我最近忙自己的事比较多，和他交流少。今晚问他，你最近忙什么？他说，阅读，写作和打游戏。 写作？我心一下有些波动，心想坏了，我的养老还指望你呢，这可怎么办啊！就想先看看他的作品，他说写了好些，先看第一篇写夏令营的吧，请我多提建议。 看完，我觉得还行哈！开头jumped out of bed, 最后crawled into bed, 前后呼应，还算有些章法，对我的养老担心之余，也颇为我的遗传那啥啊！
The New Camp By 小歪, 7 years old
Find out what happens on the first day of camp --
One bright morning on Monday, I jumped out of bed. It was the first day of my brand new camp called XXX Day Camp.
I got dressed up and went downstairs to eat my breakfast. I had muffins and eggs. After I ate all my breakfast, I ran as fast as a cheetah to the door. I put on my camp bags and waited at the door for the bus.
Suddenly, the bus pulled to a screeching stop. The driver pushed the door open. I said to my bus driver,"Good morning." I ran inside the bus looking surprised that all my friends were on the same bus!!! They were shouting my name yelling "sit next to me!" I had so many seats to choose, but the driver said there was not any space left. I sat down on an empty seat with nobody on it.
We made a couple more stops and picked up more campers. When this kid got on the bus, the bus driver told him to sit with me. I asked him, "What is your name?" He exclaimed,"my name is Eugene."
Then he asked me what my name was. I responded, "my name is 小歪".
We finally arrived at camp. The driver pushed the door open. I hopped off with my friend Eugene. A counselor walked us to our group. I was surprised Eugene was with me in the same Group, Marine G. We saw our counselors Mat, Bob, D.J, and Alex, and our camp group leader Mike.
I got a burger for lunch. I looked at the fun things we were going to do. We had to do nine activities. We had tree house, soccer, basket ball. Then we had swimming lessons. Also after swim we went to gaga, big swing and free swim. Lastly, we ate ice cream.
After the day was over, I ran to my camp bag and went to after care. When my mom picked me up, she asked, "How was your day?" I shouted,"It was awesome." When we finally were home, I crawled into my bed dreaming about camp.
有非常好的观察能力，不一定当作家，也可以当探员，FBI。。。 前面那几段也许是无意，但孩子写的很有画面感，有戏剧性。慢慢长大了大家越写越概括越写越精炼反而就没有这些特质了。 Confuse 发表于 12/15/2018 2:37:06 AM [/url]
才有时间回复下，讲真，我觉得，我这一年，写诗受到的一大影响就是欧美几个巨牛的song writer写歌词的影响。我发现，我们中文教育，少了鼓励那种观察，observe， 以及这种观察和内心，经意和不经意的empathy, 好几首名曲的歌词，非常简单，就像常说的流水帐，但就是那么打动人心，让人如此清晰的感受到作者那一天的经历，那一天的心情，事过多少年，哪怕从未相识的，也能感受到，我贴两首吧！Dire Straits的Sultans Of Swing和 Money For Nothing ， 还有Deep Purple的Smoke on the Water，歌词就是我说的这种感受，所以还是要鼓励小朋友观察、表达，外在的世界和内心情感的体验。
Smoke On The Water Deep Purple
We all came out to Montreux On the Lake Geneva shoreline To make records with a mobile We didn't have much time Frank Zappa and the Mothers Were at the best place around But some stupid with a flare gun Burned the place to the ground
Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky Smoke on the water
They burned down the gambling house It died with an awful sound Funky Claude was running in and out Pulling kids out the ground When it all was over We had to find another place But Swiss time was running out It seemed that we would lose the race
Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky Smoke on the water
We ended up at the Grand Hotel It was empty, cold and bare But with the Rolling truck Stones thing just outside Making our music there With a few red lights and a few old beds We made a place to sweat No matter what we get out of this I know, I know we'll never forget
Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky Smoke on the water
Sultans of Swing Dire Straits
You get a shiver in the dark It's raining in the park but meantime South of the river you stop and you hold everything A band is blowing Dixie double four time You feel alright when you hear that music ring
Well, now you step inside but you don't see too many faces Coming in out of the rain to hear the jazz go down Competition in other places Oh, but the horns, they're blowing that sound Way on down south, way on down south London town
You check out guitar, George He knows all the chords Mind it's strictly rhythm He doesn't wanna make it cry or sing Left-handed old guitar is all he can afford When he gets up under the lights to play his thing
And Harry doesn't mind if he doesn't make the scene He's got a daytime job, he's doing alright He can play the honky tonk like anything Saving it up for Friday night With the Sultans, with the Sultans of Swing
And a crowd of young boys, they're fooling around in the corner Drunk and dressed in their best brown baggies and their platform soles They don't give a damn about any trumpet-playing band It ain't what they call "Rock 'n' Roll" And the Sultans, yeah, the Sultans, they play Creole, Creole
And then the man, he steps right up to the microphone And says at last just as the time bell rings "Goodnight, now it's time to go home." Then he makes it fast with one more thing, "We are the Sultans, we are the Sultans of Swing."
