Manipulation refers to making attempts at indirectly influencing someone else's behavior or actions. As human beings, our emotions often cloud our judgments making it difficult to see the reality behind hidden agendas or motives in different forms of behavior. The controlling aspects or shrewdness linked to manipulation are sometimes very subtle and may be easily overlooked, buried under feelings of obligation, love, or habit. In this article you'll learn some ways to pick up on manipulative behavior occurring around you, so that you can sort it rather than jump to it. Ad
StepsTips and WarningsVideo 1 Understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality. They're not always obvious because they play a silent game of building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake even though you're still wondering how things got to this point. Some of the characteristics of a manipulative personality include:
A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor... Excessively needy and dependent personalities. People who feel uncomfortable in their own skin, putting forth their own opinions and ideas can often hide behind manipulative behavior so that it seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though they've set up everything to have you respond directly to their neediness. Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and it's very hard to deal with this master manipulator. You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us practices manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily living and interaction with others. 2 Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:
The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values. The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption. He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you. The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing an argument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again. Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention. 3 Curtail the guilt trip. Guilt trips are really high on the list of manipulative tools. If you can get someone else to feel guilty, then you're home and hosed. The trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip after guilt trip and the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on to a good thing here risks losing respect, friends, and being distanced by those who can't get away, such as family and co-workers. One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping the guilt trip bind is that the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better, and that it's their guilt trip, not yours. Here are some approaches to the guilt trip:
Recognize it. Guilt trips are usually prefaced with "If you really cared about me, you'd...", or "If you were more responsible, you'd...", or "If you were more understanding, you'd...". In each case, you can substitute the words they add in after with "do as I want". Another way of inducing a guilt trip is to tell you what you wouldn't do, for example: "I knew I'd misheard it! After all, you'd never get engaged without telling me first." In that small phrase, you've just been told that the expectations are that you'll defer to this person before making any decisions. Turn it back on the guilt giver. Take a return-to-sender approach with guilt trips and don't let their interpretation of your behavior determine the situation. In this case, you can give them a little of their own medicine so that they understand how it feels to be made to feel guilty. This approach involves taking what the manipulator has said and tell them how they aren't respecting, appreciating, caring for, etc. your behavior toward them, and in the process, you dissolve the need to meet the obligation they're aiming to impose. For example: A: "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you." You: "I sure do care about the hard work you've done for me. I've said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don't appreciate how much I care." A: "That's not true! I appreciate it!" You: "Yes, just as I appreciate your hard work." Shorten their hold on you. When a manipulator tries to guilt-trip you by suggesting that they don't matter, don't buy into it. Instead, answer with a quick retort that breaks this hold instantly. For example: A: "Okay then, go on that camping trip with your friends while I do all the work looking after the dogs. Don't worry about me." You: "That's great! I'm glad you're happy to look after the dogs while I'm away. Thanks!" 4 Shift the assumption statement away from you. One of the things that is so riling about having another person tell you what it is that you're thinking or doing is that they are not taking you seriously or treating you as a whole person. Instead, they are attempting to overlay how they'd like you to behave and this comes right back to how they'd like you behave so that it benefits them. Assumption statements can be harder to pick up on but it's essential that you do so in order to deflect them quickly and effectively. Some examples include statements using "suppose", "guess", "wish", etc: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again." or "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas." The problem with the assumption statement is that there is no question; a manipulator doesn't like asking questions because it causes them to feel a loss of control. In a healthier relationship situation, questions would elicit what you're doing and a conversation could proceed from this understanding; a manipulator would prefer to make the assumption as to what you're doing because it then allows them to them to be in control of the you they've described rather than the you they need to listen to. Break the supposition away from your actions by ignoring the manipulative negative implication and return the manipulator to reality by clarifying your equally valid value attaching to what you're doing. For example:
A: "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas." You: "Actually, I spend as much time with you as I spend with Kate's parents and just as you and dad used to do when I was growing up, I'm happily dividing my time equally between both families." A: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again." You: "I'm not leaving you alone. You've got your favorite movie on tonight, the dog's with you wanting attention, and I'll be back on Tuesday, as usual." A: "If you've got more important things to do, then it's best you don't waste time visiting me." You: "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right now. It's an expensive time to fly and I'll be able to spend more time with you when I come next May." 5 Move away from the mind games of what the manipulator thinks other people say or do. The use of third party "authority" is thoughtlessly rampant in much of everyday life because we like to defer to these generalizations as a way of backing up our own vague and often unexplored preferences. While most of us know it's a bad habit, in the hands of a manipulator, it becomes a weapon. Whenever a manipulator resorts to quoting what your Aunt May, cousin Josh or darling Katie down the street would do or are saying, see warning lights flashing. This tactic is used to try and compare the perceived lack in your responsiveness with the manner in which other people apparently would behave more appropriately than you (read: they'd do it for the manipulator whereas you're holding out). While some of this is to do with the manipulator fantasizing that the grass is greener in someone else's life, it's far more about being a tool that lets the manipulator abdicate his or her own responsibility for making the statement.
