊严和体面吧。
也不一定条件不好吧，是要找比自己强或类似的不容易
他要么滚，要么坚定地留
把自己拾掇好了，有了主心骨，有了最坏打算的准备，就是让他二选一的时候了。越拖越对你不利。
需要撕老公，这个小三走了，还会有其它小三，问题出在老公身上。 怎么撕是个技术问题。 先抓完钱，再了解法律。 然后想怎么撕，撕到什么程度，就是你的问题。 完全不撕，无法振妻纲。 不彻底撕，掌握财权以后伺机而动，比如孩子长大一些…女人总是顾虑孩子也是没办法的事。
给楼主看看这篇文章 就什么都明白了https://m.thepaper.cn/baijiahao_8509971
对啊，如果没相处过，怎么会摇摆不定？如果已经相处过，那不就是已经出轨了吗
浪子回头是童话
这文章说的太好了，王道
我怎么感觉年轻的是你呢？“男人都短情” 大概是因为你从没见过长情的男人。楼主老公要追求真爱用得着鼓励吗？腿长在人家身上，天要下雨男人要出轨，你拿根链子把他锁起来？我所说的中国女人的凄凉指的就是你这种思维。一则识人不明，误把薄情寡幸的男人当成世间常态，二则没有及时止损抽身而退的勇气和魄力，解决办法只有委屈自己去挽回老公的心。殊不知就像给一棵开败的花浇酒精，越浇死的越快。聪明且有自尊的女人首先就不会从生物性去判定一个人，要知道男人女人都是人，没有男人比女人更短情或者女人比男人更忠贞的定律。另外遇到这种情况除了当断则断没有更好的办法。自己成为自己生活的女王，是获得幸福唯一的办法。哪怕就是彼此忠诚幸福的婚姻，也总有一个人会先走
莫名笑倒。。。只能看谁捐的钱更多了 哈哈
一针见血指出问题本质所在
谢谢！ 我看了之后真的非常感动。 忙忙碌碌中早就忘了自己。
"Do YOU want to stay married to a guy who is hesitant and may be backing out from the commitment he once promised? Are YOU okay with the secondary type of attitude? Are YOU happy in the relationship with your husband?"
No, no, sometimes yes, sometimes no.
“In terms of your husband, do you want to spend your time on this guy? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think he is a good husband to you? Do you think you can do better?”
Most of the time, I enjoy spending time with this guy. Better is always a good thing. I do not think he was a good husband to me. I think I can do better within or without marriage.
这位网友说得很对，婚姻中的基本盘是夫妻双方的关系，孩子是副产品。从另一个角度想，这样的判断考虑，最好是在结婚之前，生孩子之前。生孩子之后，孩子的已经出现成为了婚姻家庭中的重要成员。凭什么要为了自己的幸福去让他们被动的承受过多的压力，接受人性的挑战呢？ 可能这就是最近多少年，人们结婚越来越晚，要孩子越来越晚的原因吧。
我们要孩子时的夫妻关系非常的不稳定，可能这也是我们现在困局的起因。
层主分析的到位！我需要找到让自己开心的生活，才能感染照亮身边的人。
看到你的回复，我仔细考虑了我的人生规划，发现成功的婚姻是我自己人生的重要部分，甚至是向往。 我无法接受枕边人和别人暗度陈仓，三心二意，甚至对我和家人心怀怨恨，时不时就借机发泄怒气。 不愿将未来时光在浑浑噩噩委委屈屈中度过。
谢谢
谢谢你的回复！ 完全不撕就是放任，就是对自己和婚姻的不负责。
点赞mm的醒悟。
对于要不要撕三还是再考虑一下。要是我，不会花费我宝贵的人生在恨一个人或者“撕”一个人上面。我不想去沾染她的energy。
更何况，你老公或许就是在等这个，等一个让他安心离开的理由，justify他的选择，然后减少他自己的罪恶感：看看，她真可怕，已经不是年轻的时候和我结婚的那个人了。我出轨是有原因的，是合理的。
谢谢你的推荐， 让我又重新梳理了一下思路。 人生的征途是世界。 最熟悉的世界就是身边的人。虽然不能强求，依旧是值得花时间精力去争取的。
有人说，小三隐藏的很好，没有影响到原配的家庭。我只想说这是放屁。从一开始我就能感觉到他态度的变化。我莫名其妙没有证据，不知道不确定发生了什么，还以为他是工作遇到困难，和同事相处遇到了矛盾，身体健康出了问题。当某一天答案一点点的撕开，我才知道自己是多么的愚蠢天真和懦弱。
这也是让我灰心的地方。人心飘忽不定， 需要重新建立和他的契约。
可怜了
的确，说没有影响家庭，没有伤害原配是放屁。