写作？我心一下有些波动，心想坏了，我的养老还指望你呢，这可怎么办啊！就想先看看他的作品，他说写了好些，先看第一篇写夏令营的吧，请我多提建议。
看完，我觉得还行哈！开头jumped out of bed, 最后crawled into bed, 前后呼应，还算有些章法，对我的养老担心之余，也颇为我的遗传那啥啊！
The New Camp By 小歪, 7 years old
Find out what happens on the first day of camp --
One bright morning on Monday, I jumped out of bed. It was the first day of my brand new camp called XXX Day Camp.
I got dressed up and went downstairs to eat my breakfast. I had muffins and eggs. After I ate all my breakfast, I ran as fast as a cheetah to the door. I put on my camp bags and waited at the door for the bus.
Suddenly, the bus pulled to a screeching stop. The driver pushed the door open. I said to my bus driver,"Good morning." I ran inside the bus looking surprised that all my friends were on the same bus!!! They were shouting my name yelling "sit next to me!" I had so many seats to choose, but the driver said there was not any space left. I sat down on an empty seat with nobody on it.
We made a couple more stops and picked up more campers. When this kid got on the bus, the bus driver told him to sit with me. I asked him, "What is your name?" He exclaimed,"my name is Eugene."
Then he asked me what my name was. I responded, "my name is 小歪".
We finally arrived at camp. The driver pushed the door open. I hopped off with my friend Eugene. A counselor walked us to our group. I was surprised Eugene was with me in the same Group, Marine G. We saw our counselors Mat, Bob, D.J, and Alex, and our camp group leader Mike.
I got a burger for lunch. I looked at the fun things we were going to do. We had to do nine activities. We had tree house, soccer, basket ball. Then we had swimming lessons. Also after swim we went to gaga, big swing and free swim. Lastly, we ate ice cream.
After the day was over, I ran to my camp bag and went to after care. When my mom picked me up, she asked, "How was your day?" I shouted,"It was awesome." When we finally were home, I crawled into my bed dreaming about camp.
哈哈，你这么一说，我竟然有些醋意和嫉妒。文坛无父子啊！
screeching 什么意思，我居然不认识这个单词，教育起他来，竟然有些没底气。
是有些流水帐的问题。但我觉得他一直紧扣主题excited and surprised，总体还可以。
谢谢，我觉得一惊一乍那种感觉，还是挺搞笑的。
那倒也未必是，以前很多文豪罗嗦，是因为稿费的原因。 作家穷啊！ 一个字几分钱呢。不过写作被人看是一方面，自己写的时候enjoy那个过程，也很好。积淀、清晰下自己美好的回忆和情感体验。
不是啊，我本来的打算是让他大学去学computer science或者去华尔街，毕业了赚钱资助我写诗和养老的。
我也是贵在真诚么
何止他们啊，金庸，尤其是古龙， 鲁迅，老舍等等，不都这样么。没办法，我觉得东方没有贵族爱心资助有才华青年的传统，导致文艺严重不行。你看看，西方，几乎每个出名的大艺术家身后，都有贵族和有钱人的慷慨赐予，你看看我公众号里刚贴的那篇，那种贵族对人文，艺术和诗歌发自内心的热爱和重视，并引发的奉献精神，东方很少。你看看人家那贵族夫妇，把自己的大别墅让诗人Crane住，就是为了让他能有个地方安心写作，那是什么精神。
是有一定难度。。。
谢谢谢谢。不过不知道别的同龄小朋友什么水平，我也不知道他写的如何。
就是觉得一惊一乍那感觉，写的挺搞笑
写得很好 更重要的是愿意写 寡人小时候最多扯个三行流水就跑了
小孩一时一变，过段时间，可能又不写了，谁知道啊
明白了，谢谢小美。睡了💤。
能写这么长的文字，至少我见过的七岁小孩，尤其男孩当中真不多见，看来得了歪哥的真传👍👍。
啊？我这还是选了篇短的。。。懒得用手机拍三张以上的。。。
真的吗？我真没比较过，也没经验。你们这一说，我下次问问他老师，看看老师怎么说。
前面那几段也许是无意，但孩子写的很有画面感，有戏剧性。慢慢长大了大家越写越概括越写越精炼反而就没有这些特质了。
以小歪那种能探人底线的资质，去学CS或当码工，就是埋没人才了。最好从事谈判或和人打交道多的工作。
你去刷题吧……推娃不如推自己
我女儿8岁写的不如你娃
真的是很厉害。
一般七岁小孩写不了这么长。写的也很有情绪，不是干巴巴的流水账。
还有这怎么和自己的养老挂上钩了？