A:"Mary says it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the time. She says it's harmful for me." You:"I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist. I must speak to her about the possibility of her spending more time with you." A:"Everyone thinks you're not being kind to me when you refuse to buy me a second diamond ring." You:"Everyone? I must meet these people who are so flush! I'd love to buy you another ring but I'm glad you have a beautiful one to keep you occupied until our budget can withstand any more large purchases." 6 Avoid the confrontation and dispute manipulation. Determine whether someone is deliberately using a ploy or "game" to bring about a dispute or conflict into the open. This frequently happens amongst friends or in relationships, when one member wishes to have influence or to attempt control over the other. Confrontational statements are designed to upset you immediately and to cause an argument to occur. For example, "How dare you leave me alone tonight!" or "I thought we agreed that this would be the best solution. And now you're deliberately doing something entirely different." Or "Why do you always have to do everything your way? What about me?" It can even be brought up jokingly but with the intent to mock or pour cold water on your hopes. Rather than engaging in an argument with this manipulator, learn to simply say "no" and by pointing out clear facts. For example:
Be calm, rational, and pleasant when you say no. Don't try to up the ante by grimacing or snapping back. It's also important to keep your response simple and friendly. Use your body language to back up your meaning. Shake your head and give your "no" face. Be polite. When a manipulator asks you to do something, try "I'd love to but I'm too busy in the upcoming months. Sorry." or "Thanks for asking, but no." 7 Sidestep self pity. The manipulator who finds everything unfair and falls to pieces, he or she is attempting to gain your sympathy in order to use it to further his or her own needs. In this case, the manipulator will rely on a sense of "helplessness" and will seek financial, emotional, or other forms of help from you. Look out for attitudes and comments like, "You are the only one I have", and "I have no one else to talk to", etc. In dealing with a meltdown of self-pity, be compassionate but wary as you don't want to establish an obligation as a result. Some ways to respond to such a manipulator include:
A: "You are the only one I have." You: "Oh you're flattering me again but you and I both know that's not true! You've got Betty on Sundays, Muriel on Thursdays, and the bowls club all day Saturday. Why, when I tried to call you last Wednesday night, you were out playing cards with your neighbors." A: "I have no one else to talk to." You: "Remember yesterday when Grace came over to talk to you all afternoon? And Sally's said she's more than happy to listen over the phone whenever you need a sounding board. I'm happy to talk to you for the next five minutes but after that, I have an appointment I cannot miss." 8 Beware of people who twist and distort facts to make them appear more attractive. Generally these people will lie to the ends of the earth in order to get what they want. This often happens in the work environment, simply to get others on their side or gain favor with management and higher authorities. When responding to a fact distortion, seek clarification. Explain that this is not how you remembered the facts and that you're curious to get a better understanding of their view of them. Remain polite and feel entitled to say that it's to clarify your confusion. Ask them simple questions about when you both agreed to an issue, how they believed the approach was formed, etc. When you meet on common ground again, take this as the new starting point, not their distorted one. For example:
John (manipulator): "I asked Cassie to have all these finished by today. She's never on time with these reports." Boss: "Is this true Cassie?" Cassie: "It isn't my understanding boss. John, when did you suggest that this was my task alone? My last understanding was that this was to be a joint effort, with you signing off on my work before we presented it to the board. When you didn't arrive yesterday and I couldn't reach you, I felt that I had little choice but to continue and finish what I could but it was clear I didn't have a handle over the X, Y, Z issues that you're best at defining. And I've handed in my last six reports all two days before the due date; I take timeliness very seriously." Another example: A: "You never back me up in those meetings, you're only in it for your own gains and you're always leaving me to the sharks." You: "That's not true. I believed that you were ready to talk to the investors about your own ideas. If I had thought you were erring, I'd have stepped in but I thought you did a brilliant job by yourself." Beware of people with "selective memories". This is a manipulative tool for wriggling out of obligations they don't want to meet, while still managing to remember obligations that they expect you to meet, or have met (in front of the boss). 9 Don't fall victim those those who use love as a bargaining tool. Such a manipulator will commonly use phrases like, "I know you love me, so...", "Because I love you, do X, Y, Z for me...", in order to trick you into accepting what they desire. This often occurs in married relationships and also between friends. People who display this type of attitude will often make you feel indebted or that you owe them something. Instead of letting them manipulate your love for them, try to point out how what you're doing is proof of your love for them, and bonus points if you can be compassionate enough to weave in recognition of their love for you too:
A: "If you loved me, you'd take me on that business trip. I don't care about your boss' miserliness, that's your problem, not mine." You: "I do love you and that is the very reason I don't want to inflict my boss on you. You'd have a horrible time having to be super polite around him and he would resent having you there and would possibly even try to demote me for not taking the business trip seriously enough." A: "You think that this garden is more important than me." You: "Actually my dear, I tend the garden with care to ensure that you have somewhere fun and safe to play war games with your mates. I want it to be perfect for you, just as you try to paint the house in colors that you know I like." 10 Figure out those who feign illness. Unfortunately, some people use illness as a way of manipulating others. There are people who feign small illnesses and symptoms on a small scale, and then there are people who suffer from Factitious Disorder (DSM-IV), previously known as Munchausen's Syndrome. Faking illnesses is the intentional production of false and exaggerated physical symptoms designed to achieve an ulterior motive. People who do this may be trying to avoid responsibilities, have more leisure time, obtain medical benefits, or are lazy enough to want someone else to do everything for them.
If the person is persistently using this method, it is possible that he or she needs medical help from a psychiatrist or psychologist for Factitious Disorder. The difficulty for you lies in the fact that a person suffering from this might actually have some illness but can function fine most or all of the time despite the illness but chooses to exaggerate its effects (also known as malingering). If the disorder is causing them to behave this way, try not to be judgmental. It is often developed as a way of reacting to stress and has habituated into a pattern. The best thing if you suspect this condition is to suggest that he or she sees a mental health professional to deal with their worry and anxiety; don't be combative about their "faking illness".[1] 11 Beware of individuals who create false rumors. Individuals in this category will tell you the opposite of what you wish to hear. They may do so hoping that you will correct them and as such force out the real story from you. Very private people often fall prey to this type of tactic because it's targeted at eliciting information from you directly when you've been reticent so far.
