to develop emotional self reliance. How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment: 7 Don’ts and 10 Do’s Posted by admin on October 19, 2012
It isn’t fear of abandonment that sabotages our relationships, it’s how we handle it.
Fear of abandonment is primal fear – not something we get rid of. It is essential and universal to all human beings, a driving force in our connections. It can either interfere in them or reinforce them.
Once we learn how to deal with this primal fear, we access its healing properties.
Feeling attracted to someone triggers this fear. How many times have I heard: “I’m too vulnerable…too insecure to be in a relationship.” So many people complain that abandonment imprisons them behind a wall of their own making. They get caught up in patterns of constant re-abandonment (abandoholism), or avoid relationships altogether to avoid the pain (abandophobism), or are in a relationship but feel chronic heartache. They’re shrouded in shame for feeling so needy.
There is a way out of these self-isolating patterns. First, what didn’t work:
Having unrealistic expectations toward your partner, wanting too much too soon. You overreact and over-need, which makes you feel less about yourself and your partner less about you. Trying to squelch the feelings. You know your insecurity is turning your partner off, but can’t find the magic dial to turn down the fear. Trying to manipulate your partner into doing things to make you more secure. This increases pressure on the relationship and reduces its mutuality quotient. Trying to disguise your emotional suction cups as coyness or anger. Your suction cups are aiming straight at your partner no matter how you play it and they get detected by your partner’s special radar. Twisting yourself into a pretzel to hide your panic. In trying to save the relationship, you lose your authenticity. Making your partner feel emotionally responsible toward you. This creates that awful dynamic where you need them more than they need you. As the gulf widens, your desperation intensifies, creating a vicious cycle. Loathing yourself when you experience your insecurity driving your partner away. But don’t panic! You can turn it around!
What to do:
Stop beating yourself up. Fear of abandonment is involuntary. You didn’t cause it. It’s not something you signed up for. It found you. Accept this fear as part or being human. Give yourself unconditional self love and compassion rather than judge yourself as “weak.” Choose to stop laying your insecurity at your partner’s (or anyone else’s) feet. This means taking 100% responsibility when your fear erupts rather than expecting your partner to “fix it” (even if he triggered it). Vow to use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self reliance. Approach your partner with self-confidence born of self-responsibility. This doesn’t happen by osmosis, but by becoming actively engaged in abandonment recovery. The tools help you systematically administer to your own emotional needs so you don’t have to rely on your partner to do it. Exude the reality that it’s no one else’s responsibility but yours to make you feel secure. The minute you look to your partner for the solution (and she doesn’t comply), you give your power away. Take the leap of emotional self reliance but be accepting of yourself in the process. We don’t accomplish this perfectly or for once and for all. The road to emotional self-reliance is slow, steady, and sporadic. When you catch yourself once again looking to your partner for reassurance, just re-direct! Get back on track! Become 100% responsible for your own wellbeing.
Transforming abandonment fear into emotional self-reliance involves radical acceptance of your separateness as an individual. First you stop laying your insecurity at the feet of your partner, and then take responsibility for your own emotional needs. The hands-on exercises are there to help you become self assured and in healthy connections.
可能因为有学惧怕外婆,就特别想妈妈,妈妈心理有些软弱,与世无争,一个月大概会来看我两三次,周日的时候,我会整天粘在她身边跟着她怕她走,所以到周末晚上妈妈要走的时候就很难脱身,很难和我商量让我放手,就骗我去买菜,去邻居家坐坐,去院子里然后偷偷走,每次她骗我的时候我都认真的相信妈妈的话,老老实实坐在小板凳上等她回来,可是等好久到天黑也看不见妈妈,就很难过,时间长了每个周日晚上对我都是一种折磨,有一次晚上妈妈说去洗手间,我在卧室等她,可是到天黑要睡觉了她还没从洗手间出来,我看见外婆和表姐前后用过洗手间了,但还是告诉自己妈妈在里面,也许肚子痛,也许在清洁马桶,反正妈妈没有走,快要脱衣服睡觉了我问外婆妈妈怎么还没用完洗手间,外婆说不知道让我快睡觉,我心里开始知道其实妈妈已经不在洗手间里面了,但还抱有一线希望,心理想万一开门就看见妈妈笑盈盈等着逗我玩呢?我慢慢走向洗手间,在外面站了很久,最后终于鼓起勇气,握住门把手使劲打开洗手间的门,里面黑漆漆空荡荡,我那时的心里也像那个洗手间黑漆漆空荡荡。我知道妈妈和外婆以及所有的人再一次骗了我,很难过,想哭还不敢,哭了会挨打。
所以我很小的时候就不相信任何人,包括我的亲人,外婆有时候去买菜,外公上班表哥表姐上学,让我一个人在家她一会就回来,等外婆走了家里就剩我一个人的时候我就会哭,哭的很伤心,因为我觉得他们在早上就约好了背着我收拾好行李偷偷走了不要我了。我不相信外婆的话,也不相信一起玩的表哥表姐,连妈妈和外婆都可以联合起来骗我谁又能和我说真话呢?上周和男朋友分手了,他说和我在一起有些累,我不相信他,他说什么我都不信他,有时一点小事他会花很长时间和我解释,当他解释得口干舌燥的时候理智上我是相信他的,但是没多长时间感情上就又开始怀疑他,我是不是会想起小时候打开的那个洗手间,心理希望你依恋的那个人笑盈盈
还有,外婆是个好人,虽然她不是一个细腻的人,但我知道她是爱我的,请大家不要blame她,她已经过世了。谢谢!