☆ 发自 iPhone 华人一网 1.14.02
这个思路很对路啊，诗人需要金主
大仲马小仲马，晏殊晏几道，苏洵苏轼苏辙，曹操曹丕曹植。加油，诗人父子！
七岁小孩，很可以啦！
赞
唉，看来真的啥都是基因啊
虽然还没娃，希望以后我的娃能当个大writer
☆ 发自 iPhone 华人一网 1.14.02
才有时间回复下，讲真，我觉得，我这一年，写诗受到的一大影响就是欧美几个巨牛的song writer写歌词的影响。我发现，我们中文教育，少了鼓励那种观察，observe， 以及这种观察和内心，经意和不经意的empathy, 好几首名曲的歌词，非常简单，就像常说的流水帐，但就是那么打动人心，让人如此清晰的感受到作者那一天的经历，那一天的心情，事过多少年，哪怕从未相识的，也能感受到，我贴两首吧！Dire Straits的Sultans Of Swing和 Money For Nothing ， 还有Deep Purple的Smoke on the Water，歌词就是我说的这种感受，所以还是要鼓励小朋友观察、表达，外在的世界和内心情感的体验。
Smoke On The Water
Deep Purple
We all came out to Montreux
On the Lake Geneva shoreline
To make records with a mobile
We didn't have much time
Frank Zappa and the Mothers
Were at the best place around
But some stupid with a flare gun
Burned the place to the ground
Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky
Smoke on the water
They burned down the gambling house
It died with an awful sound
Funky Claude was running in and out
Pulling kids out the ground
When it all was over
We had to find another place
But Swiss time was running out
It seemed that we would lose the race
Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky
Smoke on the water
We ended up at the Grand Hotel
It was empty, cold and bare
But with the Rolling truck Stones thing just outside
Making our music there
With a few red lights and a few old beds
We made a place to sweat
No matter what we get out of this
I know, I know we'll never forget
Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky
Smoke on the water
Sultans of Swing
Dire Straits
You get a shiver in the dark
It's raining in the park but meantime
South of the river you stop and you hold everything
A band is blowing Dixie double four time
You feel alright when you hear that music ring
Well, now you step inside but you don't see too many faces
Coming in out of the rain to hear the jazz go down
Competition in other places
Oh, but the horns, they're blowing that sound
Way on down south, way on down south London town
You check out guitar, George
He knows all the chords
Mind it's strictly rhythm
He doesn't wanna make it cry or sing
Left-handed old guitar is all he can afford
When he gets up under the lights to play his thing
And Harry doesn't mind if he doesn't make the scene
He's got a daytime job, he's doing alright
He can play the honky tonk like anything
Saving it up for Friday night
With the Sultans, with the Sultans of Swing
And a crowd of young boys, they're fooling around in the corner
Drunk and dressed in their best brown baggies and their platform soles
They don't give a damn about any trumpet-playing band
It ain't what they call "Rock 'n' Roll"
And the Sultans, yeah, the Sultans, they play Creole, Creole
And then the man, he steps right up to the microphone
And says at last just as the time bell rings
"Goodnight, now it's time to go home."
Then he makes it fast with one more thing,
"We are the Sultans, we are the Sultans of Swing."