12 Ignore emotional outbursts that play on your emotions. Some people will use crying, sorrow, screaming and other forms of emotions to further their own ends or to simply get what they want. This is common among children and teenagers who will "test the waters", to see how far they can go with this form of manipulation. Read some good parenting books on dealing with manipulation in children and teens; their behavior is more about boundary testing and can be dealt with appropriately with good parenting skills.
If your child suffers from disruptive behavior disorders, seek help from a mental health therapist. Such disorders as oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder and separation disorder can have elements of manipulation in them but need special attention to overcome, using the help of specialists and your compassion. 13 Listen to yourself. In all of the possible manipulative situations outlined above, whether or not the signs are easy for you to spot, it is very important to listen to yourself and how you feel about the situation. Do you feel oppressed, pressured, obliged to do things for this person that you'd rather not do? Does their behavior seem to impact you endlessly, so that after one form of assistance, you are expected to grant yet more help and support? Your answers should serve as a true guide to where your relationship with this person is headed next
我也考古了一下，我觉得楼主的公婆一共就才来2个月，而且婆婆还是肺癌晚期，你老公一心扑在他父母身上也是无可厚非的。这个时候你反而要好好的当轮滑油，不要让你妈和你老公之间的关系越来越僵。你爸妈来帮忙带孩子确实也很累，旅游的事完全可以等把你公婆送走之后再安排啊。这种时候，没必要激化矛盾。 1831denholm 发表于 4/5/2014 12:04:29 AM
Re 真么样也得笑脸迎人地度过这段时间。每天早上起床前都给自己打打气，在镜子前练练笑容。从小事儿上开始试着改变，例如吃饭的时候叫双方父母一块吃，有机会就陪他们聊聊天，天气好了带上宝宝一块出去转转。对你父母，背着你老公有些事儿要说服他们，例如半夜起来带孩子，问他们是不是被吵醒了，还是特意起来的。如果是被吵醒，你该考虑下该怎样减少孩子晚上哭闹，例如使用安慰奶嘴。如果是特意起来，要对他们义正严词地拒绝，必要时可以声泪俱下地说很心疼他们，并很担心他们的身体，如果他们仍固执己见，你晚上都上都睡不着觉。父母是最关心自己的人，让他们知道你也同样关心他们，好多事儿就能找个折衷的方法
我也考古了一下，我觉得楼主的公婆一共就才来2个月，而且婆婆还是肺癌晚期，你老公一心扑在他父母身上也是无可厚非的。这个时候你反而要好好的当轮滑油，不要让你妈和你老公之间的关系越来越僵。你爸妈来帮忙带孩子确实也很累，旅游的事完全可以等把你公婆送走之后再安排啊。这种时候，没必要激化矛盾。 1831denholm 发表于 4/5/2014 12:04:29 AM
Re 真么样也得笑脸迎人地度过这段时间。每天早上起床前都给自己打打气，在镜子前练练笑容。从小事儿上开始试着改变，例如吃饭的时候叫双方父母一块吃，有机会就陪他们聊聊天，天气好了带上宝宝一块出去转转。对你父母，背着你老公有些事儿要说服他们，例如半夜起来带孩子，问他们是不是被吵醒了，还是特意起来的。如果是被吵醒，你该考虑下该怎样减少孩子晚上哭闹，例如使用安慰奶嘴。如果是特意起来，要对他们义正严词地拒绝，必要时可以声泪俱下地说很心疼他们，并很担心他们的身体，如果他们仍固执己见，你晚上都上都睡不着觉。父母是最关心自己的人，让他们知道你也同样关心他们，好多事儿就能找个折衷的方法