应该咨询专业人士吧
早点儿恢复,不要错过了对你好的人
我也是一样的心理 小时候也不是亲妈带大的。不过我老公一直很疼我 会和我说永远爱我永远不分开。所以现在渐渐好了
How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment: 7 Don’ts and 10 Do’s
Posted by admin on October 19, 2012
It isn’t fear of abandonment that sabotages our relationships, it’s how we handle it.
Fear of abandonment is primal fear – not something we get rid of. It is essential and universal to all human beings, a driving force in our connections. It can either interfere in them or reinforce them.
Once we learn how to deal with this primal fear, we access its healing properties.
Feeling attracted to someone triggers this fear. How many times have I heard: “I’m too vulnerable…too insecure to be in a relationship.” So many people complain that abandonment imprisons them behind a wall of their own making. They get caught up in patterns of constant re-abandonment (abandoholism), or avoid relationships altogether to avoid the pain (abandophobism), or are in a relationship but feel chronic heartache. They’re shrouded in shame for feeling so needy.
There is a way out of these self-isolating patterns. First, what didn’t work:
Having unrealistic expectations toward your partner, wanting too much too soon. You overreact and over-need, which makes you feel less about yourself and your partner less about you.
Trying to squelch the feelings. You know your insecurity is turning your partner off, but can’t find the magic dial to turn down the fear.
Trying to manipulate your partner into doing things to make you more secure. This increases pressure on the relationship and reduces its mutuality quotient.
Trying to disguise your emotional suction cups as coyness or anger. Your suction cups are aiming straight at your partner no matter how you play it and they get detected by your partner’s special radar.
Twisting yourself into a pretzel to hide your panic. In trying to save the relationship, you lose your authenticity.
Making your partner feel emotionally responsible toward you. This creates that awful dynamic where you need them more than they need you. As the gulf widens, your desperation intensifies, creating a vicious cycle.
Loathing yourself when you experience your insecurity driving your partner away. But don’t panic! You can turn it around!
What to do:
Stop beating yourself up. Fear of abandonment is involuntary. You didn’t cause it. It’s not something you signed up for. It found you.
Accept this fear as part or being human. Give yourself unconditional self love and compassion rather than judge yourself as “weak.”
Choose to stop laying your insecurity at your partner’s (or anyone else’s) feet.
This means taking 100% responsibility when your fear erupts rather than expecting your partner to “fix it” (even if he triggered it).
Vow to use abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self reliance.
Approach your partner with self-confidence born of self-responsibility.
This doesn’t happen by osmosis, but by becoming actively engaged in abandonment recovery. The tools help you systematically administer to your own emotional needs so you don’t have to rely on your partner to do it.
Exude the reality that it’s no one else’s responsibility but yours to make you feel secure. The minute you look to your partner for the solution (and she doesn’t comply), you give your power away.
Take the leap of emotional self reliance but be accepting of yourself in the process. We don’t accomplish this perfectly or for once and for all. The road to emotional self-reliance is slow, steady, and sporadic.
When you catch yourself once again looking to your partner for reassurance, just re-direct! Get back on track! Become 100% responsible for your own wellbeing.
Transforming abandonment fear into emotional self-reliance involves radical acceptance of your separateness as an individual. First you stop laying your insecurity at the feet of your partner, and then take responsibility for your own emotional needs. The hands-on exercises are there to help you become self assured and in healthy connections.