谢谢大家的谬赞。我没比较过，真不好说， 不过这个figurative language什么意思？
选了最短的一篇，长的我可没耐心。
我还指望他给我挣个别墅呢。
大writer赚钱，小的养家都是问题啊。
这么直白，小心不好找儿媳妇哦
落叶沙填过半后，闲云烧断欲终头。
望云山晚来香积，为讲月明住沃洲。
息马人家张御史，琴心席上五湖舟。
谢谢，我主要是贵在真诚吧。
真不知道。我属于先天才华型，脱口而出型，没有文学素养和训练，也没读过什么书。
七岁啊
是，华人女ID这关不好过。但讲真，她们在决定女儿找谁的问题上又有个屁的话语权啊。。。
以后的ABC女孩都不太缺物质，自己也可以赚钱。但情感上还是匮乏。小歪主攻情书，还是可以捡走偏锋的。
比如说，我都想好了他大学第一封情书的开头了。
本来是不能再普通的周一早上，我开车路过星巴克drive through买个咖啡，想着今天的考试，上午在图书馆复习，下午考试，晚上一个人去gym。。。
可不知道什么原因，我把车停下来，推开了这家几乎每天都drive through的星巴克的门。。
抬头看到你的那一刻，我突然有了从来没有过的强烈的某种生命体验：那一刻起，那一天改变了，我的一生也迎来从未有过的改变。。。
。。。
。。。
多来劲！哪家华人女ID的女儿能扛得住啊！
你贴下你家的，我看下。大家也贴下，我想看看，被你们说的好奇啊。我实在没觉得有这么好。
读多了自然能写，你要启发他张嘴，下笔。
是啊
流水账
☆ 发自 iPhone 华人一网 1.14.02
我觉得写的内容其次。写作的仪式感很好。。。题目，然后来句小吸引眼睛的话。比如。。。find out这句。美国小学的作文训练比中国的要细致。
The New Camp
By 小歪, 7 years old
Find out what happens on the first day of camp --
写作，某种意义上就是写下自己的情感体验。
知道什么才是让自己真正开心的，快乐的和忧伤的。是个认识丰富自我，尤其是自己内心世界的过程。
要认识到，在世上，情感还是最重要的。
老布什和小布什，商界和政界能做到的够多够高度了。。可临终前的对话是什么呢？
I love you.
I love you, too.
是，我也觉得前后呼应的不错，下床，上床，醒了camp，梦了还camp。。。
回家更是累坏了，记不住吃饭和洗澡了，直接写睡了。
哈哈，你们说的我禁不住都有指点欲了，我点评下作者这篇文章吧。
文中，第一天去camp的作者内心有些兴奋和忐忑，那猛然刺耳一声停下的校车和打开的车门，表达了作者内心对要去一个崭新地方的莫名忐忑，一上车，却发现都是朋友，都叫他的名字喊让他坐到身边，那种人生不预期的快乐跃然纸上，他开心的写到，他有那么多的选择。这表达了作者的一种人生观：人生路上时有不经意的惊喜。
但笔锋一转，司机告诉他，他并不能坐在那些位置。作者笔下有些失落，作者此时内心表达的又是，人生就是这样的无奈啊，那些天天相见，相识的朋友，有时并不是能真正坐在你身边，陪伴你的人。有时候人注定要选择孤独，哪怕朋友就在不远的身边。。。
此时，是作者对人生的第一层认识。
随即，他笔锋又一转，这时上来一个小朋友，坐在了他的身边，俩人相互介绍自己，下车时已经是朋友相称了，看来相处融洽，而且作者还惊喜的发现俩人在camp里是一个group，可以天天在一起玩。
作者此时想表达的是，人生的相遇相识相交甚至相爱，有时就是这种偶然。
人生的注定和偶然，竟同时发生在同一辆陌生的开往陌生的夏令营的校车上。。。
哎呀，哈哈，我分析到这，颇有方鸿渐的老爷子捋着胡子点评儿子来信的自豪感，哈哈。
竟忍不住去看了下围城里方老爷子的即兴发言，哈哈
方老爷子捻着胡子笑道：“鸿渐，这道理你娘不会懂了——女人念了几句书最难驾驭。男人非比她高一层，不能和她平等匹配。所以大学毕业生才娶中学女生，留学生娶大学女生。女人留洋得了博士，只有洋人才敢娶他，否则男人至少是双料博士。鸿渐，我这话没说错罢？这跟’嫁女必须胜吾家，娶妇必须不若吾家’一个道理。”
我觉得还是我的点评更高一筹，一下升华了！
不过，他用词还是很讲究，一个说的意思，这篇小文里竟用了这么多表达：asked，said，told,，shouted，exclaimed，responded,
还是出乎我意外的。