这也是考了古的mm阿～～楼主的帖子都拿来当史料来分析前因后果来龙去脉了，因为楼主单个帖子看得实在让人纳闷，串起来看才发现楼主有多强大，属于说话说一半儿挑自己有利的说。”我有工作，老公父母（还）嫌我带父母旅游花钱，（但是我父母玩也玩了东西买也买了，老公的残疾父母没有，而且现在得了癌症）“； ”我回国孝敬父母东西多，公婆不乐意（但是我们没钱，公婆不要，我也没给他们买）“；”老公的母亲得癌症后，老公就不再关心怀孕的我 （虽然我在医疗行业，但是帮不上忙，另外我也需要照顾，我得了痔疮！！！）“
这样说太绝对了，女方父母尤其是妈妈玻璃心，端着，作，不体谅女儿都有，但也不能说就是自私，就是要来大笔花钱潇洒。她们带孩子，甚至夜里也起来带孩子，省保姆费，七个人挤在2br里省房租，也没有提必需花钱租大房子。
美国尤其是大农村生活闷，呆了几个月想出去走走也能理解，不过时机不对，这会子跟公婆就别讲啥公平了。另外，这个男人以前怎么样谁也不知道，反正现在挺烂的，你一口咬定他是因为娶了个烂女人才变烂的，也太绝对了，成年人哪儿那么容易改变的
为什么好几个人说她lg烂啊，我怎么没看出来啊，不就是朝lz嚷了吗？如果有人发帖说自己婆婆和老公这样成天作，自己受不了嚷回去了，我觉得大家肯定一片赞美说不包子。
如果那个考古的妹子没搞错的话，这楼主的妈是够作的，大农村再闷，几个月还不能忍？非要这时候和亲家计较谁玩多谁玩少还不够自私？况且公婆没有礼物丈母娘一堆的话，当丈夫的能忍下来算可以了。楼主做了初一，还不许他老公做十五啊，你不仁我不义的事多了，如果说她老公因为娶个烂老婆才变烂也不算错
他不止和楼主嚷嚷，还和丈母娘嚷嚷，生活琐事不顺他的意就唧唧歪歪，唠唠叨叨，买个夏威夷果先给自己爹妈藏起来，然后当着岳父母说：要不是我先藏起来，这包也没了。
闷了几个月想出去走走无可厚非，但不是她们要和亲家计较吧，貌似是楼主自己心里不平衡
老实说我不理解也不欣赏他们这种牺牲，半夜抱走孩子，一堆人挤在一起生活，你说为省钱吧，要花好几千去夏威夷玩还得求着去，明明她自己想去不是么
的确，都够极品，不是一家人，不进一家门，半斤八两，谁也赖不着谁
打住吧，娃才仨月，撑死了闷了半年。这里的姐妹都是半年出门旅行一次的节奏？而且当时顶着讲义气，照顾吃奶娃，减轻癌症病人负担的高大名义留下来，几个月就闷成这样，不去不行？楼主说了，她妈想去玩的。我觉得，这里面最不平衡的应该是楼主的老公，自己妈生病，娃还这么小，老婆作，丈母娘添堵，他要能不烂真不容易。
不理解，lz 家两室一厅住6个人，丈母娘非要半夜把孩子从客厅抱到卧室去，统共那么大点儿地方，抱与不抱对于lz夫妻休息也没什么帮助吧？
我估计楼主她女儿也会和楼主一模一样
这家子人脑袋都不怎么好
应该也会遗传
真是一堆极品凑一起了
老实说如果楼主是那种大包礼物带回国给自己妈，锁着箱子不给公婆知道也没有任何礼物给公婆的人，他老公藏口吃的也无可厚非，否则不管买多少，估计都没他自己妈的份。唯一不该的是不该当面说这个话
然后楼主自己也跟她妈一样，想吃蛋糕嘴上不说，想老公婆出来劝她吃心里才爽。
男人都很粗线条的，哪里会琢磨你心里那点小九九啊！好奇楼主爸妈是怎么相处的。
恩，这是我这辈子最烦的一类人
偏偏中国女性里比例超级大
楼主她老公居然没和她离婚真不容易
因为楼主百分百就是她妈的翻版
这种人很讨厌，心里有话不肯直说，非要人猜，个人非常不喜欢。不过，话说回来，她们是不是自己要求一定要这会儿去玩儿呢？我看到的是楼主想让她们去，因为想要对自己父母好点儿。。。。
这个楼主拎不清，她要是真想对她妈好点，就让她妈回去。这么玩个三五天心情就好了？回来接着作？然后三五个月再玩一次？少来什么担心女儿被欺负，她女儿不欺负别人就偷笑了
艾玛，不是有人考古的么？
我真是服了
家里都有人得绝症还是非常没有希望的绝症了
这时候怎么还能有脸提出去夏威夷玩找平衡
我靠，不是世仇都做不出来这种事吧
我如果是楼主的老公
等到早晚得把楼主给踹了
平生最不喜欢这种又要那啥又要那啥，有话不说让人家猜的人，我努力从尽量好的角度出发来考虑，老太太会不会更年期啊，极度需要attention又不肯直说, 楼主呢，估计孕产期，荷尔蒙分泌失常，情绪不稳吧。
感谢考古帝
这女的一家极品到了天打五雷轰了
这男的要自己多差才能和这么一家神经病过一辈子啊
不知道啊，但是像楼主妈那种说话做事都举着幌子，嘴巴上还建议她老公把公婆接来孝顺，时不时还要push女儿多招呼公婆的人，不像是在这种时候还明刀明枪的一定要跟亲家别苗头的人哪
打PP，自己去考古
楼主自已说她妈想去的呀，不过她应该也是猜的。但是这种表面上刚举起幌子，背地里就各种抱怨牢骚不断了，保不齐想别苗头呢
我也这么想的，忍着没说。
同时楼主表示降低对老公的期望值，现在只专心做好妈妈和孝顺女儿。
让外人看来还以为这家人要欢天喜地庆祝婆婆绝症马上要归天了呢
就算心里这么想要过得下去也该装装吧
真是没法理解极品
这脑袋里装的都是啥啊
想玩不能回国玩吗
家里还有个in law马上就可能断气了
这边还在想着扔下3个月的娃出去玩
O My God.....
这男的以后不离婚的话真没出息
我父母很敏感的。如果我老公不乐意，他们就会感觉到，就肯定说不去玩。
然后我就很难过，因为我没有顾好自己的父母。
跟
我好惭愧，说了半天把lz劝成孝顺女儿了，我本意是现在最不适合的就是做孝顺女儿，lz真为自己，为孩子，为小家好，也为了自己父母好，先把他们送回国，以后又不是不来了。等公婆走了，一切回归平静再说。
正解，所以我一直说快把父母送回国，她们要怎么玩儿是自己的事儿。楼主自己雇保姆，咬咬牙就过去了，可楼主不接话茬儿啊
这种情况岳母女婿就不该住在一起。当初这么多人都劝楼主把父母送回去，楼主搞不定自己父母，又教育不了自己老公，只要郁闷了。
记得lz说她家面积挺大的，好象2000 sq ft?