给楼主妹妹
每次焦虑不妨把最好最坏最有可能发生的情况写下来,然后向自己提问,自己害怕的到底是什么
谢谢MM,说得很对,我不能为小时候的经历为自己找借口,我已经是一个成年人了
自己最害怕的应当是孤独吧,觉得一个人没有依靠了,这种感觉是心理上的,其实我的经济很独立,就是感情上总想依附于一个人身上,哪怕这个人我并不是那么爱,为了安全感,也愿意交往
小时候我也有一段时间寄宿在我外婆家,没人打过我,我爸妈也每天晚上都来外婆家吃晚饭,但是每天晚上我爸回去的时候我还会抓着我爸的手说我要回家,然后我爸就拼命赚钱买了房。
希望有一天你心里的那个曾经的小女孩可以大哭一场,然后跟过去的所有人和解。
先看看武志红的《为何爱会伤人》《为何家会伤人》。对自己的过去有了更深的理解之后再看看下一步要怎么做。
心灵的事情,慢慢来。
但几十年过去了,依然有大批的留守儿童,或许对有些父母来说,孩子并不是人生最重要的宝藏.
做这样事情的父母,并非都是没有学识的人民工,
在美国读到硕士博士的中国人,也常有把孩子送回国给老人养的,五岁再接回来,
为什么是五岁?可能是到了上免费公立学校的年纪了.
而且这些父母,常常不觉得这么做有何不妥,
一点没觉得自己亏欠孩子,需要事后补偿,用更多的耐心来包容自己陌生的孩子.
早年时期的安全感影响到终身啊
CBT 是 cognitive behavioral therapy , 认知行为疗法
CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
每个心理医生的治疗方法都不一样, CBT 是其中的一种。
你如果能够找到会说中文的医生最好。好像也有人提供
video conference 形式的咨询,那么医生可以看到你的。
但是这种治疗也是需要有足够的时间, 你最好不要希望
积累了许多年的问题在短期内解决。
大概是钱,我工作很认真努力,为了pay得高,赚的钱也很少花,大部分都攒起来,存在银行里或者做稳健投资,在我心里,有很多很多钱就不那么担心了,有安全感,我总是莫名其妙担心,其实我根本就找不到让我担心的具体事件,担心就是一种感觉一种情绪,总是伴随着我
是焦虑症,我也有,不过不是从小时候什么事,性向,或者家庭来的,就是被老板搞得有一阵子不想去上班,换了老板就好了。当时去看了精神科,精神科的护士和counselor都是人超级好的,建议你马上约起来。看专业人士很重要,虽然我有压力会到处和人讲,但counselor 一句话就让我豁然开朗。
有时就是自己不停假设最坏的各种情况,搞到晚上睡不好,其实第二天发现事情根本没有按自己想象那样发展。简而言之,就是浪费时间白想了。后来我自己也意识到了,如果焦虑症发作,就告诉自己事情哪有那么坏,无需浪费时间左思右想的,睡一觉,明天再看吧。
我还买了David Burns的feeling good写的很好,可以对自己进行分析,很实用。我还买了他的When panic attack, 但换老板后好多了,也就没看了。最近家里有人生大病,又开始有anxiety attack了,看来要把书看起来了。书里介绍的是临床证明无需服药的有效方法,两本书才20刀,可以试试。
其实我小的时候也有类似的经历,不过当时我已经5岁了,因为父母在外地工作同时弟弟刚出生很多病,没有时间照顾我,于是就把我送回了乡下爷爷奶奶家。当时爷爷奶奶家已经有表弟表妹2个孩子,爷爷上班,加上我奶奶是闲妻凉母只顾自己玩,真心不是细致会照顾孩子的人,虽然我跟着其他孩子一起疯也没有受什么大罪,但是放养的孩子缺衣少食受冻免不了,比如说,肚子长蛔虫,想要个什么吃的还要看奶奶脸色,在没有扶栏的七级石楼梯上蒙眼睛捉迷藏,摔下来磕了下巴我就失去了意识,醒来发现躺在床上下巴好疼好疼还有个棉花,我奶奶可能是心疼钱居然没有带我去医院打针缝线,奶奶看聊斋的电视剧我被跑出来的棺材和女鬼吓得不敢睡觉等等(小孩子认知能力有限不能看这些的,直到现在我还是不免对奶奶有微词)