楼主上一个帖子俺就问几个厕所？七个人住一起妹子们觉得应该几个厕所够啊
雇保姆一个月就是至少一千吧，还不一定放心，对楼主来说，当然是自己爹妈便宜可靠了，然后看老公心疼自己爹妈，又不平衡。。。。。。。。唉，楼主这是no zuo no die 的节奏啊
就楼主和她老公这么cheap的样子
还能舍得租2000 sq ft的两居室？
你妈好恶心，这种时候要出去玩。你爸妈s赖在这里不走是不是就是想要出去玩啊。
★ 发自Android 华人阅览器 7.2
是不是你爸妈惹你婆婆生气了？
★ 发自Android 华人阅览器 7.2
你知道你老公为什么说不要你管公婆的事吗？一他不相信你能在自己父母也在的情况下照顾好公婆。第二如果让你照顾了公婆，必然你会期望他照顾你父母。然而他已经听了太多抱怨，不想去自讨苦吃了。
★ 发自Android 华人阅览器 7.2
嗯，我会着重看你还有另外几位姐妹们的帖子（题外话，华人上男士多么？为什么大家都是说姐妹？）的。多谢你们！其他的恶毒，臆测的帖子和回复，我还是直接无视。
我发现有些姐妹们开始转移目标，说我妈的问题最大了。我家我妈是最能唠叨的那个，很小的时候我爸就对我说：你看，你妈又开始念经了，头疼。我们全家都被她唠叨，大家都习惯了。她很幸运，遇上了我爸。我爸不爱说话，对她很包容。在这里呢，我妈爱牢骚抱怨，我爸就会提醒她，不说会死啊，说了有什么用，说了挑祸啊？然后我妈就会懊悔的样子说，哎呀，你爸不让我说的，都是我管不住我的嘴巴。你可千万别告诉你老公。
她的口是心非也好，端着也好，我现在看，其实她就是个普通人，没有高大上，但绝对也没有那么龌龊。她大概就憋不住，就想说出来，说出来自己爽了，就好过了，要不然她就难受，难受还会直接反应到身体上，什么胸闷啊什么。
老公和她的矛盾，一开始就是生活环境不同造成的。我妈爱叨叨，我习惯了，但我老公不乐意啊。他说，从小他就没有人管，什么都是自己做主，凭什么我妈能管他啊。然后lz我呢，确实很弱智，一开始，没有当消音器，反而当了传话筒。于是老公和我妈就越来越互相看不上。
所以，你不想离婚，还想和你老公好好过下去的话，你就送走你妈，不要让她参与到你的家庭生活中来。你没觉得你正在重复你妈的人生轨迹吗，看看你开了多少抱怨帖？
大家把矛头指向你妈，没什么不对，事实就是这样，因为她的爱抱怨你老公，造成了你们夫妻不和。
你妈爱牢骚抱怨，所以容易胸闷身体不好，身体不好反过来又会导致她爱挑刺牢骚抱怨，身体和情绪会互相影响的，就这样形成了恶性循环，你难道要走你妈的老路？
我劝你把后面这几页所有姐妹的回复一一看过好好想想吧？要是还想不明白，你的生活难有改观的。
mm，你第心眼怎么这么好，苦口婆心啊！
楼主你这个链接看看，说的是manipulative behavior，你读了再对照一下你妈
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StepsTips and WarningsVideo
1
Understand the characteristics of a manipulative personality. They're not always obvious because they play a silent game of building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to carry out things for their sake even though you're still wondering how things got to this point. Some of the characteristics of a manipulative personality include:
A martyr style personality. This personality type behaves as if he or she is being considerate toward others but is actually messing up considerateness with a need to be significant to you. By "martyring" themselves, they are doing things nobody has asked of them or wants them to do but in the process creates a bind when they do them. In "doing you a favor", their expectation increases that you have to return the favor. They may also complain constantly about all the things they do for you and wonder rhetorically when you're going to return this favor...
Excessively needy and dependent personalities. People who feel uncomfortable in their own skin, putting forth their own opinions and ideas can often hide behind manipulative behavior so that it seems as if you are responding on your own accord even though they've set up everything to have you respond directly to their neediness.
Narcissists. This is the archetypal manipulative personality and it's very hard to deal with this master manipulator.
You. Seriously, at one time or other, every single one of us practices manipulative behaviors in one form or other. It is just that for most people, manipulative actions tend to be one-off or only occasional instances rather than a purposeful map for daily living and interaction with others.
2
Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:
The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.
The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.
He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.
The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing an argument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.
Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.
3
Curtail the guilt trip. Guilt trips are really high on the list of manipulative tools. If you can get someone else to feel guilty, then you're home and hosed. The trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip after guilt trip and the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on to a good thing here risks losing respect, friends, and being distanced by those who can't get away, such as family and co-workers. One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping the guilt trip bind is that the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better, and that it's their guilt trip, not yours. Here are some approaches to the guilt trip:
Recognize it. Guilt trips are usually prefaced with "If you really cared about me, you'd...", or "If you were more responsible, you'd...", or "If you were more understanding, you'd...". In each case, you can substitute the words they add in after with "do as I want". Another way of inducing a guilt trip is to tell you what you wouldn't do, for example: "I knew I'd misheard it! After all, you'd never get engaged without telling me first." In that small phrase, you've just been told that the expectations are that you'll defer to this person before making any decisions.
Turn it back on the guilt giver. Take a return-to-sender approach with guilt trips and don't let their interpretation of your behavior determine the situation. In this case, you can give them a little of their own medicine so that they understand how it feels to be made to feel guilty. This approach involves taking what the manipulator has said and tell them how they aren't respecting, appreciating, caring for, etc. your behavior toward them, and in the process, you dissolve the need to meet the obligation they're aiming to impose. For example:
A: "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you."
You: "I sure do care about the hard work you've done for me. I've said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don't appreciate how much I care."
A: "That's not true! I appreciate it!"
You: "Yes, just as I appreciate your hard work."
Shorten their hold on you. When a manipulator tries to guilt-trip you by suggesting that they don't matter, don't buy into it. Instead, answer with a quick retort that breaks this hold instantly. For example:
A: "Okay then, go on that camping trip with your friends while I do all the work looking after the dogs. Don't worry about me."
You: "That's great! I'm glad you're happy to look after the dogs while I'm away. Thanks!"
4
Shift the assumption statement away from you. One of the things that is so riling about having another person tell you what it is that you're thinking or doing is that they are not taking you seriously or treating you as a whole person. Instead, they are attempting to overlay how they'd like you to behave and this comes right back to how they'd like you behave so that it benefits them. Assumption statements can be harder to pick up on but it's essential that you do so in order to deflect them quickly and effectively. Some examples include statements using "suppose", "guess", "wish", etc: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again." or "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas." The problem with the assumption statement is that there is no question; a manipulator doesn't like asking questions because it causes them to feel a loss of control. In a healthier relationship situation, questions would elicit what you're doing and a conversation could proceed from this understanding; a manipulator would prefer to make the assumption as to what you're doing because it then allows them to them to be in control of the you they've described rather than the you they need to listen to. Break the supposition away from your actions by ignoring the manipulative negative implication and return the manipulator to reality by clarifying your equally valid value attaching to what you're doing. For example:
A: "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to stay longer with me each Christmas."
You: "Actually, I spend as much time with you as I spend with Kate's parents and just as you and dad used to do when I was growing up, I'm happily dividing my time equally between both families."
A: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."
You: "I'm not leaving you alone. You've got your favorite movie on tonight, the dog's with you wanting attention, and I'll be back on Tuesday, as usual."
A: "If you've got more important things to do, then it's best you don't waste time visiting me."
You: "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right now. It's an expensive time to fly and I'll be able to spend more time with you when I come next May."
5
Move away from the mind games of what the manipulator thinks other people say or do. The use of third party "authority" is thoughtlessly rampant in much of everyday life because we like to defer to these generalizations as a way of backing up our own vague and often unexplored preferences. While most of us know it's a bad habit, in the hands of a manipulator, it becomes a weapon. Whenever a manipulator resorts to quoting what your Aunt May, cousin Josh or darling Katie down the street would do or are saying, see warning lights flashing. This tactic is used to try and compare the perceived lack in your responsiveness with the manner in which other people apparently would behave more appropriately than you (read: they'd do it for the manipulator whereas you're holding out). While some of this is to do with the manipulator fantasizing that the grass is greener in someone else's life, it's far more about being a tool that lets the manipulator abdicate his or her own responsibility for making the statement.
A:"Mary says it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the time. She says it's harmful for me."
You:"I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist. I must speak to her about the possibility of her spending more time with you."
A:"Everyone thinks you're not being kind to me when you refuse to buy me a second diamond ring."
You:"Everyone? I must meet these people who are so flush! I'd love to buy you another ring but I'm glad you have a beautiful one to keep you occupied until our budget can withstand any more large purchases."
6
Avoid the confrontation and dispute manipulation. Determine whether someone is deliberately using a ploy or "game" to bring about a dispute or conflict into the open. This frequently happens amongst friends or in relationships, when one member wishes to have influence or to attempt control over the other. Confrontational statements are designed to upset you immediately and to cause an argument to occur. For example, "How dare you leave me alone tonight!" or "I thought we agreed that this would be the best solution. And now you're deliberately doing something entirely different." Or "Why do you always have to do everything your way? What about me?" It can even be brought up jokingly but with the intent to mock or pour cold water on your hopes. Rather than engaging in an argument with this manipulator, learn to simply say "no" and by pointing out clear facts. For example:
Be calm, rational, and pleasant when you say no. Don't try to up the ante by grimacing or snapping back. It's also important to keep your response simple and friendly.
Use your body language to back up your meaning. Shake your head and give your "no" face.
Be polite. When a manipulator asks you to do something, try "I'd love to but I'm too busy in the upcoming months. Sorry." or "Thanks for asking, but no."
7
Sidestep self pity. The manipulator who finds everything unfair and falls to pieces, he or she is attempting to gain your sympathy in order to use it to further his or her own needs. In this case, the manipulator will rely on a sense of "helplessness" and will seek financial, emotional, or other forms of help from you. Look out for attitudes and comments like, "You are the only one I have", and "I have no one else to talk to", etc. In dealing with a meltdown of self-pity, be compassionate but wary as you don't want to establish an obligation as a result. Some ways to respond to such a manipulator include:
A: "You are the only one I have."
You: "Oh you're flattering me again but you and I both know that's not true! You've got Betty on Sundays, Muriel on Thursdays, and the bowls club all day Saturday. Why, when I tried to call you last Wednesday night, you were out playing cards with your neighbors."
A: "I have no one else to talk to."
You: "Remember yesterday when Grace came over to talk to you all afternoon? And Sally's said she's more than happy to listen over the phone whenever you need a sounding board. I'm happy to talk to you for the next five minutes but after that, I have an appointment I cannot miss."