直至六岁被接回父母身边,妈妈给我洗澡发现我面黄肌瘦满头虱子下巴还留了疤 (如果当时有去医院缝线根本不会留疤的), 于是发誓再也不会让我离开她身边,后来我的童年都过得特别幸福。
这段经历虽然不长 但是还是在成长的过程出现了后续反应,比如说,发展出讨好型人格总是想证明自己,尤其是留在下巴上的那个疤,每次遇到不顺不懂应对的时候就会想起当年不在父母身边的日子非常焦虑,直到出国后第一年回家,我想解开这个心结,在妈妈面前大哭了一场问她为什么狠心当年把我送回家为什么弟弟就一直在身边等。妈妈也眼泪汪汪地说当年本来没计划送我去乡下,只是弟弟体弱多病爸爸的事业又不顺实在分身乏术,于是我叔叔就好心提议送我回爷爷奶奶家, 妈妈抱着我哭了说当年没有照顾好我和我道歉,于是我也解开了这个心结。
我记得在 电视剧 金婚 里也有一段类似的剧情, 二女儿南方出生的时候遇上了三年自然灾害,从小就被送到四川乡下奶奶家去,回父母身边上学的时候满口四川味的普通话,一直觉得融不进家里是个外人,和父母也是客客气气,学习很好于是很早出去外地上大学寄宿。出国前回家当妈的给她买了好多衣服她不要,也是解不开当初被抛弃的心结,费雯丽告诉她 当年自然灾害城里饿死了好多人,送回去乡下奶奶那里好歹地里还有口吃的也行还能活下来。于是两母女终于一起睡着过了出国前在家的最后一夜。
希望MM能和过去和解,承认那个时候有很多事情发生是出于历史生活现实所迫,而不是有人恶意为之, 而且人也是有缺陷的,要和自己讲和,和过去讲和。好好地抱抱过去的幼小的自己,然后告诉自己现在已经有能力保护自己了,要独立自信地去寻找幸福!
Erikson theory里stage1,trust vs. mistrust issue. LZ 可以查查。
希望lzmm早日走出来。
Date过一个7年的前男友,及其没有安全感结果他自己劈腿了。再有追过我的男生,也极其没有安全感,我发现了就脱身的。
2个都是小时候老人带大的。
楼主希望看医生早点走出来,安全感在男女关系中很重要。
建议找精神分析取向的心理医生。你会发现童年的体验是如何在你的潜意识里留下印记,以及如何影响你的自我和人格。
抱抱那个小小的害怕被妈妈抛弃的小女孩,抱抱你自己。
☆ 发自 iPhone 华人一网 1.11.10
自己同时能做的,就是不依赖别人的情感而活,有,固然好;没有,也成。另外,要建立良性的情感循环,就是要对那些所有对自己好的行为和情感,作出善意回应和鼓励。
我看着都想哭了
多么可怜 真想抱抱你
有时候自己多看书也能忽然明白道理
对自己的孩子 我一直都是说话算话
从不欺骗
那个年代 骗孩子还挺多的
觉得你好让人心疼
也帮不上
抱抱LZMM.
流泪了, 希望LZMM幸福!
mark
另外我想说的是,mm的没有信任感,其实是一种自我保护,想寻求一种绝对的保证和安全。但这个东西其实是没有的。。。你恐惧被再次抛弃,但是无论你找了谁,都没有人可以保证你不会再有那种被抛弃的感觉,不光是你,对我们每一个人,无论有没有受过童年创伤,都有被伤害的可能,这就是客观世界的事实。
可是如果有一天,你瑟瑟发抖的时候抬起头,然后看看你自己,尽管经历了对孩子来说最残酷的打击之一,你仍然长成了现在美好的样子,你依然正常生活着,比很多人优秀,可以很强大,可以去寻找幸福,你就会知道,虽然伤害是生活的一部分,但是恢复也是生活的一部分。每一个人被抛弃的时候都会崩溃,都会留下创伤,都会害怕再被抛弃,但是每一个人最后都可以回归正常的生活。那时候,你就不会害怕了。
你已经非常清楚自己的问题出在哪里了,可以尝试让男友理解你这点.不如不能也不用勉强,找专业人士试试.
那时候的人真是好愚蠢无知。。。
可怜的楼主,慢慢好起来。。。
其实我觉得根源是自己没有安全感,就算男友非常好,后面也没有背叛,还是会患得患失。根本上是要改变自己,而不是找一个什么样的人。
劈腿这个很典型啊。没有安全感,总想着最坏的结果,没有发生的话,自己干脆做了,最坏的终于发生了,象自己预料的一样。最后陷入恶性循环。 ---发自Huaren 官方 iOS APP