8
Beware of people who twist and distort facts to make them appear more attractive. Generally these people will lie to the ends of the earth in order to get what they want. This often happens in the work environment, simply to get others on their side or gain favor with management and higher authorities. When responding to a fact distortion, seek clarification. Explain that this is not how you remembered the facts and that you're curious to get a better understanding of their view of them. Remain polite and feel entitled to say that it's to clarify your confusion. Ask them simple questions about when you both agreed to an issue, how they believed the approach was formed, etc. When you meet on common ground again, take this as the new starting point, not their distorted one. For example:
John (manipulator): "I asked Cassie to have all these finished by today. She's never on time with these reports."
Boss: "Is this true Cassie?"
Cassie: "It isn't my understanding boss. John, when did you suggest that this was my task alone? My last understanding was that this was to be a joint effort, with you signing off on my work before we presented it to the board. When you didn't arrive yesterday and I couldn't reach you, I felt that I had little choice but to continue and finish what I could but it was clear I didn't have a handle over the X, Y, Z issues that you're best at defining. And I've handed in my last six reports all two days before the due date; I take timeliness very seriously."
Another example: A: "You never back me up in those meetings, you're only in it for your own gains and you're always leaving me to the sharks."
You: "That's not true. I believed that you were ready to talk to the investors about your own ideas. If I had thought you were erring, I'd have stepped in but I thought you did a brilliant job by yourself."
Beware of people with "selective memories". This is a manipulative tool for wriggling out of obligations they don't want to meet, while still managing to remember obligations that they expect you to meet, or have met (in front of the boss).
9
Don't fall victim those those who use love as a bargaining tool. Such a manipulator will commonly use phrases like, "I know you love me, so...", "Because I love you, do X, Y, Z for me...", in order to trick you into accepting what they desire. This often occurs in married relationships and also between friends. People who display this type of attitude will often make you feel indebted or that you owe them something. Instead of letting them manipulate your love for them, try to point out how what you're doing is proof of your love for them, and bonus points if you can be compassionate enough to weave in recognition of their love for you too:
A: "If you loved me, you'd take me on that business trip. I don't care about your boss' miserliness, that's your problem, not mine."
You: "I do love you and that is the very reason I don't want to inflict my boss on you. You'd have a horrible time having to be super polite around him and he would resent having you there and would possibly even try to demote me for not taking the business trip seriously enough."
A: "You think that this garden is more important than me."
You: "Actually my dear, I tend the garden with care to ensure that you have somewhere fun and safe to play war games with your mates. I want it to be perfect for you, just as you try to paint the house in colors that you know I like."
10
Figure out those who feign illness. Unfortunately, some people use illness as a way of manipulating others. There are people who feign small illnesses and symptoms on a small scale, and then there are people who suffer from Factitious Disorder (DSM-IV), previously known as Munchausen's Syndrome. Faking illnesses is the intentional production of false and exaggerated physical symptoms designed to achieve an ulterior motive. People who do this may be trying to avoid responsibilities, have more leisure time, obtain medical benefits, or are lazy enough to want someone else to do everything for them.
If the person is persistently using this method, it is possible that he or she needs medical help from a psychiatrist or psychologist for Factitious Disorder. The difficulty for you lies in the fact that a person suffering from this might actually have some illness but can function fine most or all of the time despite the illness but chooses to exaggerate its effects (also known as malingering).
If the disorder is causing them to behave this way, try not to be judgmental. It is often developed as a way of reacting to stress and has habituated into a pattern. The best thing if you suspect this condition is to suggest that he or she sees a mental health professional to deal with their worry and anxiety; don't be combative about their "faking illness".[1]
11
Beware of individuals who create false rumors. Individuals in this category will tell you the opposite of what you wish to hear. They may do so hoping that you will correct them and as such force out the real story from you. Very private people often fall prey to this type of tactic because it's targeted at eliciting information from you directly when you've been reticent so far.
12
Ignore emotional outbursts that play on your emotions. Some people will use crying, sorrow, screaming and other forms of emotions to further their own ends or to simply get what they want. This is common among children and teenagers who will "test the waters", to see how far they can go with this form of manipulation. Read some good parenting books on dealing with manipulation in children and teens; their behavior is more about boundary testing and can be dealt with appropriately with good parenting skills.
If your child suffers from disruptive behavior disorders, seek help from a mental health therapist. Such disorders as oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder and separation disorder can have elements of manipulation in them but need special attention to overcome, using the help of specialists and your compassion.
13
Listen to yourself. In all of the possible manipulative situations outlined above, whether or not the signs are easy for you to spot, it is very important to listen to yourself and how you feel about the situation. Do you feel oppressed, pressured, obliged to do things for this person that you'd rather not do? Does their behavior seem to impact you endlessly, so that after one form of assistance, you are expected to grant yet more help and support? Your answers should serve as a true guide to where your relationship with this person is headed next
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好奇一下
那个传说中的蛋糕贴和夏威夷果贴在哪里
我居然错过了。。。。
哈哈，我自己找到了
夏威夷果贴：
http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1587770&page=1
蛋糕贴：
http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1588033&forumpage=1
蛋糕那个帖子看完之后我感觉五雷轰顶三观重塑
凛然想起了FBI的变态心理学测试：
http://www.douban.com/group/topic/11135048/
后来欣喜的发现我看不懂不能理解是对的
如果能看懂能理解了问题就大了
1，也许楼主在挖坑，不得不说，挖的有创意，将来可以考虑去当当编剧
2，如果不是挖坑的话，真需要好好考虑去寻求一下帮助了
lz和她妈真是分分钟要把人逼疯的节奏啊，光看几个帖子我就已经有点暴躁了，别说成天待在一起，好像头上一直顶着一朵乌云
据说还有系列贴。。。
妈呀，坑王要是能学到这位的1%，就不会一天到晚被封了，包大坑包满意
这个是老死在美国帖：http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1587815
这两个是抱怨自己爸妈帖：
http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1586876
http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1581878
包奶粉贴：
http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1574651
还有婆婆生病和要来美国贴：
http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1503391
http://forums.huaren.us/showtopic.aspx?topicid=1571604
+1.
番茄太善解人意了，我们对事不对人，客观来说，lz妈的确是始作俑者。
那个LZ可能有孕期产后忧郁症. 当然估计平时也是多虑的人.
不知道有几个男人在自己妈妈得了癌症的时候，还能对天天上眼药的老婆和岳父岳母感恩，人家聋哑癌症的妈妈在房间里偷偷流泪呀，还感恩，感恩个毛呀，别说大嚷了，随便换个有血性的男人都不仅仅是大嚷了。尼玛，如果我老公，我公婆敢在这个时候还给我上眼药，还敢惹我妈哭，姐非得拼命了不可，离婚那更是没跑了。
楼主的老公现在是什么心情，什么状态，作为妻子，体贴宽慰是最基本的，作为爱人，心疼还来不及呢，怎么可能舍得让他再为别的事情堵心，但凡对自己的丈夫有一点点感情，也舍不得让他再雪上加霜了。
小气不是什么缺点，换个词就是会过日子而已。
Re 真么样也得笑脸迎人地度过这段时间。每天早上起床前都给自己打打气，在镜子前练练笑容。从小事儿上开始试着改变，例如吃饭的时候叫双方父母一块吃，有机会就陪他们聊聊天，天气好了带上宝宝一块出去转转。对你父母，背着你老公有些事儿要说服他们，例如半夜起来带孩子，问他们是不是被吵醒了，还是特意起来的。如果是被吵醒，你该考虑下该怎样减少孩子晚上哭闹，例如使用安慰奶嘴。如果是特意起来，要对他们义正严词地拒绝，必要时可以声泪俱下地说很心疼他们，并很担心他们的身体，如果他们仍固执己见，你晚上都上都睡不着觉。父母是最关心自己的人，让他们知道你也同样关心他们，好多事儿就能找个折衷的方法
Re 真么样也得笑脸迎人地度过这段时间。每天早上起床前都给自己打打气，在镜子前练练笑容。从小事儿上开始试着改变，例如吃饭的时候叫双方父母一块吃，有机会就陪他们聊聊天，天气好了带上宝宝一块出去转转。对你父母，背着你老公有些事儿要说服他们，例如半夜起来带孩子，问他们是不是被吵醒了，还是特意起来的。如果是被吵醒，你该考虑下该怎样减少孩子晚上哭闹，例如使用安慰奶嘴。如果是特意起来，要对他们义正严词地拒绝，必要时可以声泪俱下地说很心疼他们，并很担心他们的身体，如果他们仍固执己见，你晚上都上都睡不着觉。父母是最关心自己的人，让他们知道你也同样关心他们，好多事儿就能找个折衷的方法
除了楼主以外
好像大家都明白这个道理
是肺癌不是胃癌还是晚期
说白了这两个月就是最后一面了
甭管楼主多看不上婆婆
忍俩月不行吗？
跟一确定很快就会死的老太太别什么劲啊
下次再见面就是遗体告别了
从第一个发帖起
酱油党就劝她把爸妈送回国
偏不
7个人住2br的公寓这简直是黄继光+邱少云一块的勇气
家里出了这么大事情爸妈还要出去旅游
还得让老公知道还期望老公赞成
这是示威啊还是庆祝啊
你真想旅游等自己爸妈回国之后自己偷偷旅游让对方家里眼不见心不烦好吧
这家从上到下思路都是非常人
咱正常人理解不了就对了。。。。。
说白了就是道德制高点要全占，标志性建筑物也的建
自己亏一点也不能吃，性工作者也的做。。。。
看了楼主发的“伦理道德”贴，还有人能相信楼主只是产后抑郁而不是良心坏掉，我就只能呵呵了。有个聋哑的农村婆婆，能上网跟酱油党讨论这种残疾人生孩子怕是用来养老是不是很自私，这是人干的事情吗？这样的媳妇在家对聋哑婆婆能有尊敬么？她婆婆偷偷流泪只能说太善良，换个任何不软弱的婆婆早就让儿子离婚了。哦，对这个婆婆说不了话，还文盲，楼主你赢了，你不是想看看谁的日子比你惨，so你心里好过点吗？你婆婆还不够惨？
如果不是看到残疾人生孩子贴，蛋糕坚果关门我都觉得楼主就是矫情一点，有点公主病。但是残疾人贴看了，真心觉得楼主的婆婆命真苦，残疾，文化低，没钱的拉扯了一个儿子，儿子好歹生活稳定了又生了癌，被既不善良也不贤惠的儿媳妇挤兑也没有途径来表达。有的酱油党还担心楼主被拍的太过了。。。。
真累，lz妈真要人命，这样的日子我是一天都过不了的。
殘疾人生孩子貼好像漏了看了。lz有啥具體論點論據？
在lz看來，很多回復都屬於惡毒，億測吧。不過lz每次開貼都能成高樓啊。
看完觉得，LZ挺恶毒的
楼主确实心眼小，不厚道。婆媳之间有点矛盾不和挺正常，但是放在婆婆癌症晚期的前提下，楼主怎么都该忍上两个月，至少看在男人的份上